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I have been married to my BPD husband for 3 years. I can deal effectively for about 3 weeks out of the month. Once pms hits, I come unglued! He lacks humanity. At these times I absolutely hate him. I am a devoted Catholic, so you can imagine the spiritual turmoil this creates in me? Any one out there with a similar story?

Hello, Ysabel & *welcome*

I'm so sorry for how difficult and stressful (and I'm sure painful) things are for you in your relationship... .And yeah; when I was still having PMS periodically run my life, I also had less tolerance for my Husband (who has BPD traits) and his behaviors. I did find that once I could pinpoint my agitation and emotional sensitivities as being tied into PMS, it did get easier for me to "talk myself" down from those ledges 

Realizing that correlation is your first step to getting a handle on it all, Ysabel, and also checking out the links to the right-hand side of this page will also help you get a handle on things by helping you learn just how your Husband's mind works and what you can do to (hopefully) make things better. I do know that once I understood what I was dealing with, I looked at my Husband differently, and was able to see the dysregulated feelings he had/has behind his behaviors that used to confuse and perplex me. And knowing this stuff helped me not personalize his actions and words, which helped me not get tangled up emotionally in them.

Have you had the chance to read the Articles and other materials on this site, yet? Under the 4 photos at the top of the Staying Board's thread listing page are several very good Feature Articles (you can find them here, too: When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols)). This one, Why we struggle in our relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships) is a great one to start with, but I do recommend your reading them all.

It's great to get a good handle on what is happening to us and our BPD loved ones, and since knowledge is power, it's very helpful. Do you have any children? Do you have any friends or family members who know what's going on with your relationship? Anyone to speak to for support? Please read all you can on this site, and tell us more about your story and what exactly goes on when you get overwhelmed--we want to help, Ysabel 

Hi Ysabel,


as Rapt Reader said awareness counts for a lot. Often a good way to gain perspective and deepen awareness it to write things down, share and reach out for support. So when you feel a crisis building up or suddenly happening - that is a good time to ask for help on the board.

Give it a try and *welcome*,

a0

Welcome!

Something positive in what you posted - that you are aware of the times when it is hard to deal with him.  That's HUGE, because dealing with BPD day in and day out is extremely exhausting, and we all go through periods where we feel completely burnt out and at the end of our ropes.   Very insightful to know that 3 out of 4 weeks you can manage, and one week is more difficult. 

Since you know when that week is going to be, and what causes it, any chance you can keep your distance during that week, do things on your own for yourself, and try to stay away from his BPD-crap?

 

     |iiii

Welcome to the family.

Looking forward to getting to know you better.

FF

Hi Ysabel!

I have had similar experiences where I have a lot of difficulties keeping my stuff together when that time of month rolls around.

One of the suggestions that I read was to give him fair warning. Something along the lines of "It is that time of the month so I need some space." Or, let them know that you are struggling with the pain/discomfort etc. I tried that at the suggestion of somebody else to try to keep him from taking it personally. It didn't work. It actually felt like it backfired on me and he got even worse.

I have since found out that he got nastier to me during that time of the month because he was so worried about getting his needs met. He admitted to me that he would get frustrated and meaner during that time of the month because he was so focused on how he was going to get his sexual needs met. He couldn't be sympathetic because he was so focused on what that time of the month meant for him.

Hugs!   

Welcome to the family  

For me I have "I hate him more than anything on earth day" usually a day or two before my cycle starts.

He's hard to deal with most days, but that one day of the month I don't want to be anywhere near him & I try to keep my distance.

Maybe some extra stress relief, mediation or a good long walk (my personal fav, because he never wants to go).  My kids usually go with me so I get time away from him plus time with my kids)

Hugs to you. I know my faith is very important to me too, and BPDh has zero faith in anything, which he pretty much duped me about prior to marriage(I'm sure his lies are due to his BPD). It's hard when you have two sets of moral compasses, I know! And it seems like my husband sure likes to "test" how Christian I'll behave, just so he can justify his lack of faith.

The thing that annoys me the MOST about BPD is that I don't feel I'm ever allowed to have PMS, or any normal reactions, period. I'm always too busy trying to dodge his, or "stay positive". It's draining. I'm the female, and yet I feel like I'm married to a man who has constant PMS, and mood swings, but I know it's jut the BPD. Heck, it's worse than any female having PMS that I've ever known. I grew up in a household where we were taught that just because it's "that time of the month" it is NOT an excuse to act awful, and I really never have. I tend to be more weepy at that time, but again, not really allowed to exhibit that either!

Don't be so hard on yourself. There are times when I can't stand BPDh, but it's just the BEHAVIOR that I hate, but for me, it's hard to separate the behavior from the person, because for me, our behaviors make us what we are. I try to remind myself though that he has an illness, or disorder, and that makes it a little easier to take.

I still wish I could have a partner who empathized with ME, who didn't require such work, and didn't feel like an emotional vampire... .