BPDFamily.com

Hey there.

I'm concerned about one thing lately. We knew that S7 had attachment issues (having moved 8 times in 7 years, in an out of foster care etc.). He's been living with his dad and me for 9 months now. Things are really getting better for him, as he's in play therapy and a concentration training programme at school. It goes slowly, but it goes the right direction :)

He had trouble keeping distance with strangers - after the first "hello" he would take them by the hand, want  to sit on their lap etc. We figured out a way to interfere with this behaviour. Anyway, a few days ago, SS was playing in the public park next to our garden (20mtrs away from the house) with some children from the block. When he came back he told me about that nice man hanging around there and that he played with him. We talked and talked and he was insisting he "KNOWS" this man after that one day he waved at him and SS waved back. He states that he trusts him, because that day he almost fell into the little river (it hardly covers your feet when you walk through) and the man held him and asked if he was OK. I told him again (after we already had a few talks about this) that it is not OK to talk to strange adults and playing with them is not even an option. There were other kids there, but he prefered to play with that man. Not only had he now clue what I was talking about, but he kept insisting on trusting this man and would even start crying. Since he moved in with us, his BPDm has presented him 4 (or 5?) different men she was in relationships with. This is all he knows - as soon as there is a strange man, they're trustable and body contact is normal then. We're in contact with his therapist and teacher and this kind of network has been pretty helpful so far. They want to pick this topic up in the group again and his T will work on this physical boundary issue again. In the meantime, BPDm has broken up with yet another man SS7 got attached to.

Do yo have any thoughts on this? Any experiences?

Im no pscologist but this to me sounds like your son is doing this because when his mum has a new boyfriend it makes her happy if he bonds with them. This seems to be deeply engrained and almost natural to him.

I dont know if its possible to discuss this with his mum but he needs to learn that only adults that are introduced to him are appropriate to interact with.

It must be a terrifying situation to be in.

I don't think talking to his mother would be a good idea - she always feels like we are attacking her. Plus, she doesn't see any problem in this behaviour of having no physical boundaries. In her opinion, he just likes to cuddle with whomever because he needs physical contact so much.

I thought about having SS7 stay in the garden when he's outdoors, but this would be like a punishment. There are hordes of kids of his age playing in the park. And he would not understand why, because he doesn't understand why interacting with strangers could be problematic at all. I told him that if there ever comes a situation with an adult talking to him again, to come home and tell me (or his dad or his grandmother) immediately so we can have an eye on the situation or talk to that certain person. His reaction was "and when you said hello to them, I am allowed to play with them again?". Just no... . :/

We had the "don't talk to strangers/ don't go with strangers" talk quite a few times since he's with us. It's right, it's terrifying. I'm searching for children's books about this topic right now and DH and I are going to a counselor to get information about abuse prevention and communicating such issues with SS7. It might sound silly and over the top, but we really need to get him to understand this or at least having him stick to this rule... . :/

Can you find a way to supervise him?  It sounds like having the freedom to just go and play is what everyone is doing, as it is so close.  But maybe there is a teen kid close by anyway who could big a big brother type to him so he can still go out but also be supervised?  Or, maybe he cannot learn to avoid the adults to play with, but can he learn "the buddy system?"  Like invent a way for him to be with a peer at all times?  Can you think of a creative way to "supervise" him maybe?