BPDFamily.com

I asked for us to stay friends I never asked to meet .


"I don't think its a good idea if we meet too soon for both of us sorry"

"You are a trigger for me now.  The very thought of you is painful for me and I am feeling deep shame about how broken I am.  Seeing you would be more than I could bare."

Or perhaps because she still loves me or am I delusional ?

Few months into the BU she wanted to stay friends why the change ?

"I haven't found a great replacement."

She told my bro she was single (whatever that means) and that she would find it hard to meet someone with a mind like mine that matches her on an Intelectual level so possible

Of course she still loves you, but not in a way that we can comprehend. She still needs you, in short, even it is just the idea in her head that you are alive and exist on this earth. The unfortunate truth (for her, more so), is that she probably has a replacement and needs you slightly less, despite what she tells your brother. Lies are very easy to tell, especially for someone that can easily twist reality in their own minds. That doesn't mean when their relationship ends (because it will) she won't come back to you, looking for some kind of emotional comfort. Maybe I'm making a leap in judgement here, but this is a situation that you do need to prepare for. It will happen.

One of my uBPDex's boyfriends from high school died while we were together and it sent her into a deep grief spiral. He had finally abandoned her. She even refused to accept the circumstances of his death, which kind of mystified me at the time. The facts are the facts. Obvious details usually coincide with truth.

It's entirely possible that she still loves you.  Without emotional intimacy she wouldn't be triggered.  It was because she loved you that she was triggered at all.

She probably did want to remain friends, because the loss of you is agonizing for her, but she also can't stand to think of you or be reminded of you because that hurts too.  She doesn't know what she wants, because her disorder wants contradictory things.  Many pwBPD have very little ability to be friends with anyone they become emotionally close with, since that is triggering for them.  Friendship is often only possible in the most superficial terms where there is no emotional engagement.

She has never gone back to an x AFAIK but then I was her longest and most serious r/s  she is high functioning with traits so not a classic BPDer

She told me she had not  been in love with  me for a year before the BU but still loved me and we were friends and she was scared to leave she was hoping things would get better

As soon as she got a new supply friends maybe a new guy she left

My point being I'm inclined to believe she does not love me however weeks before the BU she told me she "would kill herself" if anything happened to me so go figure

After the BU she laughed and said she was just being "dramatic"

Yeah, same here. Very high functioning and would appear normal to someone without a trained eye. A lot of my closest friends have told me in hindsight that they did think something was off with her, and that they didn't want to give me their opinions because they thought that it would have been disrespectful. I did too, I just got caught in the trap and didn't follow my intuition.

I don't mean to say that she wants you back in a relationship sense (there is really no knowing this), just that the odds say that she will want to try and reengage on some kind of level, be it friendship or just keeping in touch in a friendly way. Keeping in touch doesn't work, however, because their self-image associated needs are constantly fluctuating.

Yes a lot of people said she seems "off in some way" I felt it too but ignored


She told me I would meet a girl who loves me and makes me happy so I think her feeling romantic love is deff dead

It means what it says!

What I am seeing here is how I felt for a while which is very confused!  I highly suggest picking up some of the books from the suggested readings book list and reading them.  On this site in the forums you will find a lot of people in the same boat which is confusion and trying to make sense of it. Along the journey to understanding we understand it from where we are at in ourselves at te time.  Even the author of books have more to learn.  There are many different ways to frame it then there is the thing as it is.

It seems to me you still want her in your life there's nothikg wrong with that!  The thing is if she's in your life and causing you this kuh confusion then you have to process all of that yourself we car so that for you and neither can she. What helps is to see the process of the BPD mind modeled by different schools of thought and then come to your own understanding.  Also learning deeply about the defence mechenisms being utilized within a few different psychological models. Even after all that you have to process and integrate that knowledge within your own expereince.  

All of that does take time and it's probably not a good idea for you or her to see each other while you are working through that. :)

As with anything a pwBPD says who can really say.

My take on it is that we are like toys to a child . They might not want to play with us anymore but want to know we are still in the toy cupboard. Hence the lets stay friends.

As for the not seeing you at the moment it could be guilt, it could be they just dont want you around as it would interfere with what they are doing. They might not want you around as even though your no longer together they dont want you knowing about the replacement in the vain attemt to have you not feel anything negative about them. My exgf has been with my replacement since at least september and has never mentioned him to me or posted anything about him on fb. I have a fair bit of contact as we have a son together.

I want her back that's the truth

I just know she would not let me

Hi dobie,

I think it's good being honest.

I also think it's important understanding the dynamics of a r/s with a PwBPD and what role you play.

She needs someone so she can emotionally cope with a world she finds scary; and project her negative feelings about herself on someone else.

What is it about her that you want your ex back?

So your undecided?

But dude. I'll call you dude because my autocorrect doesn't like your name. 

To answer your original question what she wrote probably means something like she doesn't need you right now because she has someone else to fill those roles for her and you continue to remind her of the issue but your persistence ensures to her you remain their for when she one day does need you to fill one of these roles for her. 

Thanks mutt I never knew that about the disorder or what they need to do .

I just love her mutt I don't know or can't quantify it I've searched for answers I've rationalised it deconstructed it looked at myself coldy and pragmatically listed possible reason  but at the end of the day it just comes down to "the heart wanting what it wants"

I always wanted her but I don't have a choice blimblam she left me , she told me she has not "been in love with me for a year" but "loves me"

Dobie, your situation seems to be very similar to mine.  I have noticed several topics from you on this board that shows your continued struggle with your ex.  I too have spent a lot of time trying to figure out the “why” in my ex’s behavior, both with her most recent breakup/replacement of me as well as two others within the last two years.  I’ve realized that I’ll never fully understand, because her behavior is based upon what she needs at that exact moment.

She also refused my friendship about a month ago, saying we couldn’t be friends “right now” and “currently” didn’t want me to communicate with her.  She ended the conversation telling me that she can’t imagine not being friends.  She used “we” and “us” a lot, but I realize now it was HER that needed the space.  Your ex is asking for the same.  I should mention that three days after that above conversation with my ex, she went public on Facebook with my replacement.

Few months into the BU she wanted to stay friends why the change ?

Because at that moment, she couldn’t see or talk to you.  You are a trigger to her right now, as several people have said.  You could send her a different bouquet of flowers every single day, and it wouldn’t make a difference.


She told my bro she was single (whatever that means) and that she would find it hard to meet someone with a mind like mine that matches her on an Intelectual level so possible

My ex repeatedly told me that I would be the best and most loyal boyfriend she would ever have, and that she would never NOT love me.  She still replaced me.


Friendship is often only possible in the most superficial terms where there is no emotional engagement.

Cosmonaut makes a great point here.  Think of your ex’s friends.  How many of them are legitimately close to her?  And how many are casual friends that she occasionally sees?  My ex would cycle through groups of friends.  All of her current friends, including my replacement, are co-workers she wanted nothing to do with four months ago.  She talked daily about quitting her job and not caring if she saw any of them again.  Now she hangs out with them every day.  They are her new identity.  But eventually, she will cycle out of those friendships for new ones.  I’ve seen it happen several times.  She did the same thing with co-workers at another job two years ago.  Other than Facebook (which is the most superficial way to have friends) she hasn’t talked to or seen them since she quit.

I was her longest and most serious r/s  she is high functioning with traits so not a classic BPDer

Same with my ex.  5 years (not counting breakups) and I was her first adult boyfriend and sexual partner.  She is a “quiet” or “waif” BPDer, and rarely lashed out, and was never violent.  But she still has the characteristics.  She’s also high functioning and puts of an incredible personality, until you get close to her.

As soon as she got a new supply friends maybe a new guy she left

See above about my ex’s co-workers.  A BPDer can flip an opinion of someone on a dime.  Again, it’s whatever fills the tremendous pain and void in her life at that exact moment.

Yes a lot of people said she seems "off in some way" I felt it too but ignored

I’ve heard several similar points from mutual friends since I went public on Facebook with what I dealt with for five years.  I did so because my ex was plastering my replacement all over her profile like she was incredibly happy.  We aren’t friends on there anymore, so she never saw what I posted, but I heard from several people that they can tell there is something odd going on with her, and with us.  Seldom do you see “real” opinions on Facebook, which is why a BPDer usually overuses it – they can control their identity on there.  But in real life, it’s a different story.



She told me I would meet a girl who loves me and makes me happy so I think her feeling romantic love is deff dead

This is brushing their actions under the rug.  Oh, you’ll just meet another girl and be happy with her.  It’s also devaluing themselves.  They always fear this happening anyway.  My ex dumped one of my replacements to come back to me after he spent $200 on concerts tickets to take her.  She likely felt engulfed, but I was also willing to take her back.  She said “he can still take someone else, so it’s okay.”  She never accepted responsibility.  There was always an alternative answer.  Your ex is doing the same thing – as if you can just go find any girl and marry her tomorrow.  It really shows how low her self worth is if she can’t see what you invested in her – that you are just going to find someone else and forget about her.

Thanks very much for the detailed reply 4 years , so what's the solution just leave her be till she decides if and when she wants to make contact ?

Maybe I should say


" I'm sorry I contacted you I know if you want to find me or speak to me you will I'm here if you need me anytime "

And just leave her I want her back  :'(

Dobie, if she has set pretty firm boundaries and told you she doesn't want to be friends right now, then you should respect that.  If she has also told you to NOT contact her, you should respect that as well.  She still cares about you and loves you, but her disorder is pushing you away.  And she can't tell, because her subconscious is making her believe these irregular thoughts are the absolute truth.  I'm sure you feel like contacting her, but will it push her even further away?  Remember, you are a trigger for her right now, so expect a negative reaction to anything you say to her. 

If you see an opportunity to make one final attempt, simply tell her that you understand her request and you will leave her alone.  I wouldn't tell her that SHE can contact YOU, because that gives her the control to do so.  Then you will be waiting for that contact.  The best way for her to realize whether or not she wants you in her life is to not have you in it.  Then she will have to focus solely on whatever she currently has (replacement?) without you as a safety net.  It's very possible she will adjust her thoughts to you being gone from her life - this is likely because she isn't going to stop and analyze her behavior.  Be prepared to never hear from her again.

If she does try to reach out to you in the future, expect it to be in an indirect way to get her foot back in the door, so to speak.  She won't text "I MISS YOU" out of the blue.  She will test the waters first.  My ex hasn't tried to contact me since I went NC, but she will like comments I leave on mutual friends' Facebook statuses.  For her to even acknowledge me in that way is huge, so I wonder what is going on with my replacement to make her do that.

Which leads me to this... .if you have been monitoring her online presence, STOP.  I know this is hard, but not looking at my ex's Facebook for the past week has improved my recovery greatly.  I couldn't see anything anyway, but even seeing that she uploaded a photo ("Updated 15 minutes ago" was a trigger.  She is going to live her life with this new guy, and I know it will be rocky, both because of who he is and her own BPD demons.  Stay away!

It's perfectly normal to think of her.  I think of my ex every day.  I dreamed about her last night and spent most of today in a funk.  But that will happen.

The best advice I can give you is stop contacting her, leave her alone (both in real life and online) and focus on things for YOURSELF.  I've heard that many times on here and it has been hard to make that transition because I did so much with her.  But creating new experiences and memories that are 100% yours will help you.  I promise.  You can't control her.  The best thing you can do is leave her alone and let her make her own decisions.  If that doesn't include you, then she isn't worth being in your life.

Thanks four years she never said NOT to contact her though she said i could email when my bro asked for me .


I think what is annoying me is that I never really told her how much I miss her and how much she means to me if I did it was in between drunken texts where I was raging at her for how she BU (she then blocked me on her phone & wassapp)

I'm dying to tell her after six months I'm still very much in love with her apart from that two line poem I sent her which she responded to .

She was an important person in your life and you still love her. There's nothing wrong about that. But it seems to me that she still has power over you, you are still in the FOG. You focus on her, not on yourself. There must be something very beautiful in you - and you saw it, she mirrored it.

Thank you Maternus that's a beautiful sentiment 

"My point being I'm inclined to believe she does not love me however weeks before the BU she told me she "would kill herself" if anything happened to me so go figure."

"After the BU she laughed and said she was just being "dramatic"."

"She told my bro she was single (whatever that means) and that she would find it hard to meet someone with a mind like mine that matches her on an Intelectual level so possible."

Everyone is different here, but in general I think the way to recover from a BPD relationship is to face some cold hard "facts". There is no way to prove what was real or a lie. Every word they have said to us should be thrown out the window. Those words keep us stuck and tortured.

6) Clinging to the words that were said: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm   

"I'm dying to tell her after six months I'm still very much in love with her apart from that two line poem I sent her which she responded to."

I would imagine that she knows that you love her. Thing is though, we can't make them love us back in any normal way. I tried for 4 years with my BPD wife.

Well I'm in a tail spin I'm still not sure if she has BPD traits or is just emotionally immature and all the rest paranoid , dysryhthmic , anxious etc


Anyway I said we didn't have to meet yet but I would email which is what I have been doing so never said not to but she is not replying .

Why can't I stop thinking about this damm woman its been 7 months ffs !

Why can't I let go !

I think part of it is how she blindsided me for a year than broke up like I meant as little as gum on her shoe while I thought we were going to buy a house and get married

There were so many signs and things she said  I missed in the r/s I had my head in the sand

Feel rubbish every damm day

Having had a very similar experience with my ex, I have to totally agree with this.

It also likely means I don't give a hoot .

It also contradicts what she said early on in the BU and a few months after

"When your feeling better  let's meet for a coffee and stay friends "

I don't think it's that she doesn't care, dobie.  It's that she's disordered.  This is all about her and her out of control emotions.  She can't see you right now, because emotionally she can't handle it.  It's too painful for her and too shameful.  Far from not caring, she is overcome with emotion.  It's just very disordered emotion - out of control emotion.  And she's struggling to save herself from it using the only tools she has.  And they are a very poor, very primitive toolset.  A very unhealthy way to deal with her emotions.  And very destructive.  pwBPD use defense mechanisms like splitting, dissociating, projection, impulsive behaviors (distractions), and running away.  These are the sorts of behaviors we see over and over on this forum.  They are simply the way pwBPD deal with the raging storms of emotion they experience.

The most important thing to realize is that this is not about you.  This isn't because you aren't good enough or weren't a loving enough partner.  It's not because you didn't treat your ex well enough or did something to drive her away.  This is just the disorder at work.  You could have been the best partner in the world, and chances are you were a great partner, but this still would have happened.  And that's because love can't change the nature of the disorder, no matter how much love we give.  In fact, love is in many ways the trigger.  That's not our fault.  We didn't cause that and we tried to love someone very damaged as best we could.  Truly this isn't because of any failing in you, dobie.  This is simply BPD.  It's what the disorder does.

Thank you so much for that cosmonaught means a lot the trouble I struggle with is her behaviours due to BPD in which case everything you said is true or is she just a selfish immature anxious , depressed, victim mentality , paranoid and untrusting person .

That's what's driving me nuts is she I'll or just well a douche I mean she told me she was conflicted for a year and should have left then .


They way she BU and her behaviours are not normal I've never had a BU like this in my life or heard of it short of infeditilty or abuse .

I understand.  It's natural to need to try and make sense of what happened to us, and to understand what went wrong.  That's very difficult in these sorts of relationships, because the situation doesn't make much sense and our partners aren't available to help us understand what went wrong.  We are left on our own to seek closure.  And it's not easy.

We can't know for sure if our exes have BPD if there was no professional diagnosis made.  We can, however, make the best determination with the information we have.  After all, we knew our pwBPD better than most and we saw sides of them most people never see.  We are not in a bad position to be able to say "they probably have BPD".  Ultimately, however, this determination is not for them.  We can't resolve their disorder for them and trying to do so almost always causes more problems than it solves.  We use this to help ourselves in healing.  To free ourselves from inappropriate guilt and blame.  To understanding how we became so attached.  To determine how to move forward in our lives, hopefully as wiser and stronger people.  We use it to heal.  If you suspect that your ex has BPD, or even just BPD traits, I'd advise you to go with it.  The important thing is that we begin to heal.

Sent her an email telling her for the first time since the BU that I love her and won't quit .

Tried to call her she hung up and blocked me

Fuming and feel stupid .

I'm sorry, man.  I know that hurts so much.  My ex did the same to me, without explaination.  This was after she had assured me we would still be friends and I could call her.  One of the very last things she told me was "we'll talk soon".  We never did.  So, I can understand, man.  I still feel very hurt by her cutting me out of her life, and I still miss her.  I wish we could talk, but I understand that she can't.

Maybe you needed to contact her.  At least now you have a better idea of where she's at with things.  I would say her response is heavily in line with BPD, if that helps to resolve anything for you.  She's very disordered and she's shutting you out to protect herself in a very unhealthy way that is deeply hurtful to you.  This is about her and her out of control emotions.  Unfortunately, she can't have a heart to heart with you about things, and explain how she feels about the relationship and why she wants to end it.  She may feel very confused about why she is doing what she is doing too, and she may be feeling very ashamed about hurting you.  I know that makes it very hard to have closure, though, when you can't talk to your partner about these things.  And it really hurts when there is no attempt to try and resolve any of the problems she is experiencing (through no fault of yours).

I also understand if you don't want to give up on her.  Just remember that there is nothing you can do to change her disorder.  All you can do is respond to it and try to be as supportive and understand as you can.  Right now you are a trigger, and the most loving thing that you can do is to give her space.  She has to allow her emotions to calm before she will be able to see or talk to you again.  There's no way of knowing when that might be.  You will have to decide how long you want to wait.  I wish I could be more encouraging, but the reality is that there is just no way to know if she will be back or when.  Remember, though, and this is so important: this is not your fault.  This is her disorder.  You didn't do anything to deserve this treatment.  I know that doesn't cure the pain in any way, but don't accept the blame and guilt for this breakup.  It truly isn't your fault.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing and what you're feeling.  We're here for you.   |iiii

Thanks Cosmo its been seven months since she left and she is obviously still triggered

I'm going to just email her and say thats it I'm not going to bother her again and see where if and when she ever responds

:'(

I really hoped we could have met like she said after the BU and stayed friends got a normal healthy goodbye from her  face to face etc but its impposible she can't face me she feels guilt and shame so she is blocking me out and acting like she has done little wrong .

This is only torturing me .

There is no sense to be had of such a disorder and behaviours apart from they are unhealthy .

Are you more angry at her or yourself?

You can certainly send her an email as you say in your next post. She's made clear boundaries,  however, by the hang up and the block. Leave aside BPD for a minute... . how would you feel if she called you when you hung up on her and blocked her if you subsequently got the email you're thinking of writing?

She's not emotionally capable of putting herself in your shoes, but you are in the reverse. Do you think you would take it fondly, or would it trigger you more? Now add BPD to the mix and ask the same question.

I'm really sorry, dobie.  I know you're hurting right now, man.  I wish that you could be able to meet with your ex, talk about the relationship and what happened, and be able to remain friendly with someone that you care about tremendously.  That's completely natural to want that, and in a more healthy breakup she could give that to you.  But she can't.  It's not to spite you and it's not to torture you - it's because she can't handle it.  And, unfortunately, her emotions are so overwhelming and so out of control that stopping the pain is all that she can see.  She's not concerned with your feelings, because she is too wrapped up in her own struggle.  What she is doing is very, very hurtful, though.  And I know you are in pain.  I have been through this too and I can still feel the hurt.  This is very painful.  And I am sorry this is happening to you, man.

I think Turkish has some really good advice for you, dobie.  I know it may be very hard for you, but I would not recommend to contact her again.  I don't think it will end up having the effect that you are hoping.  If you need to write something for closure post it here, or if it is too personal you can PM it to me or Turkish or someone else that you trust here.  I can totally understand if you need to do that, and that's not unusual.  It is very hard when we are not able to get closure from our ex, and we are forced to provide it for ourselves.  Sometimes putting things in writing makes it more concrete and helps to "get it out".

Thanks Turkish makes sense

Cosmo : cheers bro the first week after the BU she gave her reasons down the phone well she just said she was not sure she wanted to break up wanted time to think (I dumped her first via email) after she left and trashed my bday . but that she didn't love me.  I was really understanding mostly because I was so hurt and plus my pride so I acted like it was no big deal but it was a reasonable adult conversation .

Next week I asked to meet to talk she declined but took a call where she was highly agitated and spewed resentment as well as her there's no need to talk or meet its over

I don't love you haven't for a year or longer etc


Since then the only time we talked was twice to sort things out  keys , rent etc for her to shock me with her selfishness   any mention of her behaviours or what she did or the BU got closed down


I don't think she loves me I think a part of her cares about me and is ashamed for her actions post BU as well as her deciet over the last year or so .

I agree she can't handle or process like a normal adult last night just proved it for me so for her out of sight out of mind and she does not have to deal with her actions or behaviours or the fall out for me .

Her offer of "friendship" was an attempt to appear mature and also in case she needed me as well as to feel less guilty it was never sincire nor was her "I care about him" she told my bro a few weeks back .she only cares about herself and her needs I've seen that in full force over the last 12-18 months I was just in the fog at the time .

Sounds like you've made some really good insights, dobie.   |iiii  Friendship is a very difficult task for many pwBPD, because emotional intimacy is what is triggering for them.  Your ex may have had sincere intentions, or she may have just been trying to lessen her shame at the time.  Still, it is not surprising either way that she has had difficulty in keeping her word.  This is, unfortunately, common for pwBPD when a relationship ends.  It's still so very confusing and hurtful for us, though, isn't it?

Keep posting and keep letting us know how you're doing with things.

Thanks Cosmo the more thinking I do the more I wonder if I'm trying to make her fit the BPD model so I rationalise her behaviours .

I'm not sure I ever saw engulfment for instance . more she has no core no self but again this can be due to immaturity rather than a pwBPD

As for adondnment again she was never overly jealous we never broke up we had fights over the years where she left for a few days to "think" but never recycles . paranoid and distrusting in the last year or so that I only wanted her for her money and I was going to "betray her" yes she needed object constancy texts every day hissy fits if I had to go away for work etc

Mind you I never overtly made her feel insecure .


Devaluing and selfish in the last year but more in a paranoid way than "I hate you" yes criticism and other beahviours , resentment etc

She has never gone back to or recycled an x either .

Idealisation in the first 4-5 years black & white thinking etc

She uses people she admited this to me she used her last bf and again said she should have left him a year before she did but needed him (just like me)

In fact lots of the symptoms but never outright engulfment or abondnment fears

A sense of being empty yep but again immature people have this

I think with her she was never happy or could allow herself to be happy and she expects other people of things to make her . so once she got the job the friends blah blah than I became the target she can't ever really forgive or forget so anything I did was stored in her memory banks to build up as resentment and ammunition

I'm starting to think she is just a selfish user a pro victim immature empty  and evil and does not deserve my commpasion of thinking she is disordered .

Selfish and shallow she cares more about herself and money than me or our dead dog

Its been seven months of hell .

Dobie, after reading so much over the past 6 months on HPD/BPDs I have made my on mind up as to why everything happened the way it did, and I now finally understand that there's one thing that HPD/BPDs cant handle emotionally and that is REJECTION.  So in regards to what you asked she wants to stay friends but shes not going to ask to meet for a coffee because deep down she knows she cant handle rejection.  Rejection to a Cluster B is like death thats one of the core triggers that starts their psychosis like behavior.  Thats the reason why she wont text you directly because deep down shes scared of being rejected, thats why they will sometimes call you and hang up, because by making contact that way they are safe from rejection.  So in your case she wants to be friends, but she doesnt want to meet for a coffee because in her eyes she maybe thinks you will either reject her, or reject the situation in one way or another, so by staying friends she feels in control of the current situation, and her fear of rejection is now on her terms.  She wont text you directly with things like I miss you, because god forbid you dont, text back or you dont reply saying I miss you to, she will rage and break into a deep depression.  I now realize thats why my ex blocked and deleted me 7 months ago, because I said I know your playing mind games with me, I cant do this anymore (rejection).  I now also realize why she called me after 4 months of NC then when I emailed her saying why did you call me? she denied even calling me, the reason why she denied it is because deep down she feared rejection, so by being in denial about her impulsive actions I couldn't reject her because in her head she denied calling me, so when I print screened the call she then said oh im sorry about that! she obviously felt as if i rejected her attempt to contact me because she did try to start a conversation with you ok?

So the easiest way to look at this is this:  She will do what ever it takes to protect her false image, she wants others to praise her because maybe her parents never gave her the kind of attention needed to grow emotionally as an individual, she wants others to like her and this is why Cluster Bs go that extra mile to fulfill our needs, they want to be accepted for who they are deep down, but on the surface are to scared to open up to others in the fear of being rejected.  Thats why a lot of the time the Cluster B will dump us first, they will also line another person up before the break up because this can soothe the feeling of rejection and being alone.  They know deep down who they are and they hate themselves, but the fact of the matter is, they dont want others to see that, so when you call them out for negative behavior they go ballistic.  The worst thing you could possibly do to a Cluster B is say they are HPD/BPD, this is solely because they cant stand themselves as people so when they know that you know the real them they hate you this is known as PROJECTION.  Imagine the Cluster B standing in a room full of mirrors, on the outside they see a pretty face, but when you remind them of the real them, the glass then cracks and the real them is now looking back at them, just imagine seeing a monster in your reflection, they run, they run so fast to the point we are thinking what the hell just happened! when you call them out you remind them of the person they try so hard to hide and their only way to deal with this inner pain is to either shut down completely (emotional cut off) or run and never look back (Burning bridges).

I hope that helps you                          

Jammo that is a well put together insight... .thank you it helps me understand my ex a lil more 

Thanks Mitatsu glad I could help you, stay strong!

Thanks jammo thing is two weeks after the BU she did text me I miss you then I sent her something romantic and she apologised saying she was selfish and we are not right for each other but that she does miss me .

She also asked to stay friends first week in and I shot her down , then a month or two later I didn't reply .


Now she is saying to my bro she offered to be friends (she did) but when I reached out she said "its too soon 7 months later" !

She also told me early on she wants me to be OK about all this and even a few weeks back with my bro she wished me well wants me to be happy


This sounds like someone who is completely detached not wanting a friendship or anything else .

There is a few scenarios that could be happening here, these are as follows:

She has a replacement, but she doesn't want you to know about it, so shes distanced herself from you as much as possible (Very unlikely)

In her mind she now relates you with rejection, because she reached out to be friends and you shut her down, so she now she is either to scared to make that connection again because the rejection she felt was so overwhelming it may have caused a psychotic episode (Anger/rage,depression/anxiety)

She feels worthless (low self worth) and maybe deep down she feels you are better off without her, because if shes more aware than most, she knows why shes doing it but she cant control it, this is due to poor impulsive control.

It sounds to me that, she wants you there, but not in a way that she may feel suffocated by your presence, she wants to keep you at arms length because shes scared if she does meet you she may be triggered and push you away even further.  She wants you in her life, she wished you happy birthday (shows empathy) but she is scared how you may react if her BPD gets the best of her again.  Your best bet is to listen to her and wish her well, tell her youll always be there for her if she ever needs someone to talk to, and you love her enough to respect that right now she doesnt want to be friends right now.

P.S I would only advise telling her that if she reaches out to you first and if you know 100% that there is no replacement right now, she sounds self aware of her BPD and is scared of further damage to your emotional connection as individuals.  If she was NPD/HPD I would say run! But this person sounds genuine and in need of help, so let her reach out to you when shes ready to.  

Its so hard jammo because overall I got was anger indifference and arrogance

She is  right we did bicker all the time (exegeration) we did stop sleeping in separate beds the sex life and intimacy did wane

These above are some of her reasons

Its hard to know because of all the other aspects if BPD is at play or some sort of maladaptive pd behaviours or just an immature selfish anxious depressed victim type who fell out of love with me


I don't know how to play it bro

I know it sucks, but the only way to play it is be a man, what I mean by this is simple, you need to show her and yourself that you can handle any situation she throws at you without showing emotion.  For example, if she has devalued you, any form of love from you is only going to annoy her further, what you need now is what I call time out, start having time to yourself for a while to put all the pieces together, once you have reached this point you will look back at this woman and think Im lucky to be out of it.  The way I did this is pretty simple, I went on you tube watched videos of BPD/HPD sufferers talk about how they really feel, I also went over to the Psyche forums and read 100s of HPD/BPD posts from actual sufferers, remember this is a NON forum.  I then compiled a lot of key words which I then googled to give me a better understanding of the last 2 years of my life, and once you have your Eureka moment you will fully understand why this this relationship was destined to fail from the start, a few words I compiled and googled were:

The emotional cut off BPD

When you reject a BPD

Do BPDs ever return

BPD and attention

BPD impulsive behaviour

Do BPDs miss their exes?



I just red and red untill I finally understood what and why it happened, yes I understand that every BPD is different, but when you actually read posts from BPD sufferers its a big eye opener into how real this really is for them.  Getting advice from NONs is great because we share similar experiences, but when you read post from BPD sufferers regarding the questions you have it really does bring us closure.   

Thanks it would be a great idea for me to understand more from a BPD point of view rather than us nons . like I said I don't think she is BPD if she is its a high functioning pd but she has a lot of traits .

I emailed her a few times telling her how much I love her , how mad this is all is that I'm crazy about and I've spent six months chasing women going into therapy tking up martial arts even thinking of leaving thencountry to forget her and doing everything else I can to forget her

I also told her if she wants me to stop just say one word STOP .

I told the truth no manly silence or pretend attitude that I've been doing for six months or anger just the truth I miss her I love her she can't be replaced and I understand she does not feel the same but it does not mean I can quit how I feel


She has not told me to stop so I don't know if she is just blocking my email or she likes what I'm doing ?

I realise I'm half mad with grief and longing but that's what love is a form of madness

Space will not help her to calm her emotions. No one knows what can help her to calm her emotions.

I am not with my ex for a 1 year and a 1/2 and I am getting painted just more black. Recently she has blocked my number.

So you can't just wait in order for her emotions, do what you think you should. If you want to fight for her altough you know you have little change, don't wait - just fight unitl you can. But the best thing is to let go and stop wanting to be with her.

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