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Title: Is your pwBPD's name also your identity? Post by: Bumpsintheroad on April 11, 2015, 01:31:19 PM My exBPDwife had a pretty traumatic childhood. Serious abandonment issues. Sexual abuse and physically beaten very often. One day she came to me and said she wanted to do something to ... .
"regain her own identity". "bury the past" "bury her past" "begin a new life" "start from scratch" She came to the conclusion that one way to do so, would be to change HER NAME. She asked me if it would hurt my feelings. Asked if I would take it as a personal affront. She explained it would go a long way to helping her "heal" and allow her to "forgive" those who abused her. Well, I wanted to be supportive and I thought maybe it was just some phase she was going thru. So I suggested she think on it for a week or so and if she still felt like it was truly something she was considering, then we could look into it a little further. 24 hours passed and she came to me with a list of about 25 names she liked. And it wasn't just her first name. It was FIRST MIDDLE and LAST. Well, I was pretty shocked. She had all the preliminary forms and legal documents. Said she had spoken to the state and federal agencies involved. She had this look on her face like she had just won the lottery. Also wanted my input on what names I liked, or disliked. Needless to say, she clearly had this agenda in the works for quite a spell. To make a short story longer; She (with some input from me) decided on a new name/identity and within a couple months was official and legal. Not three months later, she moved out of our home while I was visiting family out of town for the weekend. Nearly emptied our bank accounts (my money from a Work Comp settlement, she didn't work) left me my clothes and some furniture. She took everything else. She's now with my replacement, doesn't bother me in the least, but I wonder if she marries this guy (or already has... .which would be #5)... .does she take his name or keep her name? Has anyone here ever heard of or been involved with someone who did something similar? Title: Re: Is your pwBPD's name also your identity? Post by: fromheeltoheal on April 11, 2015, 03:54:18 PM Excerpt Has anyone here ever heard of or been involved with someone who did something similar? Sort of: my ex had been married 3 times and always took her ex's name, so along with her maiden name she had 4 names, and they were a source of shame for her, marks of repeated failures. Although your situation is sad Bumps. Someone without a stable sense of self, and therefore identity, looking outside themselves for that identity, and giving meaning to their name, making it their identity, so by changing it they change who they 'are' and erase the history along with the old name. That would be really handy if things worked that way, when you think about it, but unfortunately they don't so it's just sad. Although it does tie into her abandoning you, part of that erasing of a previous life as defined by a name and starting over. Sorry man, that would be very painful. And we know that it doesn't work either, because she took the disorder with her, so maybe she'll now take his name or an entirely new one, window dressing on the problem, no resolution. A resolution can happen for you however, and congrats for showing up and doing the work. Take care of you! Title: Re: Is your pwBPD's name also your identity? Post by: Bumpsintheroad on April 11, 2015, 04:10:43 PM Heel,
What I meant to ask was 'Is your pwBPD's name also THEIR identity'? But I think you got the idea. She has now had 6 last names and she's only 41. I wonder if she ever gets crossed up when someone asks her name? |