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Title: How to bring this up in MC Post by: formflier on April 08, 2015, 07:02:12 AM https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273535.0 Above is the link for reference. My initial plan is to bring up some other instances where she asked about my feelings and it went well. Granted... .they were not about the kids... .or things as precious... .but she at least used the words... ."How do you feel about xyz... ." or "Tell me your feelings about xyz... ." The two big "theory" things that I am interested in working on is that her feelings are hers and mine are mine... .no debate or arguing. And that we focus on trying to have a more validating r/s (and therefore less invalidating). This part is something she brought up months ago... .still don't know where she got it from. The validation thing ties into the feelings thing because (me) I love xyz... (her) no you don't... .you think abc... . Pretty invalidating... . My hope is that you guys can help me sharpen my words... .make them more effective. My current plan... .open the session with heaps of praise for the things that have gone well. Tons of stuff out there I can work with on that. Then... .talk about wanting to work on what we do when either one of us discovers a "hurt" or a raw nerve. I really do want to understand (but don't want to be blamed)... .I know I can't fix these things from the past... .but I can offer sympathy and empathy... .even just give a hug. Eventually it will get to the event... .and how bad I felt after it... .I think she felt bad too. I doubt she felt supported or validated. That's where this will be tricky or come off the rails... .if it does. Anyone have any thoughts so far? FF Title: Re: How to bring this up in MC Post by: cloudten on April 08, 2015, 09:54:08 AM Well, for starters- lots of "I" statements. "I did this in response to that... .", "I felt this way when she did this... .", "I want... .", "I need... .", etc.
The whole event was a complicated mess from the get go. How did you feel that she went to the movies without you? I would have thought that she would have gone with you to the clinic, then you could have laughed later about how your date night was spent in the clinic... .followed by a dinner and whatever else fun you could have had. Something I have had a hard time understanding about BPD is that push and pull... .they need you, but they do the exact opposite of anything remotely constructive to the relationship. I am not great with communicating with my BPD- that's why I am here. But I think it is important to have the conversation in MC using I statements entirely if possible. |