BPDFamily.com

I am really struggling to help my grownup daughter with BPD she blames me and her childhood for this, her brother and sister don't have any problems. Since her diagnosis, it has become much worse and she continues to binge drink and seems to wallow in self

Destruction, what ever I say seems to be wrong, I feel powerless to help. Has anyone else experienced these problems?

Hi again Flamenco,

Glad to see you back  

I think it is pretty safe to say that we have all been through, on some level, what you are experiencing with your daughter.

There is much research that concludes it is both a nurture and nature cause for BPD.  I think you will greatly benefit from reading this topic which includes some research result statistics :

Intro:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=40148 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=40148)

Be sure to read the "share your thoughts here" link in blue at the bottom of that page... .there are golden nuggets to deepen your understanding.

lbjnltx

Hi Flamenco,

I agree that you should utilize this site for information. There is so much to learn about BPD that it can be quite daunting, but information is power.

In answer to your question, I have gone through the exact same thing with my own BPD DD. She used to cut when she was younger ( now she is 31 ) she tried to OD 3 different times, and she is a binge drinker currently.  She went through a period of Bulemia and is now a binge eater, so she has gone from skeletal thin to being quite heavy.

I do not bring alchohol into the house, and since she has no income and suffers agoraphobia, she has no means to gain the alchohol, but when she can get her hands on a bottle of anything, she will drink herself into a stupor.

My daughter also blames me for her illness, but I had one of her therapists tell me one time that I am the target because I am the very person she trusts the most . I am the one constant that she knows will never leave her. He had me read a book entitled " I Hate you, Don't leave me " I now recommend that book to you.

Please stay strong and remember to take care of yourself. Your needs matter too.

Thank you to everyone who has replied to me, so helps to feel you are not srtuggling alone. I havent figuared out how to reply to each person yet still finding my way round the site

Hi Flamenco,

My son is 13 and has a BPD father. I noticed when S13 was young that he struggled emotionally more than other kids his age, and have put a lot of effort into understanding what leads to BPD so that I can hopefully help S13 avoid such a debilitating disorder.

Blaise Aguirre, MD is a leading researcher and physician who is doing long-term research on BPD, and in his book on BPD and adolescents, he writes that BPD is 60% genetic and 40% environment. Yesterday, I was reading a similar study about depression, that there is a genetic predisposition, and that certain things can occur in childhood to trigger depression. My son's psychiatrist talked about "epigenetics" and how if it wasn't the divorce, it would likely be something else to trigger his depression and anxiety.

From the article, "The participants who were shown to have limited gene function implied in both BDNF (brain-derived neurotrophic factor, a protein-coding gene) and serotonin transmission were extra-sensitive to the damaging effects of child abuse — whether the abuse was psychological, physical or sexual. In other words, this particular lack of gene activity mixed with an abusive history can result in an increased risk for suffering from depression."

S13's psychiatrist said that it takes time to produce the research that shows what many families know to be true. You may raise 4 kids who do not have the genetic predisposition toward BPD, and one who does. The parenting approach that works for 4 kids may not work for the 5th.

With my son, my approach is to focus on creating the most validating environment I can. This change has been the most critically important part of treatment for S13. I cannot change his genetic predisposition, and I cannot give him a nuclear family with a mentally stable father. I had to examine validation with a microscope, right down to the choice of words, right down to the level of authenticity and intention I use in my voice when using validation. Doing this required deep change. My T and my son's psychiatrist both talked about how uncomfortable change is, and how many roadblocks and obstacles exist psychologically when it comes to changing family dynamics and interaction patterns.

Take care of yourself -- it can be emotionally exhausting to do this work and you have to be healthy to support your daughter. Learn everything you can about validation and boundaries. The two have to be woven together and understood in relation to each other. "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" is an excellent book about how to validate like a pro.

One thing I learned from being married to someone with BPD -- he was determined to blame shift all of his problems on me. I figured at his age, his own actions and decisions probably counted for some of his hardships in life. It is harder to find this boundary when it's your child you are concerned about. At the end of the day, your D is responsible for herself, for her own healing, and for getting help. All you can do is create a validating environment for her, and have strong boundaries so that you D can learn how to deal with the consequences of her own behavior. It's an extraordinarily subtle nuance to be able to validate how someone feels, while having a different perspective entirely. It's the antithesis of black-and-white thinking. If you can offer this to your D, it will model for her what a healthy perspective is about.

When your D is unloading her perspective on you, blaming you for her life, validate how she feels -- she feels ruined, and distraught, and her life feels meaningless and hard. For her, it probably is. Just because you accept and acknowledge how she feels does not mean that you agree with her perspective. You can bear witness to her pain and know in your heart that you love her, and want her to feel better, and did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Right behind that validation, you want boundaries, because that protects you from the abuse. It all locks into place with practice.

This thread is an interesting read... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=40148