BPDFamily.com

So have been divorced 9 months + 1yr/5months separation from BPDxw  I have only email contact if at all because of her abusive nature.  I have not responded much to her bait and hooks to engage me.

However... .

After enough times I would like to unload on her about all (or at least the big ones) of her episodes of poor behavior and acting out.   I have not sent it mostly because the children would take some heat because of me. Which is the main reason I keep my pie hole shut.

To her I am the bad one now and she can't believe she stayed or even married me  

  I would like to not ever have to deal with her verbal abuse again.

So... .Does it ever sink in a little bit?  Or just continue NC as much as possible?

No contact as much as possible. It won't sink in even a little bit, and will do more harm than good. Remember they think in black and white. They have to think they are good people, otherwise their whole sense of their false self crumbles, and that would basically be emotional death for them. Without gray area, they can't realize that it's okay to have some faults. And since they have to view themselves as good people, the blame will go elsewhere, especially if you're the one in the vicinity telling them what's wrong with them.

So basically, it is a dream of a lot of us to be able to tell BPDs that we know who they are, but winning an argument against them is impossible with all of their mind games (lack of logic on their part), and just makes us feel horrible. So I would definitely recommend no contact.

No it wont ever sink in!  Thats whats so frustrating is there will never be any closure, there will never be helping her, she will never realize what her actions have done.  Just move on and have as little comunication as possible. Try and dodge the bullets until your kids are grown. 

It will likely only trigger toxic shame and bad behavior.  I have seen my dBPDex have brief moments of clarity but it is not persistent.  They quickly go back to their full time occupation of shielding their ego.  Trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person is futile.

First I'd look at your motivation for calling her on her behavior.  I realize you have children, and they should be the focus, which it seems they are, and you'll have some kind of ongoing relationship with her for a long time probably.  Borderlines have a lot of shame, making it very difficult to accept responsibility, plus the emotions would be intense and hard to soothe, so the defense mechanisms of blaming you for everything and projecting get a lot of use.  You probably noticed, and you can be sure you'd get a double dose of those if you confronted her.  Again, what's the motivation?  Revenge, a desire to help, a desire to make things better for your kids, validation that it's not all you, closure?  Something I didn't think of?