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So I've been trying to take a more positive/neutral perspective on things as I have a nasty habit of giving numerous life events a negative implication and minimize the good stuff.

I thought of posting this in personal inventory but this has a little more to do with having left and primarily about DETACHING. Here goes... .

I remember the time I spent in L5 and L2. I was so tense and anxious. I should have heeded the lessons, tips and warnings. I am too selfish to have really committed to the staying advice as it required compassion and selflessness I'm not capable of.  I was, no-I AM too thick-skulled and stubborn to really letthe warnings on how things will likely go wrong sink in. I thought that if I do *this* thing or *that* then I could do it.

I lamented that the relationship couldn't be what I hoped and fretted about my perceived shortcomings being the reason. But having taken a step back and really reading the posts of others on this board I realized that those before me and those after me go through the same thing. Details might change but the big picture is the same and its all about dysfunction.

I'm happy to be at a point where I'm slowly detaching from what connections I had with the BPD in my life. I'm finally counting my blessings and am glad to no longer be either staying or undecided.

I'm glad its over, and I don't want to go back. Being dumped, walking away and resolving to NC was the right thing. She may have dumped me, but I was the one who closed the door that day. I was the one who made sure she had no route back into my life. I saw the opportunity  to get her away and keep it that way.

Today I took a deep breath and finally saw it all for what it was. The future is uncertain, but I'm closer to being at peace. Not anywhere near it, but closer at the least.

So to everyone in the leaving board... .

There will be pain, confusion and anger. But there's a good chance that this is the right way of things. This is will only make your life better. No more eggshells, guys.

To those who came before me... .

Thank you all. Even though I didn't listen then, at least the ideas were there. At least you gave me some perspective on the matter. You provided the tools. When it counted, they came in real handy.

Glad to be forever out of the staying board, and even more happy to be out of undecided.

Thank you L3.

Vataz, this is an impressive piece of self-awareness - you know why you were struck in limbo and you've come to understand that undecided is standing still - going either way is better than going no where.   

Know you are on a path.  Congrats!

Yes. Facing and accepting this goes a long way towards detaching/healing.

Their dysfunction and ours. Breaking free of as many bad patterns as possible.

Anything more specific you can share about what helped you turn the corner?

Time was a big factor.

I suppose there was a moment when I realized that when I stayed after the things that happened, I was trying to prove something to myself. I was playing her triangulation game because I'm just competitive but have poor self esteem hence trying to prove to myself I was worthy. Its a bit sick when you think about it. All the while I was attracted to the chaos.

Plus years of rejection and countless literature and whatnot taught me I have no right to expect loyalty from an intimate partner, because that's just how it works.

I still have a hard time with this because even though people say "I've never cheated" or "I stick by my partner" I either think that this person has earned it or the one talking is of little value themselves as in "where would you have gone anyway?" But who knows.

Point is, I have little trust in people and believe that even those who are "close" to me see me as expendable. In nature human life is expendable, so I get into these relationships because I don't see it playing out any other way. I just assume that this type of behavior is the norm.

Maybe it isn't so. Maybe I'm wrong and something and someone better is out there. But I always cycle back to whether I am worthy of this. I'm stuck and I might keep making the same mistakes if I don't get unstuck.