BPDFamily.com

Well I am coming up on the anniversary of his leaving me and I can't believe how much it is upsetting me. I am doing tons better but none the less I am sad and hurt and miss him. I am rolling through his birthday, an annual trade show and then finally the day he left and its all I can do to keep going. I wish my heart would restrict itself to pumping blood. Thats it's job and nothing more. I wish I had a way to not feel like this anymore.

I'm so sorry hope2727.  I'll cry with you.  I don't need a reason anymore for feeling messed up. I know how it is to make progress and then feel the rope slip from your fingers as you regress.  My ex's birthday is tomorrow... .I can't get away from it!  Her name is even the same as the month (april).  I just can't escape.  So I'm right there with you.  How long have you been apart?  N/C?

PS- you have a healthy heart... .able to feel love and pain.

Better to feel it now than keep it bottled up.

That way this time next year won't be as heavy, and so on.

What's been working to help you with letting go?

He left me the first week of May two years in a row. He came back the first time not the second. He replaced me the second time within days. He has run a smear campaign and made me out to be a terrible person. I have been NC for what seems like a long time but I can't remember the date exactly. The only thing that seems to help is time. No therapy, gym, friends nothing just stupid old time. I hope once these dates of trauma for me roll past I am able to move on in peace. I am considering moving away just to escape our memories. Its all just to sad.

So sorry... .again and again and again.  Just got finished crying to the beat of:  "I hate you, you lousy ****, I love you, God help me got out of this mess, and take it away."  I hate that song.  I know all too well how you feel.  I'll say it again,, I think if I didn't really love her, I'd be all set.  That's probably why she is ok. Well I don't know that she's ok, but I'm assuming she is, because one of us would have to give in by now.

You are depending on time... .but then again you are here too... .this forum is without a doubt extremely theraputic and comforting.  Back in '12 when I joined, I never would have believed in a million trillion years that everything that everyone talked about would happen to me. NEVER. I think when we listen to someone that is in pain here, we are hearing our own pains being reflected at us... .we are all suffering.

So when was the 2nd May? which year?  Were you guys married?  Shell out some more of the details.  <3

We were engaged. He left for the last time last May. He has been in and out of care since then but has his replacement well in place. His orbiters are well and truly surrounding him with their support. Meanwhile he has been on POF regularly until he noticed me there. Then he deleted his account. What a mess he is. HE left the first time the May before that. Then called 12 weeks later sad and sorry for what he had done. I should have left it at that. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. I miss him. Not the crazy parts but the joyous parts. Who wouldn't.

My oldest friend of 30+ years took me to the orchid show tonight then for steak. We sat and he listened to me try to close the emotional door on my ex. My friend's final conclusion... . "I wish you would meet someone healthy so you could realize that it doesn't have to be so hard. You deserve so much more than he could ever provide."  I know my friend is right but I still miss my ex. Its pathetic.


oh well. Thanks for listening.

My darling beloved wherever you are I toasted you tonight and wished  you peace and joy and friends as wonderful as mine. Good night love where ever you are. Dream of the beach and the waves and the sounds that soothe our souls. Sleep peacefully and know you are loved. 

Hope, I think the hardest thing for us is that we were left and it is like where do I go from here? When your engaged you make plans for the future in your mind. Now poof, where am I going?

Friends of mine also say, "you can find someone nicer, better for you, get out there." The three dates I have been on have felt empty and left me more alone than before.

My ex was not perfect and I have slammed him on these boards many times but I miss my best friend, lover, confidant, contractor (lol), etc... .

We shared many times together. I am moving this summer and I wish to box those up too so I can heal. Too painful where I am. There are triggers all around.

Hope, I wish you happiness. I know it will come. They can't be all there is... .

Thank you. I keep feeling that there just has to be something better. Something less hard. Something more reciprocal.