BPDFamily.com

Just my opinion but they don't ALWAYS come back, unless you leave the welcome mat out at the door.

I did a few things afterward that INSURED I would never go back and he would never try to come back.

I like that, and I have NO regrets that I did so.

That bridge isn't just burned but incinerated.

Ok? You have my attention. Care to share? If it's too painful or embarrassing I'll understand. There are def things I could do that would burn that bridge, but I'd rather leave a sleeping giant lie. She's too whacked out and I can only imagine what she would do to pay me back.

I knew after the break up that this was NOT normal to behave this way.  Crazy for me, I am his best friend, we were to marry. Then wedding called off. Said he couldn't feel deeply, that he should have told me (ya think?).  And that he loved me but woke up one day and cared for me but was no longer IN love with me, like a switch was flipped.

He had always ran his mouth about the exes.  Pointed them ALL out on FB, told the sad tale of how each one had been a bad choice, bad endings.  So, I reached out to EVERY SINGLE ONE after I found this site and asked what really happened.  THAT is what made me sure, he is a Narc and BPD.  Not only that, but we all met for wine to compare notes and I posted a picture of all of us, along with an explanation of the photo to where else, a BPD's playground... .facebook.  I knew he stalked, and when he saw that and knew we had been at a wine bar all night trading stories, comparing our experiences with him, I could smell the burning his brain must have done, tossing and turning all night thinking, thinking, thinking, off all the secrets shared, stories validated, laughs at his expense.

I now perform a stand up comedy act in a three county radius where I make audiences laugh about my life with his crazy ass, and the circus act that is him and his newest trainwreck, an Ex wrestler and porn fetish model (I can't make this stuff up... .).  And it EVERY performance at least two of his ghosts of girlfriends past (the name we gave our group) stand and wave as I acknowledge the new sisterhood that formed for his lies and cheating.  They ARE the best thing that came from the nightmare.

And because I brought us all together, he knows he cannot come back to ANY of us... .we are on to him... we KNOW what he is, and we are stronger as women and as a group than any of the shallow crap he used to pull to PULL you in... .

WOW! Hahaha! Love it... that is too damn funny! Vengeful, but with class. I actually have her X's email address. Poor guy had 2 beautiful kids w/her. I actually helped care for them while we lived together. She would always, always tell me how abusive he was. The worst thing is she's very verbally abusive w/the kids and she's big time into PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) always scaring the kids about Dad and how if they misbehave she's going to send them off to him. They start crying of course. So many times I've thought of contacting him and letting him know what's going on, but she has called the cops on me before and did her best to drum up dummy charges on me so I dont know what on earth she would do to pay me back. But your story is Great and it's great to have some humor injected into what typically is soo heavy around these boards.

Like sirensong, I did something also to ensure mine would never come back, and I have no doubt about that.

My exBPDgf is very high functioning. I sent her an email letting her I know I know she has BPD, and after tiring of the constant 'I've done nothing wrong / bad' statements, listed (only some) of the very awful things she did during our relationship.

She will be forever embarrassed, ashamed and guilty knowing she did those things. She cannot face the internal shame of what she did. And I will be a reminder of that shame and guilt and embarrassment to her.

I have no doubt I will never hear from her again. I am now painted the blackest of black and am happy to keep it that way for the remainder of my life.

My time with her almost killed me, and I have no desire ever again to ever want to be in contact nor a part of her life in any way whatsoever. I have compassion for her and her illness but I simply cannot have anything to do with her again.

You are an _______.

Wow, name, calling, awesome, Sandman.

But, I disagree.  HE is the ass.  HE is the one that has used up and thrown away countless women who truly sought to love him and begin a real partnership.  I was the first one to look at the situation and go, "wait a minute, we never fought, it was a sweet, stable relationship (unless he was starting fights for no reason, storming out, etc.), I am not buying what he's selling.  Could it be the stories he told about the others weren't true.

And true enough, they were not.  And these women, some as far back as five years, still hurt and couldn't close the chapter because HE (the TRUE ass) wouldn't give it to them, and lied and cheated and lined up a replacement be fore he had completely pushed them out the door.  And how do I know for a fact this is true?  Cause one of those girls, I REPLACED, we have the documentation now that proved it.  He broke her heart and I was the one he cheated with, having NO knowledge he had a girlfriend, as he was on a dating site claiming to be single and FINALLY ready to jump back in.  What an ass.

I know some here want to show compassion and empathy to these Aholes.  But let me make clear, I am not of that thinking. They show NO compassion or empathy to their victims when they drop them on their heads.  I have been married, I have had the pleasure of having and raising children.  Two of the women spent their most fertile years with this AHOLE and are now too old to have kids.  So, also lives wasted by someone who could care less.

He is calculated, manipulating, dishonest, will screw anything that shows him attention, I could go on and on.

So, I may be an Ahole.  But I won't be a victim again.  And I made sure he can't pull anyone from the past back in for another round of his lying Bull crap.  Actually, these girls have become very close friends because of this.  We have closure, and each other to understand what these relationships do to you.

I regret NOTHING but the day I laid eyes on him.

Your ex reminds me of my father, sirensong. 69 years old and still cheating, lying, manipulating. Yes, they are a... holes.

Maternus, his own father was the same way and he claimed to hate him.  It was one of the things I was trying to work with him on as his dad is in his late 60's and in a memory care facility.  Calls him all the time, and he doesn't want to talk to him.  His dad does not remember that he tore the family apart when the mother was diagnosed late stage breast cancer and his dad filed divorce papers on her while she was still in the hospital.  Then IMMEDIATELY came out that he had been seeing some woman for three years and wanted the kids to meet her. Acting as if this was a normal thing to do to a woman you had been married to and bore children with for  some 40 odd years.

Now, my Ex IS his father, and I am sure will be doing this song and dance til the day he dies.

Sirensong!  I freaking LOVE this!  I think you absolutely did the right thing.  I wish I could do the same.  The only one of his exes I knew was his ex wife.  I actually went to elementary school with her and her sister.  I reached out to the sister last week to confirm if he was abusive to his ex wife because he SWORE to me that he had never behaved with anyone else the way he did with me.  Well just like you I got validation!  The thread is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=274971.0   Anyway, I wish I could get all his exes together in a room because I know there would be a recurrent theme.  Yes it is closure and validation and now you all know for SURE the truth and truth is POWER!  Now he can never hurt any of you again!  My ex doesn't usually come back to me on his own.  It was always because I would sweet talk and beg him back.  Now he has nothing but nasty things to say to me and Im ok with that.  I don't ever want him back, especially after talking to the ex wife's sister.  What I can't understand is why he still has my pictures all over FB.  We aren't friends but Im still tagged so I can see them.  He told me months ago that he deleted all my pics etc.  Im not sure he is smart enough to know that I can still see those pics.  He probably thinks since he deleted me as a friend that I can't see them.  So, Im worried if he thinks he has now lost me for good the stalking will begin.  He has threatened to do so before.  This is the only reason I don't have him blocked.  I figure if he does come back I can keep him at bay with short texts.  I fear if I completely ignore him he might lose it... .sucky feeling.  But Im getting stronger every day and from the sound of your posts so are you!  This was a great and empowering thread!  Thank you!   :)

|iiii    BRAVO!   I applaud you!   

Sirensong,

I don't know your story intimately but I can understand that hurt and anger you felt. I've felt it myself and at times so intensely that I wanted the world to the know what I felt to be the truth about my ex.

But and it's a pretty big but, how would you feel is someone used the intimate details of your relationship to humiliate and make fun you in front of an audience of strangers?

How would you feel if an angry ex contacted all of your ex partners to discuss your past relationships with them so that they could humiliate you?

I accept that your ex behaved very poorly, but exposing a disordered person and humiliating them in front of an audience and with their exes seems incredibly punitive, cruel and unhealthy.

Good luck with your healing

Reforming

I like what you AND sandman had to say. It kind of the same thing but stated differently.

Anyone creating that much drama usually has some work to do. No?

Thanks Infared.

I know how deep the hurt goes and I can completely relate to Sireonsong's desire for justice. I've had revenge fantasies moments, but I realise that what they really show is the vulnerable part of me is feeling very small and exposed. The answer isn't punishing someone else, it's meeting my own needs by giving myself love and reassurance, self soothing in other words. Something that BPDs are completely incapable of doing

Reforming

I can't imagine how critical we all would be if our ex did such a thing.

Murray Bowen (Family Systems Theory) postulated that people select partners who have the same level of emotional maturity.

I remind myself of this every time I think my partner has issues. I gravitated, like everyone, to someone with this maturity level. I can rationalize it all I want - but if she kick my dog - month 1 or month 48 - she would have been history.  She kicked me - I stayed.  

My question to you, sirensong65, is whether your story is true.  Fantasizing these things is one thing.  Exaggerating is one thing. Doing it - that's very different.

We're an anonymous board - we can all drop the pretense and posturing we do in real life and we can more honest here than anywhere.

:check: What part of this story is true?

That is awesome! Congrats for being able to turn the tables and being able to move on. It looks good in theory but won;t work in my circumstance:

My uBPDex GF also talked about the ex BFs.  Every single one was evil in their own way. The more she drank, the more the stories and accounts turned darker.  But it didn't matter in the end, because I was "The One". "A rose among thorns" she would shyly intone to me.

Funny that two of her ex BFs contacted me after several months of our relationship; I had never met them.  Both proceeded to relate full details of my GF and her promiscuous activities (graphic, of course) when I was not there with her (we lived a bit of distance apart).  Soul and self-esteem crushing.  Everything she said to me was a flat out lie.  and then, she got pregnant by another guy, a one night stand type thing, someone she claimed she would never be interested in other than friendship.

i wish my ex would suffer, but she can't.  She doesn't have to. She is sexy, charming, and fully in control all of the time, doing and acting out however she must, to ensure things go HER way.  There is no chance that all of her ex BFs can get together and tell / share stories and nightmares.  Nope.  They are all circling in her orbit, awaiting her contact, and begging at the chance to lie in her bed. They'll talk trash about her, as she does them to her next faux BF, but given a chance to be with her again, all is ignored.

Skip, my BPD ex acted like a 10-year-old during her abandonment (I can;t even call it a break-up... . I was not included).  I can assure you... . it was VERY hard work for me... . but I decided that I really loved her and I conducted myself like an adult.  Truly.   I didn't do any mirroring of her insanity... . so I don't think in my case it was equal emotional levels.  ... . I guess every case it different... . but I DO applaud you for put the question to SirenSong. ... .

 

Hey Infared,  I certainly don't know the dynamics of your relationship  - but I can say that early on, I said the same as you. Hey, I was clam, steady, responsible - I was her rock.  I was the rock for the kids. I was certainly mature in these categories - and she wasn't (she was responsible - to be fair).  My emotional immaturity manifested very differently  - in how I viewed her, myself, my emotions, and the relationship.  It took me a long time to see it.  It was there. Neater.  More publicly acceptable.  But there.

One aspect of emotional immaturity is unrealistic expectations.

Hold on to the seed of this thought. If you ponder it from time to time - you may see it - or maybe not - or maybe its not there.  It's a stone worth turning over to see whats underneath.

Leave no stone unturned ~ Euripides

I totally understand the anger.  At one time, when I suspected cheating, I told myself that if I got evidence of it that I would start a website with her name attached and present evidence.  And manipulate google results so it was the first hit.  It was just a flash of a thought though.

Getting together to confirm your suspicions is one thing, but making a comedy act of it would be a bridge too far for me.  It would also keep me stuck and thinking of them too much.  Also, my girlfriend seems mild compared to yours and she is in pain.  I don't want to increase it.  I was verbally venomous towards her for a few days post break up, and I still regret it.  I sometimes regret publicly discussing this even with anonymity intact.  I feel guilty when I tell intimate things about her, even though no one knows whom I am referring to but me here.

I love this... . what a great quote as mine simply disappeared and erased me from her life (right after she moved in and we bought wedding rings). I was notified of 'our breakup' via text with not so much as a argument or misunderstanding that preceded it; her behavior post break up was pain for the sake of pain.

I would have preferred a bullet to the head instead!

Hence, SirenSong, I applaud what you have done to cope with your situation.

How anyone could think that it was inappropriate or makes you a bad person I will never know. Mine has had some bad things happen in her life; she DESERVES them all and everything else bad that has not happened yet. Similarly, I am sure that your lampooning is the least of what yours has earned. ... . that goes for the rest of these monsters. ... . that goes for the rest of these monsters.

They deserve ZERO sympathy and respect.

I absolutely love what you did Siren!

We need to remind people on this board that Personality Disorder is NOT genetic, they were not born with Bpd, they actually grew up and decided not to be proper beings but Aholes. Alot of us here also had bad childhood or growing up environment, but we made a choice to be a care giver, a decent beings... . or others made a choice to be a drug addict.

Remember folks, though idealization and affections from the beginning are illusions your exBPD created to form rapid attachment to you, just to later make you obey to whatever they demanded. They cheated, stole, lied, abused... . because they had made a choice to be Aholes... . not an angel stuck in a disease called BPD!

Be angry and claim your right folks!

I wanted to interject a fact check... . some of these things get lost in the volume of material we have here.

The National Institute of Mental Health's view on the cause of BPD

(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/images/mb/nature_nature.gif)

Here is a link to some additional information on this:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17988414

Most BPDs had a much worse childhood than my own.

Most were abandoned and abused to a great degree, to a degree where it impacted their developing brain/psyche and it was set after that to a large degree.

For instance, I don't think my ex wanted to lie.  It was a survival skill and to her that was as natural as a hungry person stealing an apple off a neighbor's tree... . nearly free of serious moral concerns due to the depth of the need.

Thanks, mods.  Thread was getting a bit inflammatory.  Good to remember we are all on the same team here.   |iiii


I think Skip is on to something.  Why are we excused for behaving in this manner?  We don't have BPD.  We have fully developed selves and we are quite capable of fully understanding the emotional implication of our actions on others.  Our eyes are fully open.  The argument that I hear being made is that pwBPD deserve this sort of treatment, because they willingly hurt us.  Well, isn't that exactly what we are doing when we seek some sort of vengeance against them like this?  What, really, is the difference?  Why is it wrong for them, and right for us?

I think we should remember that we are dealing with a seriously mentally ill person who is behaving the way that they are BECAUSE THEY ARE IN SEVERE PAIN.  They are not doing it to ruin our life, even if it can FEEL like that.  And I know it can.  I can appreciate, and I even share, the anger and hurt that we are all feeling here.  But, we should be able to maintain some perspective, and I would hope some compassion for people who are very sick.  People who never had a chance to be normal.  Not one single pwBPD chose to have their disorder and I am certain every single one of them would choose to be cured today if that was possible.

Wow, you leave for a few days and come back to a comment on a thread now being the title of the thread and a discussion in itself.

First off, I haven't read all the posts, just skimmed but someone asked me to "get real" and say if I was fantasizing or telling the truth.

Not sure why I would feel the need to come here and lie, what would be the point really?  Secondly, I am now personal friends with two people who post of this board (we are Facebook friends) and they know what I say is true as my comedy dates are posted and discussed along with announcements of where I will be performing next, so no, it is ALL TRUE (If either of you are reading this, feel free to jump in and clarify).

But I want to clear up a few things.  The set about my ex and the experience is NOT the only act I do, but is a very popular set that people seem to relate to a lot. I do sets of online dating, homebased business craze, women and the change, raising kids, my childhood, etc. Secondly, no names or pictures or anything else that would "OUT" him are used.  Though some friends are fans that attend the shows as well as the Ghosts of Girlfriends Past who also attend and of course know him and the story intimately.  But I can assure you if he ever stumbled in on a night I was performing, he certainly would know I am not talking about the milkman!

I suffered from depression for over a year after this man. I tried therapy, I tried being gentle with myself, I couldn't seem to feel better and move on.  I am very Type A and felt very out of control over this situation.  It was something that I couldn't fix and it killed me.

I was diagnosed with cancer at 23 and given 6 weeks to live.  I was in and out of a hospital for a year but beat the odds and knock on wood get to celebrate my 50th birthday this year.  In that situation, I also used comedy and making people laugh to off set the very awful darkness that surrounded me and those I loved and those that cared for me while I was in the hospital.  I was the wise cracking patient that made everybody laugh, and in turn, it made me feel better and took my mind off the very SERIOUS situation.  THIS EXPERIENCE IS ALSO A SET.

I had the idea to approach this situation the same way.  Started writing about it in a funny, poking fun, Joan Rivers sort of way.  And it made me feel better to make it humorous and make others laugh about it as well.  It hasn't made me stuck, IT FREED ME.

This person is an emotional predator.  His "performance" is well honed, includes props, ability to cry on command, and the lines are well rehearsed when you compare notes and find he even talked to us all the same in bed.  Wrote the same touching words, word for word in all our greeting cards that brought us to tears thinking, this man is my soul mate."  He has had heart surgery (that Girlfriend #2 not only cared for him through but also supported him after when he asked to quit his job and go back to school online and get his degree (she paid for that too, only for him to move out while she was at work, no note, nothing).  And this same piece of human garbage told me with tears in his eyes that he KNEW I was the one cause I survived cancer, we shared knowing what it means to be terminally ill... .HE USED MY CANCER SURVIVAL AS A BONDING TECHNIQUE.

He is an animal.  I have ZERO compassion.  He is sought by his home state for misuse of unemployment funds to the tune of 15K and they and other bill collectors still send notices and legal letters to my home.  If I was immature and vengeful I could lead them right to his place of employment.  I can't be bothered, his $hit show will catch up to him without my help. 

So, I am sorry if the way I have chosen to heal offends anyone or causes you to judge my emotional intelligence.  But I feel zero remorse or embarrassment for the way I handled it.  If I could do it over, I would have done the comedy writing sooner to get back the 18 months of drinking and depression I suffered.  I am now back on track at my job, and have a second career to boot.  I don't date, I am starting to write a book on the experience and I finally FINALLY feel free and recognizing the way back home from this exhausting and sad journey.

More importantly, you will never see me or any of the Exes on this board, asking for strength and encouragement NOT to recycle.  His spell is broken, his bridge to no where was set of fire.  And THAT my friends, is worth the cost of admission!

Oh... .I see what you are saying... . hmmmm... . I may resemble that... . hmmmm... .

I think that acting like them perpetuates negativity and drama... . I prefer to rise to a higher level, recognize the sickness and move away from it. I do not want to punish, or get even... . although I would not hesitate to protect myself in certain situations, no doubt... .

Is this true? You actually became a bivalve mollusk in your BPD r/s? Because, as you also said, "Fantasizing these things is one thing. Exaggerating is one thing. Doing it - that's very different."

On a more serious note, GOOD FOR YOU SIRENSONG!

Here's to spells being broken (even the ones we cast ourselves).

 lol

Humor can definitely be an outlet for dealing with the emotional pain we've experienced in our lives.  

I do think there is also validity in ways of righting wrongs to those we feel have done us harm. I mean, to be a little dramatic in comparison --- you can see the Cosby accusers coming forward to let their stories be known.  

Survival of bad things can absolutely involve vindication.

But here's the thing that I may be missing. We have value systems and we have ways that we lead our lives. If you flipped the role and told me that he was posting on Facebook pictures of himself and all your exes and shared that you were the butt of his jokes, I would align all of that with someone who is not struggling well with emotional pain. I think that's the point that gets lost. We can't justify our own bad behavior based on someone else's. No matter how great our hurt may be. Humiliating another human being in order to feel better about ourselves or deal with depression is a coping skill --- I just don't know that it's healthy and will yield the outcome that we want. We want to grow from these experiences, not fall victim to them.

An honest observation (not judgment) that others may see is that if you exhibit this kind of behavior, they may question the way you would be allowed in their life. How you treat others, even exes, is a reflection of how you handle relationships. People who devalue and degrade others isn't always acceptable behavior to the level of maturity that we want in our life, you might find that the level of relationship and who is willing to allow you in their life isn't what you really want.  

People cause us pain. It's just a part of life. Demoralizing them to help compensate for our suffering is not a sign of strength... . but just of spreading more pain.


This would be really hard to hear.  

I've been hurt in a very similar way - reading a letter that my husband's former mistress addressed to me. So I could feel and understand her pain. It shattered me to the point that I think I lost my ability to breathe. I also had a lot of vengeful thoughts myself. My follow through was lacking, not because I was not brave, but because I just felt like enough pain had been endured. Her suffering was not going to fill that part of me that needed to be filled.

I also don't get the sense that you are mean spirited. I get the sense that you've been through a whole lot and you want to survive this relationship and perhaps one day start again? I think that often starts with dissecting what got us into the bad relationship to begin with. Burning a bridge to reconciliation makes sense to you. I get that. It's also hard admitting sometimes the mounds and mounds of garbage we allow ourselves to be submersed in. It's not just about them and their behavior. It's also why we assess our own actions. Your bridge burning doesn't exactly reflect higher levels of coping. It's not a judgment, just a statement. I once changed my ringtone to Darth Vader themed music for the pwBPD in my life. It's just how I was able to cope at the time. And I needed it, but I also recognized it for what it was.  

Why aren't you dating yet?

I like dreamgirl's reply here.

Also, try this on for a thought experiment.  Reverse all genders in the circumstance and take your pulse on it.

A male here did/was doing the same exact thing to a female ex with BPD.

Would it be seen in the same light?  That is a useful exercise, I think.  I'm a guy, and I think I would see it differently.  Which is instructive to me.

I thought about this some more Skip... .and I  can admit... .I am not perfect... .but I did not:

1. Lie (she lied to everyone, me, my replacement, her parents, her therapist... .on & on & on.).

2. I was not mean, vindictive or cruel

3. I did not rewrite history

4. I did not mount a smear campaign

5. I did not deceive and cheat

6. I did not abandon her or our relationship to run off with someone that I was cheating with outside of our committed relationship.

I am definitely "more" balanced and mature than she was.

I feel I am damaged from investing my time, love, trust and energy into (at the very least) a mentally ill person. She was an expert at hiding that and deceiving and manipulating. This all slowly unfolded during the relationship.  I feel that I was trusting, faithful and honest. She was not, but certainly "portrayed" that she was.

I feel as though I got stuck in an emotional tornado, was spit out, spit on, laughed at... . and THEN ... . approached by her like none of that ever happened and oh... . "lets talk about the weather!"?  Skip... . I do not act that way. I am thinking that perhaps your experience was a lot different than mine.

I am not taking that craziness on. (I am also not a clam, LOL! ), I was a victim of an mentally disordered person. I am not perfect, no one is... . but I am visiting a BPD site. I do not have that disorder, but I may have PTSD from being assoc. with someone who does.

It took me a while to even understand what had happened.

I certainly don't need to publicly draw & quarter my ex like siren song needs to. I also have some personal dignity. That is not something I would be "proud" of. I have to agree with others here (Raisins for one),who have stated if you reversed the genders in Sirensong's "tale",  I bet the posts would be VERY different on this thread. VERY different. It just would not fly and I think we should all take a look at that.

Skip, your thought on the different types of immaturity is very valid. I actually think that many of us that end in relationships with PDs, myself included, are or were emotionally immature in different ways.

One example that strikes me about myself is magical thinking - believing that I could change my ex into the nice person that I wanted her to be

Another is not recognising that actions are what really count - not words. I'm sure if I kept going a could a write a long list.

I don't see these a fatal character flaws, but they were an accurate reflection of my own emotional immaturity.

Sirensong as I said in my earlier post I think I can understand your pain and hurt. During the initial year I felt very angry and I fantasised about vengeance. I did some things that were unhealthy and immature, but as the fog has cleared and I've worked on myself I feel less and less of a need for vindication. My ex is a very damaged person who is filled with fear and shame. She hurt me badly, but she was much more badly hurt herself when she was a vulnerable child who deserved better

What will damaging her more accomplish? How will it heal me?

A couple of other quick thoughts

I assume you've come across the multiple references and discussions on this site about the Karpman Drama Triangle. Where would your behaviour fit on the triangle?

Many members frequently reference the poster 2010 as one of the most insightful members and I'd agree. I don't know if you've read his posts, but one of the things that struck me most when I first read his words was the way he frequently challenged NONs to look at their own behaviour and judge it with the same - often very harsh - criteria they used to judge their exes.

Unhealthy or abusive behaviour is unhealthy or abusive no matter who does it

Reforming

Insightful post!

I especially like:

"What will damaging her more accomplish? How will it heal me?"

I agree.

Just because she has a personality disorder which causes her the need to damage me... .

What good is going to come (for myself and my healing), of me attacking her.?

I just cannot validate that behavior... . I have worked pretty hard on my anger stuff with a T though. We are all in different stages of the grieving process, too. I guess.

Thanks Infared,

It's really hard not to take their behaviour very personally when you loved them and believed they loved you back. Accepting that it wasn't personal also means accepting that they didn't love you in the way that you believed. That's hard too because it feels like something that made you feel very special wasn't real... .

I completely agree that resisting the urge for vengeance doesn't mean that you're excusing or validating the their cruel and abusive behaviour, what they did was wrong.

But responding in kind doesn't help you detach and or get any healthier.

When you begin to understand that nature of the disorder you realise that by persecuting someone with a persecution complex you're not just vindicating their deepest fears that nobody can be trusted, you're becoming guilty of the very behaviour that injured you

I found working through the anger and the grief very hard, but I've found accepting and working on my weaknesses even harder.

I also agree with Dreamgirl's comment about the importance of vindication. We all want to be heard and understood - especially when we've gone through a traumatic experience. I that's where a good T comes in

Reforming

I appreciate everyones feedback. Though, I am a bit miffed that a response I made to someone elses thread suddenly became a thread where everyone felt obliged to dissect my way of handling my painful experience.

Dreamgirl, I don't date and don't plan to because I lost all desire to allow someone in my life on that level ever again.  He was the first person I had ever let in to that depth, lesson learned.  I am focused and climbing back out of the hole.  I gained weight, I stopped working out, I looked forward to going to bed and not much else.  This is SO not my personality.  That in itself was depressing.

No, I am usually not mean spirited.  I have always been a patient, loving, affectionate person.  But I feel that was what attracted him to me in the first place. 

If my mean spirited comedy material pushes people away, so be it.  My love and kindness is shown to those closest to me who support my shows and know who I am.  Like an actor, my time on the stage performing is an alter ego of sorts, a way to release the intense anger and hurt this person caused me. 

Again, I don't feel the need to get anyones blessing on what I have done to handle my feelings.  Feel free to play armchair therapist on my lack of emotional growth and behavior.  I merely replied to a posters comment asking why do they always come back.  And that was to say, "they don't always come back, I ensured mine wouldn't circle the wagons on me or the girls that came before or during his time with me."  That's all... . one persons story.  Agree or disagree, doesn't change the outcome.

When half the people in a virtual "room" full of seemingly intelligent people disagree with me, it often makes me reflect upon things a bit.  


And no one thinks they need to give their blessing.  But if you state something in a public way, regardless of whether or not it was a reply or new topic, then other people will respond.  It is like someone stating "I have a right to express my opinion!" when you simply disagree with them and all you need to reply is "And then I would have a right to express my opinion of your opinion!"  If everyone had patted you on the back, then how would that have positively influenced your resolve?  If it would strengthen it, then why does the converse have no impact?

One of the things we do here is challenge each other.  It's part of the healing and growth process.

Some members invested a lot of time on this thread - not to criticize - not to grind an ax. Rather to be a conscience - a mirror - to help with perspective and self awareness - something third parties are good at. Often we share things that we learned in time and via the process ourselves.

It's not criticism (well, most of the time   ).

We're anonymous here.  The greatest benefit of that is that we can all set our defenses and egos aside - something that is harder in real life.

Are you ok to be involved in the process?  :)o you want to this type of help?

P.S. This was split out as it own thread and it evolved into a thread with a thread where there were a series of posts addressing your issue, not the original posters issue.

Sirensong,

Nobody has actually stood in your shoes and can fully understand your experience, but I don't doubt that is was enormously painful. I know how hard it is to try and pick up the pieces after being in one of this type relationship.

I also understand how the experience can totally shut you down to the idea of dating.

I've felt like that a lot over the last couple of years, but with time and effort that's gradually beginning to change. I really hope it does for you too because you deserve better.

This community has been a god send for me. It's hotly supported and educated me, it's helped me to be accountable to the better part of me. I could so easily have lost sight of that without this site

Good luck

Reforming

I just find it interesting how interested everyone is in how I handled it.

I felt there was something "not right" about the way he did me, and the fact that he devalued all his exes. Nor was he able to remain cordial with anyone he had dated.

So, I went with my gut and reached out to them.  MY doing so answered a lot of questions for them and what I had pieced together in research helped them move forward without feeling they somehow did something to deserve the treatment he gave them.  Was the face book picture announcing that we all convened a little bit cruel?  Maybe. 

Was I always this mean spirited.  No, I took the break up hard, I cried, I became depressed.  He knew I was crushed.  How did he respond?  By taking the replacement on a vacation to the place I had taken him and made so many cherished memories.  And added touch was to pose her and with her at the exact same places, in the exact same way.  How do I know, people told me it was all over the internet as a message to me it seems.  Sweet, it was Christmas and I was drinking to the extent that my friends did an intervention, as I was a three MAYBE four times a year I have a drink, girl.

Yes, it was awful.  I never shared my childhood of domestic violence with anyone.  I had never felt SO safe to share my story and let the walls down that I had built for years and years.  It felt like being raped by your father.  Having the one person you trust betray you SO much and then laugh at your pain and say, "some relationships don't work out, get over it... . ". 

I have never been through something so soul crushing in my life.  I have lost a part of me that I am not sure I can recover.  The comedy was actually something my therapist was in favor of, it helped me turn a corner.  I felt some sort of control of a situation that broke me and no matter what I have tried (sans medication) I haven't been able to return to the happy, loving person I was once.  But, I am able to get out of bed everyday.  I look forward to the performances, I feel purged. 

So, again, I have gotten through it my way.  Some people bury it, some people come here and dissect what happened.  Some people stalk, some people commit crimes of vengence.  I simply shared what I have done. 

THIS is my process, Skip.  I am processing it... . in my own way.  Just as I processed childhood stuff... .

Hey SirenSong,

I understand you are feeling very attacked right now.  I probably would be feeling the exact same to have everyone criticizing me.  I'm sorry that you are feeling like people here aren't supporting you.  I think it is very important to remember that we are all terribly hurting here and we are all on the same team. Despite our differences, we are all here to heal and support each other.

Everyone should indeed feel free to express themselves here, and I hope that everyone does.  This should be a nonjudgmental forum, and the mods do work to try and ensure this, and redirect situations where it is occurring.  There is a difference between expressing and acting, however.  Saying that I FEEL like getting revenge on my ex is much different than actually getting revenge on my ex.  Our feelings aren't wrong.  They are the way we feel.  We are horribly hurt, we are angry, and we want some sort of justice.  There is nothing wrong with that, and we have all probably felt that way at one point in our healing.  We have been grievously hurt and most of us have been seriously wronged too.

I don't think you are some sort of terrible person, SirenSong.  I think you are a very, very hurt person.  I don't agree with seeking revenge, however, and I don't think it's wrong to say that this isn't an appropriate way to be dealing with our anger.  Let's reflect on this.  If it is acceptable to take revenge on someone because they have grievously hurt us, then why are we able to be upset with our exes?  Afterall, they are lashing out at us and ignoring us and smearing us because they feel that we have so terribly hurt them.  That pain to them is very, very real even if it is pain that is a result of their own disordered thinking.  But they can't see that.  We must remember that these are very sick people.  They have an incurable condition that has a profound effect on their entire lives.  They don't have the option of putting BPD behind them like we do.  They have to deal with it.  Every minute of every day of their lives.

I hope that you keep posting here, SirenSong.  We are trying to point out the error in the behavior of seeking vengeance NOT in you yourself.  We know that you are deeply, deeply hurt.  You have been terribly wronged.  And it is completely natural to feel extremely angry about that injustice.  It is completely natural to need to express it.  And everyone here is ready to support each other in that.

That was your process - last week, last month, whenever it happened.

My question is about the process here, today, tomorrow.  Are you willing to open it up and have others peak in, assess, make suggestions, give you things to think about?

It's hard to hear sometimes.  I remember, when I was passing through the classroom here being told by a moderator to step it up. It stung a little. She wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear.  She was right.

I milled it over.  I stepped it up.  It helped.

Are you ok to be involved in the process?  :)o you want to this type of help?

It's ok to say no.  *)  Sometimes we aren't ready.

Hello sirensong, I have followed this thread with interest and even more so when out of the blue it "turned"... . if you want my blessing, here it is.

I can find no "fault" in your actions or responses. It seems too many people here have lost their sense of humour when dealing with such serious stuff. I know what comedy is. It is most often someone's "take" on real life, presented as truth, from a perspective that is ultimately shared... . and enjoyed.

Making light of life is one of the main ways to cope and endure and SUCCEED in this world. Remembering that no one gets out alive. It is often referred to as gallows humour. Making light or jokes about the most serious subjects that one must confront is a proven method of surviving and enduring but most importantly evolving.

Some of the posters that have responded here VERY valid points, others have valid points to their own predicament or suffering, and still others have more general observations.

I don't feel what you are "performing" is vengeance. It is more like rebalancing. Making something positive out of something negative. There is nothing else to be gained.

Ultimately there is nothing right about what your disordered ex did and nothing wrong with what you are doing. For sure it's a little unconventional. It is your path. You know it. You go girl.

I don't look at it as taking revenge. I see it as exposing the truth.  He has gotten away from this for years, I found five women he has severely damaged.  And those are just the long term ones that he jarred on and on about.  Who knows how many others are out there and STILL think they did something.

I didn't do anything to hurt them.  He said I didn't do anything wrong.  That he should have warned me that he can't feel deeply for anyone and gets "bored" easily.  Really?  You think you should have shared that with me?  When?  When you moved in?  When my kids got attached?  When you asked me to marry you?  When we were designing wedding bands and behind the scenes you were STILL active on the online dating sites?  When you broke off the wedding two days prior?  When I stood by you after that cause you cried "I'm depressed... .I have a history of depression, I should have told you.  I don't want to marry feeling sad like this... .".  Or should you have told me when you recycled me and I took you back even after you were diagnosed with Bi Polar and I offered to go to therapy with you and support you because I loved you unconditionally... .yet at this point you were STILL dating and sleeping with random women behind my back... .  Seems to me there were PLENTY of times to tell me you can't FEEL and this was all a freaking play you act out with EVERYONE.

Am I hurt?  Am I angry?  You damn right I am.  He has taken me away FROM ME.  I was ready to commit suicide Christmas 2013.  The guilt I still carry that I was ready to end it and destroy my kids because the pain for me was too much is something I can't put into words.

I don't date because I don't trust my judgement anymore.  And I can't even "try it" without breaking into hives and having panic attacks.  I have NEVER had panic attacks, who the hell  am I.  I look the same but the person, the soul on the inside is dead.

I make a joke about it in my act... .  "Friends try to fix me up but I tell them, save your friends, don't set them up with me... . (I circle my chest with my finger) see, I'm dead inside... . nothin to see here, folks."  I make a joke out of it but it is TRUE.  

I am doing what I have to do to survive.  I have found a technique that works for me.  Just typing about this $%&^# has made me cry hysterically, something that I don't do anymore.  So, you guys can carry on here but I am done with the thread.  That's the story. Nothing more to say about it.  I have to  leave this conversation/

It's all part of the grieving process, sirensong65


Is it "working for you", or are you working for it; a reason to stay attached to the pain of blame?  Rounding up others to validate each other in it.  Keeping each other stuck.



When emotions become too overwhelming, it's pretty common to shut down. 

It takes a lot of guts to face ourselves

OK.  We can end it here.  :)

I might suggest that - for anyone not wanting to hear the opinions of others - that you simply note at the top of your post that you are just saying your piece, you are not yet ready for anyone to challenge or reflect back what you are saying.

These are difficult recoveries. The time will come.