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I finally understand what No Contact is truly and really for. At first I must confess I was using it as a manipulation tool. Psychological warfare. While I am not quite the Jedi Master my BPDx is in this realm of study, I did pick up a few bad habits and dysfunctions along the way. If she was effectively using Silent Treatment on me and it was working, why would'nt work on her? So, first few recycles I would go into N/C but it wasnt about Detachment. It was to poke at the sleeping giant. Sure enough, after several months either she would prod at me or me at her and we were back on. Yeah, it was effective but it took me right back into that toxic pool of whirlwind emotions, ups, downs and when the rollercoster ride was over she would ask me to take off the seat belt, get out of the cart and never come back to her amusement park... .at least until she felt I was worthy of riding along again with her.

I dont have a solid Wikipedia definition of what No Contact should be, but to me at this point I know it means Zero Contact by all forms of communication and association. However, I think it should also include other types of indirect "sneaky" behavior. I bring this up because inevitably there's a post I will read about drive bys, stalking, or anonymous type of behaviors of ghostly reaching out and indirect communication or contact. If you've ever watched Star Trek, there is an alien race called The Klingons. A breed of people (maybe they are not really people?) known for war, aggressivness and advanced battle tactics. One of them is being able to "cloak" their ships, become undetectable, sneak up on an enemy and blow them out of existence. Our former BPDx's hurt us and we spend lot's of time on here ranting about their "bad behavior" but if we are using sneaky tactics to spy, communicate or reaching out in a ghostly manner then we are no different than them in a way or worse yet our Klingon tactics says a lot about who we are and where we stand on concept of N/C. Maybe I'm wrong here, but at least for this in The Now Moment, I'm doing everything to detach. Hope no one doing this takes offense, but I thought I would mention it. If I'm wrong, let me know.

Dagwood, I've only been visiting this site for a week or so, but I already look forward to reading your posts. Always insightful.

I think my relationship with my xBPD was shortlived and less intense than many others discussed here, but I've been living now 20 days of NC and it has been remarkably much more difficult than I ever would have expected a break up could be.

I too didn't fully realize what NC meant until I checked in on my EX by looking at her Facebook and Instagram pages, which always undid any progress I had been making toward detachment. Since abstaining from "spying" on her of any kind, I am making slow progress. I have also tried to rid myself of as many triggers in my environment as possible, which is harder to do than it sounds because even a song on the radio or even a particular phrase that she used to use a lot reminds me of her. No contact is for the mind what a cast is for a broken ankle: protection to give the healing process a chance to work.  

Dag, this is a good topic because I read stories of far too many on this board who cause themselves so much pain by checking facebook pages etc. I guess I can understand why it's done, the not knowing and how much pain that can also cause, but without fail I read of non's who only delay their healing process by checking up on their exBPD's.

This could also include non's who look back to old emails, correspondences or old pictures. While I haven't deleted all of the emails from the past, I never have the desire to look at them because it only brings back pain. I deleted every picture I had of my ex, every document that was hers or included her, everything.

There simply is no up side to any checking up on ex's or looking back at old times. I am not sure what anyone is hoping for when they do this. The only result is more pain, whether it be because the ex's have pics of them and the replacement, or look like they are having a blast without you or if they look horrible, in which case, it tugs at our guilt.

I am facing one frustration right now and that is that when I want to send something to myself (email share) from my phone, the auto fill continues to pull up her email address. Fortunately, this week I am feeling completely strong and resolute. Little things like her address popping up or other triggers are not causing me the burst of anxiety that they did only a week ago. Something has changed in me. I don't know what, although last week was the most emotional yet, so maybe it was the last throes.

However, I know that the biggest contributor to my letting go is that while she still resides in my mind, I want to no evidence that she actually exists. I don't want to see, I don't want to know.

The common denominator of people on BPD Family that are moving on and those who can't get out of the web are, for the most part, the people who have strict no contact, no spying, no nothing, as it pertains to their exBPD's.

With that said, it stinks. Many of us spent years with our partners, we loved/love them so the hardest part is coming to terms that they are no longer part of our lives and that this is how it needs to remain UNLESS the objective is to live in a cycle of emotional oblivion and darkness.

Hey Dunder and LimboFL. You guys brought up a point I had not thought of. I cant explain it, but in the past and my first week I was reading old emails, trying to access her FB page and I was checking Craigslist posts because in the past this is how I would catch her cheating to find the supply line of new seductions to reinvigorate her self-esteem and constant need for attention that no matter how hard I tried I could never satisfy. All it did was put me back into a tailspin. I guess that since we can no longer mainline the drug of intoxicating emotions directly by full contact we seek out other masochistic methods to get our dose of other harmful emotions. And yeah, seeing a replacement with her on FB, seeing or recognizing her posts on Craigslist lets me know she still exisits but the trigger of negative emotions are far more negative than positive. So yeah, until we can 100% detach to include seeking out new forms or sources of contact we stay stuck. Thanx for your 2 cents!

It's not about No Contact - any more that building a beautiful house is about a hammer. It's about detachment and if you use that word, it won't be as confusing.  The "no contact" part may not even be necessary or advisable in certain cases.

Here are some definitions that might help.

Interdependence It is what everyone wants in a relationship.  Interdependence is two whole people who are capable of giving, being vulnerable and connected.

Cohesion is a measure of supportive interaction (including warmth, time together, nurturance, physical intimacy, and consistency).

Enmeshment is a measure of psychological control (including coercive control, separation anxiety, possessiveness/jealousy, emotional reactivity, and projective mystification). In an enmeshed family everyone shares the other's life-system. One learns not to look within one's self for awareness of what one is about, but to the other members of the family. The husband who is happy when his wife is happy and sad when wife is depressed is an example of enmeshment. This is also referred to as co-dependence.

Disengagement is the extreme opposite of enmeshment. It generally means to disengage  from the our emotional over dependence on the other person.

You know the old saying "If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy".  That is enmeshment.

Disengagement would be "If mama ain't happy with me, that does not materially affect my day".  

Low contact, controlled contact, or no contact are tools that can help us reach this state of emotional ambivalence. The real effort is in our mind and channeling our thinking.

This is trickier when we try to stay in the relationship as disengagement is not only the opposite on enmeshment - it can also negatively impact cohesion.  It takes a great deal of emotional maturity to walk this line - compartmentalize things - and we need to be careful to not get to the point of over suppressing ourselves and being damaged by it.

If we are in an enmeshing environment, it's hard not to become enmeshed.  It's not likely we will change the others, so ultimately it comes down to how we process the enmeshing environment as to how it affects our quality of life.  

The starting is point is to realize that this is a problem that we face and the goal we want to achieve.

Words for the day. Thanx Skip!