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During our relationship, I noted that my pwBPDbf used to like wrapping me up in a blanket if he thought I was  even if I didn't want that, and he bought me a big bear to cuddle even though I said I already had my own. He lost his temper with me a couple of times because I didn't let him rush over to look after me when I was ill or feeling quite down. The latter led to our latest breakup. I am wondering whether he is codependent as well as having BPD. I've noted a lot of codependent traits in myself. Is it possible for us both to be codependent on each other or was his behaviour an expression of BPD that I have yet to understand?

Hi Lifewriter16,

It is possible that people with BPD (pwBPD) can have codependent traits. I think it would depend on the severity or intensity of BPD characteristics/traits and dynamics of the relationship.

Codependency relies on a person caretaking/fixing/helping/rescuing people in their lives in order to gain emotional needs or self-esteem. 

Many pwBPD do have dependency on their non-BPD partner. Usually the non-BPD partner is the caretaker in the relationship. For example, a pwBPD can be dependent on the non partner to calm them down during a period of emotional dysregulation because they cannot self-soothe.

There is a difference between dependency and codependency. 

My bf has taken care of me when I am sick. He is actually really great at helping out when I am in a vulnerable state. Sometimes he can tend to be overly helpful and it can get frustrating. I was sick and annoyed so I thanked him for helping me and told him that I would like to be alone for a bit. He got very upset with me and stormed off. He perceived my request as rejection and criticism.  PwBPD are hypersensitive to criticism and typically perceive that as abandonment. 

PwBPD can and do help other people just for the sake of helping. In my opinion, the rationale behind the help would have to be to gain emotional needs.