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indeed. And at the same time the stakes are so high so failure is often not an option. 

I've often felt that way and the situation seemed hopeless. I started getting big improvements

once I started focusing on energy and failure. Protecting my energy, helping her to have

energy and taking the energy out of the fighting. With failure thinking hard about what matters

and acknowledging that there was a lot of failure and it was piling up more through an unending

string of lost battles.


So... .

... . how do you protect your energy?

... . how do you take the energy out of a battle?

... . how do you help your pwBPD to maintain healthy energy levels?

... . how do you choose your battles. What battles are you ceding?

Hi an0ught. I like this topic - good questions.

... . how do you protect your energy? I halt conversations when they move to the question "why"? Being baited into JADE sucks the life out of me. That is one of the biggest resources for protecting my energy. I also am becoming pretty good at ignoring statements from uBPDw that begin with "You always ... . " or "You never ... . " BPD absolutes also drain me emotionally, so now I just try to ignore these things as part of my wife's illness and not so part of who she is.

... . how do you take the energy out of a battle? Mostly by stepping away from the battle with my personal boundaries. If the discourse is no longer civil, I will not be a part of it. Huge aha moment for me when I realized that I wasn't failing anybody by sticking to that. That said, I am not sure I am getting many "battles" resolved.

... . how do you help your pwBPD to maintain healthy energy levels? Wow. Great question. I don't think I am doing much of anything to support my wife within her illness. Obviously I need some help here. I try to be as sympathetic as possible, but I am not great at being empathetic. When I get it right, it does help her, but it feels like a lot of work to me. Probably because I am not caring for myself when I attempt it.

... . how do you choose your battles? What battles are you ceding? Another great question. I choose battles when they cross my personal boundaries. Respectful, at least not unkind speech and also anything that minimizes or belittles our sons. Those two areas I am unwilling to cede. Pretty much all other battles I am ceding to some degree. I don't work as hard at getting time for myself (although I am starting to do better at this - less guilt, more determination). I need to grapple with financial battles, but I will admit that my heart isn't in it. I am pretty forthright when it comes to our survival needs being met, but discretionary spending is way out of balance and I am dreading having to address that with my wife.

Thanks for this topic ff and an0ught. Hope others chime in. I'd really like to hear some strategies for gaining more personal happiness and also financial boundaries.