BPDFamily.com

I broke N/C mildly by looking at my ex's pinterest account which she pins to daily.

Right after our b/u and to this day, she is still posting things related to cruelty and also holding someone's past against them.

This bothers me.  I was cruel to her at our b/u.  I have admitted that to her and to all of you and to myself.  I've asked for forgiveness and stated that I regretted doing this. I was cruel because I took information about her past and our relationship and I wrote very pointed, sarcastic things about her to her.  And when I am mad, I'm a little too good at that.

It bothers me that she is still thinking of me and negatively and that she is posting these things publicly and nonanonmously on a regular basis.  And I don't wanna be too solipsistic here, but I'm pretty sure they are about me.

It also bothers me that she still does not seem to realize that she was very cruel to me in her devaluation, silent treatment, and continual lies and crazy making that stretched off and on over months.  I recognize my cruelty and admit to it.  But maybe there just isn't a pinterest meme where you admit your own faults.

Also, the reason I held her past against her is because she lied to me about it when I asked her direct and purposeful questions related to fidelity to past partner.  She also lied about past STD diagnoses.  And everything about her past dating life and life in general was murkily presented with so many small lies and lies of omission that she basically made me feel crazy and that I could not know her at all really.  So, it was more her lies about her past, but also if someone cheats repeatedly in the past and then lies about it then I won't trust them.  Their past matters in some regards.  I just can't take someone's word on all things as far as what their future behavior shall be!

So, I'm just bummed.  I'm still painted black I suppose.  I don't want to be with her, but I also hate that she is still so focused on these things.  And she has globbed it onto my identity.  Instead of putting all of my actions into perspective and seeing that I acted cruelly at that time, it seems that now I am just a cruel person to her in general.

Anyways, I suppose just looking for support or any perspective or just need to vent.

Thanks for reading.

Another thread helped me realize part of my problem here.

I want my apology to have been accepted and to have meant something.  I want to be forgiven as it will help me to move on and forgive myself.  But it isn't necessary, really, just a help.

Instead, after doing a specific thing for a short period of time and then apologizing PROFUSELY (sent 2 emails, a letter, a piece of handmade pottery, and flowers... . which was probably only seen as an attempt to get back together but was not)... . almost 6 months later she is still posting little memes about it.  Maybe it is to remind herself not to be cruel to others, but I have a hard time believing that.

But in the grand scheme, it is only pinterest memes on her page that I do NOT need to visit.  So it is small potatoes.  She isn't emailing me nasty reminders or anything.  So, I need to put this in perspective I think.  It just got me down, and yet another reason to try to remain very strict NC.

"I want my apology to have been accepted and to have meant something.  I want to be forgiven as it will help me to move on and forgive myself."

raisins,

You made a sincere apology brother; that is all that you can do. It is up to the other person to extend forgiveness. Being able to forgive someone is a strong indicator of emotional maturity/stability. As you know, that's not a characteristic of a pwBPD. Holding onto your transgressions against her allows her to legitimize her behaviors towards you (She gets to be the victim and shirk all responsibilities regarding her actions/behaviors. She is doing just the opposite of what you're attempting.). Also, if not sincerely forgiven, those transgressions are always readily available to her in her war chest to be used at a later time. At the end of the day, they are emotionally children and behave accordingly.