BPDFamily.com

Hiya All . I hope you are all doing ok in your respective life journeys.You are all amazing,every last one of you

In two days time,i reach a personal milestone. 90 days NC. An idea i never thought of until i read it here. And let me tell you all,for those of you still underway in that journey,or even just about to begin it. It IS worth it,the struggle,the internal pain. Fighting through and reaching that goal will be the greatest decision you ever made

90 days ago. I was finally (and very publicly)replaced by my BPDex partner,right in the middle of a reconcilliation/recycle. The fact that i had once more let down my guard,learned to trust her (hell even love her again)only for her to pull the rug it from underneath me once more literally broke me. I was so far down that I was on the verge of ending my life, part of me must have wanted survival ,as rather than keep myself in a situation where i was a risk to myself,i returned home to my family. Where i spent hours curled up in a ball on the floor,Sobbing my heart out,and in so much emotional pain i could barely move. I tried to soldier on and continue going to work, but even that proved difficult,as my ex and new boyfriend started a walkpast campaign of my workplace to really rub in how happy she was (these BPDs love a good kick while your down dont they?) it tore me up every time i saw them,and she knew this,i can still see the little grin she would give me when he wasnt looking,a look i knew too well. the grin of pleasure at seeing me hurting (i had seen it many times before)

30 days into NC ,things were still rough. When i wasnt working,i stayed in my flat all day,barely venturing out and becoming a recluse. I did however set up a dating site profile (but more on that later).I kept my head down,but still cried myself to sleep some nights.And certain songs would literally break me.I recorded a voice memo at some point in those early days , Me talking at my lowest ebb, something that as i said on the recording "if you get through this,listen back to this and realise how low you had sunk,how much darkness had taken over,and to make sure i never went back" I listened back to it just last week,and realised how far i had come

60 days in and i was beginning to return to my old self, although still slightly saddened,i had began to cope better with the loss,my sense of humour returned. I began to speak to my friends a lot more, and started chatting on a fairly regular basis to a woman from the dating site. I also heard through the grapevine that my ex had been dumped by my replacement,and was showing signs of displacement. I knew i had to be strong at this point,as chances are i may crack and try to contact her.or her contact me. Thankfully that was not to be,i have not spoken to her since day one of NC (although she hasnt contacted me,she is kind of quasi-stalking again,with lots of walkpasts of my workplace ongoing,some obviously with the intention of catching me out on a cigarette break)

As i approach day 90 there have been many,many changes. I have returned to who i was before i even met my ex. I have mentioned to gain a bit of weight (it crashes when im stressed)and i have started a workout regime to improve my health and physique.people have commented i look healthier and happier and that my sense of humour and confidence has returned.I dont get as stressed as i used to. And have started a relationship with a new woman (the afor mentioned one from the dating site)she has been through some very similar experiences to me (possible BPD ex partner)and although its early days. Im experiencing a very different relationship to how things were with my ex partner.Its kind of woken me up as to how twisted that relationship was.

To all those currently in a state of NC i say this. Keep going! please do,i believe in you. At times you will struggle,at times you will cry and want nothing more than to call your ex, you may be thinking of it right now... .stop for a moment,is it worth it? what is worth more,getting them back,or getting you back?

You are worth better than what they have,or ever could give you.Yes they are ill,yes sometimes they cant help it (others they can,let us make sure we remember that). But if the payoff for trying to save someone is to lose yourself completely,that is no pay off at all.

I want to say a big thank you to all . We are bonded by what we have gone through (and continue to go through) Love to you all

Tom P

Thank you Tom P. Your story is soo similar to mine. Dont want to say it's identical, but recycles and at her request. I helped her get a good job and we were only into about a couple of months and she started having affair with her new married boss and dumped me once again on Valentines Day. I also wanted to end it all. Will be at 40 days in a handful of days. Your story just gave me the resolve to take it 90, which has never happened before.

Thank you!

Great job and great read Tom P!

I am a little past 30.  I work with my ex so I can't go 100%.  I'm sure it would be easier. Last week she spoke to me for the first time since the bu and has started some charming. That got me wanting to contact her so bad this weekend. Your post has given me some great inspiration to keep going - thank you.  I want 90!  I want my old self!

Take care.