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I'm trying my best to avoid reading between the lines in a paranoid fashion, but it's difficult. My ex who may be BPD (I am not sure) owes me a bit of money. It's not much, and I don't really care. It's the way it was handled. She said in late March she will put the money in "straight away" and this never occurred. We talked about our feelings in early April and it was fairly civil. With the exception of a couple of outbursts, she has never really devalued me. The Thursday just gone she said she just put the money in and apologised for taking too long, but said she was justified because she knew I wasn't going to starve. I said thanks and I wasn't overly concerned as I had total confidence she would pay me back.

But there is still no money. I rang my bank and they said that it should have been processed by now. What is the purpose of this? To avoid closure? A carrot on the stick for communication? If I message her first she may attack me that I am accusing her of lying?

Should I message her and say, "Hey, what account did you put it in? I still haven't got the money." Maybe ask for a screenshot? Or just not touch it and wait until the next time she messages me when feeling lonely and empty?

Cheers.

So it's not about the money, it's the principle.  It's really for you to decide if it's more important to win that battle or just let it go.  My ex owes me $1200, which I'm sure I'll never see, but to me that's a small price to pay for my sanity, and there is no way we could have had any civil exchange regarding it.  So I let it go.  I told her not meeting commitments is a good way to feel bad about yourself, she knows it and feels bad enough already, so if she wants to do that to herself so be it, I'm done with it.

So what's the real motivation?

Mine owes me $1500 and I don't really expect to ever see it back. I miss it, but like fromheel said it's basically the price of sanity. Oh sure, she said that it was important to her to pay back debts and so on, but that's just how she wants to see herself, not how she is. She has some reason why she can't pay it, and some wrong I've done to justify painting me black, and I'm sure she 'plans' to one day, but... .

My UxBPDbf owes me approx $4000.  I am a single mom who doesn't have that kind of cash to spare.  And yet, I gave it to him, time and time again. If he had asked me for $4000 or even $2000 I would never have said yes.  But it was a little bit here and a little bit there which added up to a lot.  My family would be horrified if they knew how much.  There were big promises to pay it back and the promise that ultimately "all that was [his] would one day be mine."  Never mind he didn't have s@#t!  I was the idiot who didn't hold the line.  Didn't insist on being repaid.  He is guilty of not repaying me.  I am guilty of not insisting. 

I do not expect to ever see a dime from him.  I will never use that money as a reason to call him.  It is gone in my mind.  He, too, told me countless times that he "repays his debts."  If one day a check shows up in the mail that will be great.  But I surely do not expect it and will never ask him for it.  F@#$ the money.  The b/u and having MY life back is worth every penny I do not get. 

Mine stole 1000$ and later said it was for all the gifts he had bought for me

Owed me another 300$ and said he would pay me back but of course it never happened.

Well, let's consider the money as a tuition fee for a valuable lesson in life, make it easier though :)

My uBPDex doesn't owe me money, but I spent about 1500 € for the refurbishing and furniture for the house we moved in together some weeks before she broke up with me. She has two children so I couldn't throw her out.  

My BPDexwife had her own logic with money and debts. If she had the money to pay me back she gladly did, but if she didn't she would do all in her power to prove that she didn't owe me any money and that I had imagined the whole episode of her borrowing money.

There are still large amounts that I lost to her just not owing up to the debts. Circular arguments for hours on end until I just couldn't take it any more.

But on the other hand she lost a lot of money to money to me when we split, which is a long story. She is a generous and carefree spender, but sooner or later the has second thoughts.

When we were together she didn't want to think of "yours" and "mine". It was me who insisted on having split economy. When she had cash she was generous, but when she was broke she was like a leech on me and didn't contribute (barely worked!). Irresponsible.

My ex wife and I both earn good money, but she always pretend to be poor and leech money off me.  The only difference between her and me is that I consistently makes it, where she changes her job almost once a year, very unstable as she gets into fights with coworkers almost everywhere.

In the 4 years we've been together, she leeched probably $50k off me, but I wont' fight for it for the same reasons as others, a price for my own sanity.

If she told you she would pay you back and she said she has done it, I personally wouldn't let her off the hook. If you think about it, it is more of the same like their push/pull in that she's trying to see how much she can get a way with from you. Sure she may be doing it as a means to keep you hooked in, but it's also about control for her. Maybe it is a little bit of money, but if you let it go then she sees it wasn't a big deal to you. And maybe it's not, but as an adult she does have the RESPONSIBILITY to do as she says.

As for me, my ex owes me between $100K and $120K. Interestingly when she ended our relationship (without explanation or me getting to ask what the heck was going on), she told me I had been a good friend. What she didn't mention besides a reason, was that she owed me a ton of money and would pay me back. I assure you I have NO friends that I ever spent money on like her.

I'm not convinced yet that I'm not going to sue her to get the money back. And it won't be in small claims, but in civil court and I may ask for punitive damages as well. She knows she owes me a ton of money and yet she's just disappeared. You know who does that? Con artists, thieves, and grifters, that's who... .

Very similar story for me.  The amount of money that I shared with her at the end, and especially the amount I spent on furniture (just a month before she derailed things) would almost certainly get me a legal judgment well north of 1500 €.  In fear for my life and livelihood I did not return for the furniture and I'm not asking her for any money.  This is just how pwBPD role.  Lesson learned.  But I have my life and job intact.  If you are dealing with a Jodi Arias type, just cut your losses and move forward with NC.  

My SO's uBPDxw does this all the time... .kids school accounts, landlords, friends and family... ."It will be there on Tuesday" "It's taken care of" "I'm just waiting to receive a check and then I'll pay you"... .

But Money?  Real Currency?  Nothing, Nada, Zilch 

I think she says all these things to put off paying thus avoiding consequences, to deal with the guilt she has for not paying, and to convince herself she "has taken care of it" by believing her own propoganda... .denial.

Unfortunately all of the chickens have been coming home to roost in her case.  She has been evicted 3 times, has alienated her oldest daughter because her college tuition was "taken care of" NOT!, she has a feloney fraud case against her for writing a large bad check, and a civil case against her as well.

Money issues are her specialty. 


You could contact her but I wouldn't have high expectations and I'd really think about if the interaction is worth it.

I had to kiss $25,000 goodbye when my exwife pushed me out of her life, slammed the door shut and painted me black. Yes it still hurts, both not having the money and not having my family. But that doesn't change the fact that I will never see that money again. It's just a really expensive/valuable exercise in letting go.

I definitely won't go after my money.  But isn't that just the damnedest thing... .the BPDs bad behavior means they get let off the hook again.  Regarding this one topic, I feel damned if I do (go after the money) and damned if I don't. 

Maybe the happy medium would be for an attorney to pursue it for me, but it still seems to prolong the agony. Like many of you said, I will consider this tuition for learning probably the most important lesson of my life.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one is this boat. Mine owes me about $3000 and I'm sure I will never see a dime of it back. Money problems have followed her around for her entire adult life so for her to owe a mountain of debt with credit cards("I'm up to my eyeballs!" and to me is no surprise. One more reason I'm still NC with her after almost 7 months.

Yup, the pwBPD can probably bank on squeezing say $5K - 10K out of a partner on the tail end of a two-year relationship.  The pwBPD will act in such terrifying ways that the victim will have no choice but to walk and not end up in the news or worse.  In some ways the pwBPD is "off the hook" and can gloat in victory.  However, to really achieve great things financially and professionally, generally, long-term, deep, mutually beneficial relationship building is required.  And this is something the pwBPD has failed to do (with you) and in fact cannot do.

Yup is right, Tim300, and Mks10, you are definitely not alone.  If 5-10K is typical after a 2 year relationship, I failed miserably.  $4K in an 8 month relationship.  Tho the last thousand was a check he wrote and signed himself on my account.  And I totally fell for his BS that I had promised to help him keep the line of credit open (no amount had ever been specified) and his line of attack that I wasn't a woman of my word, wouldn't do the right thing, etc. I freaking C A V E D.  I had said I was going to stop payment on the check.  Which would have been the reasonable, logical, smart thing to do.  But I caved. 

This is all so f#$%^& up.  Thank God, I am out.  It wasn't worth the price of admission (being adored) but is worth every cent x 10 to be out.   

Wow. Thank for all your replies. I have to concede my value is far less than what a lot of you have quoted, and I feel grateful. I've decided I won't bring it up until the next time she messages me (which she will).

It is certainly the principle, but after sleeping on it, I am pretty chill about it. I just want to work out her rationale. It's one thing to say you are going to do and never do it, but to claim you have already done it just seems illogical. She doesn't gain anything from that but seeming contradictory.

My exBPD a did not owe me any money... .but my experience is that she would simply rewrite history all the time. Just make up stories about things that happened to put herself in a good light and me in a bad light. ... .and when she attached to new supply, we'll all things were rewritten. Mine was extremely self-centered, childish and dishonest. What would be the big deal about changing what happened with finances and then just denying it until the end of time... .I could see mine doing that in an instant. No problem.

The other option is to take them to court and take care of business in a business-like fashion... .but I know that a lot of debt is not documented properly in an intimate relationship, and that could be just a waste of time and effort.

I would also get real honest with myself, if it is not a lot of money, as to why I am making contact about it. Do I have other motives. it's quite human to be doing that and be in heavy denial about your underlying reasons. Just a thought... .I have done that.

Unless it is a lot of money, I mean 10's of thousands... it just isn't worth the entanglement with a crazy person... .take the loss and move on... .it's usually a losing battle to try to make a person like this responsible. She certainly was not responsible with the currency of my heart. ... .and she could care less. So, why would we have the expectation that they would be responsible in areas of money or any kind of fairness. I guess that I got lucky there.

All of this said,  knowing what know now,  IF I was still in contact with my UexBPDbf,  I would be fighting for the money.  The money isn't worth breaking NC for me,  at this point, but I sure wish I had done it differently while we were still in touch.   Since you are still in touch,  CarlJungJr,  you might NOT let her off the hook so easily.   

In fact,  Infrared has me thinking.  I am actually considering going after the money.   Why should he get away with this? In the manner Infrared suggests:  :with lawyers.   I could at least have a letter written.   I was thinking it wasn't well documented but i have many text messages and emails from him abt the money and paying me back.   At the very least I can get a copy of the check he wrote and SIGNED himself on my account with the scathing emails he wrote me abt it and paying me back. .   

There is much abt  his life that he would not like to have come up in court.   He may be more compliant than I think.   Maybe not but I shouldn't automatically assume otherwise.   This is food for thought.   I should at least gather and print evidence and learn what the statute of limitations is.   Very good food for thought.  How would I be if I wasn't attached to the thought of being scared of him?   Just THINKING abt pursuing this feels empowering.

Thanks for this great conversation!   There is no way to quantify or recover damages for the emotional destruction,  but there may in fact be some recourse for the financial damages.   (of course,  this all presumes the satisfaction of me winning in court!)    Still,  worth discussing with an attorney :)

Interesting to consider... .Thanks,  gang

Yes. At least putting together what evidence you have and meeting with an attorney and getting advice and perhaps at at a minimum sending a letter can be helpful for our own resolve. I do not know about you, but my exBPD a mistreated me in many ways with no consequences whatsoever. Taking action in one matter, even if you have no positive outcome could be fulfilling just by making a conscious effort to take care of you. In my case, she could care less about me, so I had to start making choices that did.  There is very little or no accountability with BPD's... .that's how they fly! 

Infrared, I think I will put it together.  Doing so obligates me to nothing.  There is something appealing about pursuing it and also something equally distasteful.  I appreciate your perspective that taking action, regardless of the outcome, may be fulfilling.  This is all good food for thought.

Anyone have experience with legally pursuing the money owed to you by your XpwBPD?  If so, what happened?  How did it go?  Were you glad you did it?  Wish that you hadn't?  Was it worth it?  Love your thoughts and experience on this.

Thanks!

PS... .still pretty new here.  How do you copy and paste a comment from another post?  With the handy little box around it?  I don't know how to do that.  Thanks for the technical help too!

Reclaim... .just hit the quote button on the right hand top just above the post that you want to respond to. Then scroll down and start typing your reply under the final quote in brackets and your reply will be below the box. It will look just like what I did responding here.  Hope that helps.

Wow.  That is indeed a lot of money.  That's the kind of money most people couldn't just let slide.  I hope you can get it back without a messy legal battle.  Be careful and be prepared that you may be painted blacker than black if you take legal action.  Just be ready emotionally that your ex could get very nasty.  Smear campaigns are not uncommon.  I truly hope it doesn't come to that, but I want you to be safe and prepared.

Yes, this thought has crossed my mind too. That as nasty as he has been, it could get way worse.  That may still not be a good enough reason to not pursue it but worth thinking about it. 

ShadowIntheNight, you might check out lovefraud.com.  All about con-artists.  They may have some worthwhile suggestions or resources. 

I feel like if I decide to pursue my UxBPDbf for the $4K he owes me, I want to work with an attorney who UNDERSTANDS WELL the trickiness of BPD.  Not just any lawyer will do.  He/she needs to know what to look for, how to not get taken it, etc.  I wonder if there are attorneys out there who specialize in these kinds of mental health situations?

Sometimes the goal isn't in reclaiming the money, but the vindication. Understand she has run off with a man, after having been in a relationship with a woman (me) for 9.5 yrs. All of the years we were together she pretended to her friends and family we were just "good friends." Of course I have every piece of telecommunication that proves otherwise. She might try to lie in a court about our relationship, but perjury is really frowned upon in a court of law. So yes, it could get dirty, but much worse for her than me.

Is your goal then to have her publicly acknowledge your relationship rather than reclaiming the money?  Did she never publicly recognize that you were a couple?

Most lawyers should be able to help you not get suckered.  I have no experience here, however, as to whether there might be particular types of lawyers to look for that might be best suited for you.  You might try posting on the [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0) board.  Members there have experience with divorce and assets and might be able to give you some good advice on how to proceed.

When we were with my friends and family, yes. Hers, that I know of she only told one person about us. She was constantly being bombarded by her friends to "find a man." They presumed that would help her to quit being so angry about her exH. Well, in 10 yrs, anyone who is angrier at their exH 10 yrs AFTER the divorce has an issue that has nothing to do with the exH. It angers me that that she would never tell her so-called friends that she was happy with her life just as it was. For info, SHE divorced him, has known she was gay since she was a teen, and only got married because, in her words, "it was what she was supposed to do." And so what ever peer-pressure she has succumbed to, and I believe it's more of a mommy issue than anything, she's dragged some new guy into the drama that is her life. I can guarantee he has no idea she was with a woman for the last decade. How would you like to find that out?

And not wanting to hijack this thread, but the OP has had the exgf telling him he would return the money. I ardently agree he shouldn't let her off the hook. One thing that happens to the person who gives the money, at least in my experience, is that over time you find that no one pays you back. If I had to do it over, I would establish better financial boundaries. But I was in love and thought she was too. It seemed that way for many, many years... .

I would sure hope so but good suggestion on checking out the family law, divorce and custody board.  Your idea reminded me to check out High Conflict Institute to see what resources they have.  A big focus of the institute seems to be educating professionals (attorneys, judges, etc) about High Conflict families and disputes.  Thanks for your suggestion.


PS  what does OP stand for?

OP = original poster

I'm sure that the profound shame that is core to BPD is causing all sorts of problems for your ex in this situation.  And by extension you since you are also deeply affected by her disorder.  That her family doesn't want her to be with another woman, and perhaps her own inner conflict about her sexuality can only be adding to her crippling shame.  And thus her anger.  The anger that she is showing towards her exH may well be projected anger that she has at herself - who she hates and believes is defective.  And her shame about her sexuality (not that her shame is appropriate at all) is only adding to her feeling of being defective.  Or it could be splitting at work.  Or, most likely, some of both.  I only point this out so that you know that you are not the reason she didn't proclaim her love for you.  It's not you.  It's nothing you did or didn't do, and it's not because of any fault or failing in you.  This is entirely driven by her disorder and her unresolved issues about her sexuality.  That she doesn't have a fully formed "self" tends to allow pwBPD to be very unclear about who they actually are.  Some pwBPD can even be chameleons - radically different people to different attachments.  So, she may not be able to resolve her sexuality even if she really does know at some level that she is gay.  Please know that this isn't your fault, though.  This is not because of you.  It's not because you weren't good enough or she didn't love you.  This is the disorder.  I just want you to know that.

Thanks for you thoughtful words.