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Hi, today I realised that I am scared of my BPDSO. I am scared to say how I feel if there are any issues within the relationship in case it triggers BPD dysregulation. I am also worried that I have got used to living in a heightened state of anxiety with all the blow ups and this will damage me long term. Does anyone else feel like this and what do you do to overcome the fear of your SO?

Yeah, I sort of reached a point of fearing them. Especially their reactions, and unnecessary consequences. I started to establish boundaries, of when I would visit (when I want to), when I wouldn't stay (when I don't want to), etc.  I have my own place too, which makes all the difference in the world for me, because it's my space. That has been the key for me, is getting out and into my world, separate from theirs. I still see them some, though at the moment it's been a few glorious weeks since I have. :) Making the boundaries work though takes a willingness to make a strong stand and stick with it. Like Tom Petty says "No I won't back down."

Right now I kind of am. We have been separated for a week and a half now and he appears to be really stressed and under pressure over it.  The separation is a result of me enforcing a boundary I had in place.

Can you give us an idea of what kind of boundary it was? Perhaps also, the repercussions? I'm curious, because I am working with boundary issues also. Thanks!

After 9 years since his "crash" (as he calls it), and probably hundreds of rages and their effects on my ability to feel emotionally safe in my own home, I was ready to call our marriage quits.  For years, I carried around a bag of clothes and overnight things in my car ready in case I had to flee and dozens of times I did.  We've talked about many times, especially over the past 4 months when his infidelity came to light and I started counseling and explored my own co-dependency issues and worked through some of my own stuff.  My need to be emotionally safe in my home, he claims, is important to him.  My counseling revealed that I simply had been worn down to having zero boundaries and so I worked on a few to start.  One was related to not participating in blaming "discussions" and one was that if there was a rage (he swore he knew how they affected me and wouldn't have anymore... .yeah right, I know that wasn't possible as he's just beginning therapy and I am by now pretty heavily triggered when I see one coming), I need him to leave the house, not me.  We made plans and back up plans for places for him to go (I always had to find a place on the fly) and knowing that he actually WANTED to leave rather than subject me to that, we discussed ways to ensure he would leave, including wording of me requesting it and that he would actually go, no questions asked.  The consequence of him not leaving under those conditions was that we would separate.

Sure enough, a week and a half ago, he lost it.  I admit, I didn't handle it well (fleas and all) but when I asked him to leave 3 times, he didn't, so I did.  The next day, I went back to the house and we calmly discussed it and I knew I had to ask him to leave, so I did. 

I know this is an unusual boundary, but frankly, I've been feeling for a long time that our marriage needed to be over because of this constant anxiety over when the next rage was going to come and I know I need time to heal and to start thinking of my home as a safe place again.

I think you did the right thing michelle27. Thanks everyone for your responses. My BPDSO will jump ship before I can can reinforce any boundaries and I always end up freling abandoned. Sometimes it feels like they trade on my fear as it gives them control. My SO has also read books on BPD says none of the techniques will work!

I realize now that 3.5 years ago when I started to detach emotionally without realizing what I was doing, it was because I had become afraid of saying how I feel for fear of his reaction.  My feelings tend to be a huge trigger for him, whether positive or negative.  Within the past year, we've had a few what I thought were "breakthroughs" with him understanding things from my side and saying the words that he wanted to change.  He made lots of changes on himself starting a year ago after a mental health hospitalization including working on showering and brushing his teeth every day (yes, it had gotten that bad), starting to help around the house again and planning regular date nights.  He also lost between 30-40 lbs.  But the one thing he said he was going to do (get therapy), he avoided.  I had given him 6 months and when that stretched to 9, I signed myself up for counseling to help me make a decision.  Telling him I was going to counseling and why triggered him to first rage, and then tell me about his year long affair 4.5 years ago with my friend while I was dragging us around to 3 different marriage counselors, couple's communication course and going to our doctor for help, all of which he sabotaged (and admits that now). 

Wow... .I went off on a tangent there. LOL  It sure is sobering to realize you have fear of your partner.  I am so darn angry at myself because I let it get to this point for so long.  But I'm feeling good about standing up for myself finally.

After threatning to cut herself and me into a 'meat sculpture'... .yeah im scared of her

Yes, I am scared of my BPDbf.  Over the weekend he had a rage on me where he screamed in my ear and pinched my breast (not in a fun way). I have a couple bruises from it.

I am scared of him physically... .but more so emotionally. The rages have done a lot of damage to my ego. I have always been a very non-confrontational person... .so dealing with constant confrontation has been draining. I fear being yelled at. I fear being cheated on. I fear being lied to. I fear that I won't recognize it when it's happening. My life has become one large ball of anxiety.

But I also fear that if I am not with him, he will somehow magically transform into some amazing individual worth being with.  I don't know why I think he'll somehow change... .but I just see the glass as half full. I know he isn't capable of more than what he is- but I still just hold out hope. I'm scared.

  I am so sorry.

Awe thanks! I'll survive- and if I don't, well, I won't be suffering anymore... .lol.

I appreciate all of the support found here that's for sure.

     I can relate to everything that I quoted from you. I'm not afraid of being yelled at, so I didn't quote that. However, I can understand how you feel. I think the same way, with my SO. That if I am out of the picture, they will find another person, and be lookin' great. I realize, though, that it would just be an appearance, or façade, of looking great. As you said, I see the glass as half full. I think though, maybe I need to see the glass as just half.

     I sense the untrustworthiness of my S.O.'s general character. As my therapist asked me once... ."Are they a person with integrity in general?" To be totally honest with myself, I have to say... .No, they aren't. And, so, I am left having to admit, that I don't trust them. Which puts me in a tight spot, full of anxiety, as you have also expressed.

     How I've started to deal with this, is by also putting up my boundaries. Including, the very start or inkling of letting-go to some degree. I acknowledge that I can't trust them. And, I am attempting to be willing to let them drift away a bit. While at the same time, keeping myself open to new possibilities with other people.

     

 

     Michelle~ So awesome to read what you've written! And, to see that you are putting into action your beliefs. I am totally inspired right now by what you wrote. Good Job, that's Awesome!

     At the same time, it sounds really difficult. But still, the guy cheated on you for a year with your friend? What a jerk! I think you've made some good decisions, as an outsider looking in. Hang in there! Stay strong! You are better than this guy.

I am scared of my pwBPDx even though he can be so loving and affectionate. He has a criminal record for threatening his wife with a knife. He tells me it was self-defence. He tells me she would attack him physically and he was a victim of domestic violence. However, now I have seen his rages against me, now I have seen how he projects his feelings onto me, misunderstands, warps things and blames me for causing it by hurting his feelings, I find myself wondering once again whether he was the perpetrator who simply feels like the victim because of BPD. I find I am frightened to tell him how I feel about his behaviour and have always been very careful in approaching areas I think will be sensitive, just in case he dumps me. I have ended up in a state of almost perpetual anxiety about spending time with him. Finally, he once told me he was imagining me with multiple stab wounds and my head cut off. That plain freaked me out!

Thanks.  Yes, it's difficult but the interesting thing is that 2 overriding feelings before sadness over the situation is relief that my home is currently emotionally safe, and extremely proud of myself for enforcing a boundary.  He on the other hand is really cracking... .showing others a side of him he's only shown me and giving me the side he's usually shown others.  That actually makes me really nervous.

Hi all,

I'm sure you've all accessed this link, but I want to post it again anyway... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Fear kept me stuck, gave the balance of power and control to my dBPDh, fear kept me in the dysfunctional dynamic of dysregulation and it brought me to this forum.

Michel27 like you when I was no longer held captive by fear and put my boundaries in place the true nature of my h's illness was exposed to others. At first my boundaries were somewhat tentative and flexible, I moved them a lot because I was scared of how his behaviours might escalate. They escalated anyway and I put my son and myself at risk of verbal abuse and destruction of our home.

I remember the first night I called the police on my h and had him removed from our home I was terrified. Guess what though the next morning when I female police sergeant from the safeguarding team phoned to check I was ok and asked if I had a safety plan in place, I blew her off! Me at risk from emotional and verbal abuse, don't be silly... .safety plan, I didn't need one!

The acknowledgement of my own fear, and that I was being emotionally abused and indirectly exposing our son to it was my wake up call. It galvanised me into action that caused me to stop protecting my dBPDh from the consequences of his actions, and it worked.

I'm not afraid anymore, we are still together, and his dysregulations stopped toward me and in our home with me putting in place clear boundaries and implementing them when he shows signs of dysregulating.

Ironically his illness got worse, his risks towards himself and others increased, in trying to stop the trajectory of the illness by hiding it because I was scared in so many ways, I just stalled the inevitable. He took his illness to members of the public despite close links with his mental health team. The downward spiral of his self destruction took two years and the out come will be that he is detained on a compulsory hospital order in a forensic hospital for an unspecified period of time. Treatment will be non-negotiable and will follow him into the outside world on release.

What I realise now is that my fear of him, of the illness, kept us both hidden from view.

I told an old friend about BPD recently and gphe was so shocked, it made me realise I am getting used to being fearful and that is not good.

Sweetheart - i can relate to things being hidden from view, I am trying not to do that anymore

Cloudten - did you see anyone for support after the attack?

Mitstsu - there seems to be a lot of evidence to say threats escalate to violence, please be careful.

Stay strong. Get a can of mace spray and a baseball bat. And, lock your doors. In my state, concealed weapons are legal, with the attendance of a training class. I have protection inside my home, if needed. No point in being a victim!

This realization, believe it or not after this thread was a real wake up call.  I insisted on the separation because I knew I couldn't take any more anxiety over wondering when the next rage was going to come.  It seriously isn't normal to have fear of your spouse.  On some level I've known this for a long time, but consciously thinking about it, I feel like I must have lost my mind somewhere along the way to allow the situation for so long.

Yes, I am scared of my BPDw in many ways, especially when she is in a bad mood, not that I have caused it, but it is just that her past life and current life have just caused chaos for her. Of course, she has "therapy", but I think for her to be in a relationship, she has to be far away. So, I stay away from her a lot!

In response to the original questions:  Not scared as such--I'm not afraid that he'll do something to me or anything, and I can handle a lot of the anger, but I can't handle being ripped into, criticized and blamed for everything and so there is a lot of anxiety involved, which seems to be common going by others' posts.  By anxiety, I mean things like walking around with a knot in my stomach and/or chest because I haven't called him yet that day (sometimes if I don't contact him until late in the day, it's a problem for him, which has left me feeling like I'm being trained), or because I have something I want him to know but believe it will create a conflict if I say anything about it (like the effect his actions have on me), or because something minor thing I've said has pissed him off and now it seems like he wants to say goodbye.

Cloudten, I feel exactly the same way.  I really believe that he'll get his life together and then find someone else, and then she'll have this wonderful person that I blew my chance with.  I don't know how to handle that fear.

Lolli and cloudten - your partners will be the same with future partners and what ever they have told you, it's highly likely they were like it with previous partners (unless their partners are more dysfunctional than they are). My T said the healthiest thing is for BPDs is be on their own until they learn to cope on their own thru therapy, but the irony is that they can't cope with being on their own. The real question is can we?

In my humble opinion your T is 100% on the money and so are you with this Loosestrife. 

i have left her and will have no 'alone' contact with her as i'm scared of what she could do or acuse me of 

Lolli, that anxiety after 9 years of this is what made me finally have to force a separation.  I am so triggered by his mood because I walk around with this low level of anxiety all the time.  He is heading into therapy and I know things are likely going to get worse before it gets better and I know myself well enough to know that I am going to make things worse rather than better with my response to a dysregulation right now.  I do hope we can get through this and get to a point where it's less likely that we are going to trigger each other and can live together in peace.  I don't suspect that's going to be anytime soon, though.

I am scared of my BPDh. He has never physically abused me, but he is a pro at verbal and emotional abuse.  Then he flips to this person that wants to be so loving and helpful for about an hour or two, then back comes back the raging monster.  He told me once ":)o you want get knocked the f**k out".  He talks about how he knows someone who can "take someone out and make it look like an accident" and "they take payments".  He doesn't usually say it about me, but he likes to make sure that I know... .

This could be my guy- and just might be my guy. He grew up on a farm and has no problem saying he knows how to get rid of a body, hide a body, make it look like an accident, etc. Also similar, he has never directed it at me, but he is sure that I know.  He is completely insane I am pretty sure. I think he truly feels that he is above the law, and above responsibility, and invincible. I truly think that he thinks he can get away with anything.

Yes... .yes yes yes yes yes.

For me, when I left my exhusband, he went thru a pretty good transformation and has become a very different person.  I don't want this to happen again with this guy... .because I have never loved someone so intensely as this guy... .I want to be with this guy. I wish I could have all of the good and amazingness that comes with that just without most of the bad. I am jealous of the next girl who gets a better version of what I had.

Hi FOlks,

Undoubtedly yes... .

Here are the absurdities that add to the answer... .

I am a 6-1 285# guy - highly trained in all manner of firearms/defense tactics/ all round chaos for my work.

She is a 5-1 145# person (with claims of debilitating back injuries and fiber myalgia plus other stuff which necessitates SSDI)

SHe has been physically violent on only a few occasions, and for the most part i removed myself from the scene.

My biggest concerns are my kids 7 and 5.  She isnt violent to them so much as the neglect and basic anti-parenting that she does.

There has been and continues to be a palpable sense of fear while driving up to the house after work - worst was after calling and receiving no answer.

Aside - while working away from home for an extended period of time - i was in temporary housing and had an old school phone with a distinct ring sound - over the days and weeks the incredibly damaging and no other word to describe but demonic interactions i had with her.  (fax machines at my work have the same ring - its a crazy trigger for me).

The boundaries ive set have helped me deal (mostly on my end as far as what i will put up with)

ITs still difficult - im working on an exit plan and will protect my beans.

Thanks,

S

Fear was a huge issue in my relationship with my uBPDexgf. I usually post on [L3] because our relationship is over. However, this topic resonated with me. I was certainly afraid of my ex. But not really because of rages. I was fearful of her withholding affection. I was fearful of her passive aggression. I was scared of the silent treatment. I hope some of you can relate to that sort of fear.

Hi Loosetrife,

I'm usually on another board, so I will be careful in what I say, but I couldn't resist the urge to reply based on what happened to me…once an incredibly strong, confident, and UNafraid of anything woman.

He was my superman, who would guard me fearlessly and forever.  He was my ultimate protector…until the day he wasn't.  

The heightened state of anxiety crept up on me over the years.  I NEVER noticed it.  I felt busy and never felt well-rested.  He never hit me.  In 2013 an escalated rage resulted in him smashing my skull in and my needing 12 stitches.  I blamed myself!  "I" apologized.  When I asked him if he was going to apologize for cracking my skull in he told me I have a very bad memory and didn't remember things correctly.  

There are a few personality disorders that fall into the ":)angerous" category for a reason…they are!  Tune in to your anxiety and fear.  Tell a friend, tell your doctor, tell someone if you are scared.  Fear should not be present in our relationships.  Safety is paramount.  Sending you hope and hugs.

Hi Reecer

I can relate to this and its all types of emotional abuse. It hurts so much. Then you let them back in emotionally when they are being nice and then the abuse happens all over again. ITs difficult when your SO blames the BPD.

Smileypants- please take care

Hope - I'm really sorry you went through this. Thank you for sharing your experience. It's certainly make me think.

Yes, I am scared of my (now ex) BPDfiancee.  Her flashes of intending to inflict emotional pain on others and on me was quite terrifying.  Also, towards the end of the failed engagement she attacked me physically, threatening to "bludgeon" me to death in the middle of the night, and threatened to end my career (which I worked very, very hard for).  I have dealt with this by going NC and crossing my fingers to never hear from her again. 

Tim, that's pretty scarey stuff. It sound like you did the only thing upu could to stay safe |iiii

WOW.  I can so relate. Mine gave me a flash this morning of that physical aggression side. I teased him about being late for his breakfast meeting (his is always late... .always). and he, although teasing, wound up a fist and said "how about a black eye?"  what the heck kind of response was that... .threatening physical violence over nothing.  But stuff like this comes in these flashes... .just like you said... it's like momentary lapse in judgement/appropriate responses.

Anymore, I have become kind of numb to his sort of "teasing"... .but I do remain scared.

Cloudten - I don't even joke with my SO anymore in case it gets taken in the wrong way

I try not talk at all so it's not taken the wrong way.  I all try not make any faces or have any type of tone in my voice, because they all can be taken the wrong way.  I almost feel like not talking, but when I do that it gets taken the wrong way too.  It is very frustrating and sad. Feeling trapped here, and everything is screwed up financially, talking about finance is a constant issue day care is expensive, he doesn't have to worry about daycare. I'm daycare. sorry for the rant.

Me too... . but the fact of the matter is that we shouldn't be afraid of joking or talking or facial expressions AT ALL. Its a subtle form of manipulation and emotional abuse. Yes, we are choosing to do it to make our lives easier NOW, however, its not healthy for us to be stiffling who we are as people just to avoid a conflict in the long run!  I can't judge as I am the worst of us all. lol.

I am resolved to forever be myself as much as I can... . which means I am a smart a$$. I know very well that when I am not myself and I am forced to conform to someone else's desires, I become stuck, trapped, and unhappy.

Smileypants (haha... . love that)... . you are in the right place here... . and with people who understand and have the same rant. :)