BPDFamily.com

Hi folks just want to encourage everyone on here still suffering .

The process is twice painful from a regular relationship . You know exactly what I mean !

Go through the process of grieving as much as you can endure, the best way to a healthier heart not broken ,( sure you will continue to have  thoughts here and there ), its normal !

After 8 months since B/U ,I realized that you can't make a blind horse see ... .

Therefore the only cure is to detach completely and the sun will shine again is NC when ready Period  and stick with it ... .LC is Nothing but reopening nearly healed wounds . Refrain from checking on them , they wont budge ... .

My experience is here to shed a light to suffering members , life has to go on , and you can't change them ever , They are who they are just like you , just wish you will never encounter an other BPD you have a seven sense now you can see red flags from the get go ... . Run away , I did 4 times so far the right one will come along ... .

Good luck to you all ... .

Nicely put guy4.  It's hard to imagine that things WILL get better that things WILL be okay eventually.  One of the statements I hear all too often is that "you will have thoughts here and there."  I don't want thoughts.  At least right now I don't, and it's hard to know that there will be so much time that needs to be passed and we just can't bleach them out of our minds forever.  I'm still loving her... .it's not imaginary, but on the other hand I have to banish her from my life.  I guess it's like sacrificing your own children.  So so so very hard.  Thank you for your post.

DyingLove, it will happen … as the thoughts finally seem to just wear out.  And, with exposure to a healthier reality, with a r/s or not, perspective makes it even clearer that something was seriously wrong and destined for failure.

Guy4… thank you for helping explain the process, and recovery is a process - it can’t ‘just happen.’  That’s what makes it so difficult to give advice or help around here - everyone’s at a different point in recovery, with the freshest unable to see through their tears…  And it takes all we’ve got ... .as if life in general doesn’t require the same!  

After slogging through it, I feel stronger and wiser, like I’ve earned a Degree in BPD (or life in general)!  Yes, it hurt, and sometimes I still feel the pain, but what’s emerged is stronger, a deep knowledge and understanding that it wasn’t me, and never to allow anyone to ever cause me to doubt myself to that level again(!).  Trust you - accept and respect your feelings - then meld again with life!

We lost our mates, or partner, and instinctively sought to find them, likely one of our deepest instincts ... . which forced us to do what other lifeforms do, accept the loss and move on from there.  Another nest, another mate ... . and the continuation of life.  What I’ve discovered is it’s not the big things, the thrills that sustain us - it’s the small stuff.  Recognize it, and you’ll again appreciate life, and, life will notice |iiii

AMEN!   

Guy I am glad no contact worked for you!  But when we elevate to some sort of religious status it may cause people that find a different method works for them feel ashamed of themselves and a member of the cult of no contact to be unable to empathize with that other person because we often end up splitting the idea of ourselves that was incontact as weak and worthless when really the version of ourselves that was in contact has nothing to be ashamed of.

I just want to give a warning about this. I've gotten involved with four cluster B females, so red flags aren't always enough. It's of course helpful and detrimental to recognize them, but plenty of us need to work on our codependent traits in the mean time so we don't brush red flags under the rug. I'm confident many of us ignored some major ones.

Going no contact is not a punishment, and definitely not a cult - it's a method to help someone stay emotionally safe, detach and heal.  It is useful for as long as it is useful - and not any longer than that.

Guy4caligirl

I wanna expand a little on what me bright side said. 

For myself and others what attracted me to womem with BPD was issues within myself and they served as a sort of catalyst to deal with those issues in a very painful roundabout way. 

Taking the steps to self reflection and analysis will uncover our own issues to be dealt with and some real healing. 

The thing about red flags is it is kind of nonsense if it becomes some sort of list.  When you actually read the lists they get rediculous. Pet owners was a funny one.  I saw on a red flag list.  The point is if we create internal checklist of what is "normal," to compare people to we will fail to see the people around us for who they are within the context of their own reality.  That list of normal va red flags becomes like an internal police man judging ourselves and the world around us and ultimately a way to hide ourself from ourself.

Doing the work of looking inward and discovering oneself can be one of working through the issues that lead to those sort of connections in the first place and being able to trully connect with someone on a deeper level.

I agree wholeheartedly!

I needed to go NC completely. Once I started therapy and took an honest accounting of how my BPD was disrupting my life and how I kept going back for more... .I saw the truth and just had to cut this person out of my life as it was always eventually bad for me.  NC is a tool. We can use it or not. Everyone's situation is different and we all have to make our own choices.

The NC is about you - its not about her.  Eight months out, its really important to realize this.


Is the new relationship recovery form the old one?  Be careful with this - this is how rebounds happen.  I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with being in a new relationship 7 months after a breakup - just don't look at it as recovery.  Recovery need to be in you.

Thank you Skip for your constant much appreciated advises .

Honestly , I am not with anyone I can't  , I am not ready yet to fall in love with anyone , I went through therapy , for most of the winter months ,

I concentrated on me , I feel happier to a certain extent but she still have a small studio in my heart but not the penthouse .

I do good as I stay out of her troubled life . And I constantly working on myself ... . I have a lot to look forward to ... .

Thanks !

I will say yield in life again ... .