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AFAIK she does not have a bf but she is dating other guys , it really hurts to feel like I've been replaced and now she is telling them things she told me

I've dated about 12 girls since the BU seven months ago and I can't even think of being intimate with any it hurts too much the thought of her in bed with another guy feels so unfair when I stayed faithful for six years put up with a lack of sex etc

And when I love her and they don't  :'(

In fact Ive  stopping dating 

I don't have any advice to offer on this one bc I'm about where you are. I had a really hard time last night. Just knowing she's out there smiling, laughing, kissing, and creating memories with someone new; all the while I'm cleaning up the memories she left behind. It all seems so unfair. I'm sorry my friend, I feel you.

Compassion really plays a strong role here, in my opinion.

Think of it this way: the chances of her recovering fully are low. She will not learn from this like you will; she will just continue to cycle through relationships and be steadily miserable her whole life.

You, on the other hand, will face this massive trauma now, overcome it in time, and be all-the-wiser in future (and hopefully healthier) relationships.

You hurt in big ways now and that really sucks, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's just about managing the pain until it diminishes.

At a certain point we have to face the fact that not all (most, really) relationships last. If you globalize that idea things will become easier. Even non-disordered relationships end. It's not all about BPD, and although that fact should make it easier to cope, you do have to realize that sometimes even the most natural, successful relationships come to a close. Think about yourself here. What lead you to her? Go deep into your past, into your childhood even. Think about why you wanted what you wanted, and why you might have developed your own tastes in people. I've found that when I turn my focus inward the pain decreases dramatically. We don't need to think about anyone but ourselves, because in this incredibly vast universe, even surrounded by all of these people, we are ultimately alone. The best we can do is create positive meaning about what we have and what we are given.

Good luck man!

Just another shiney new toy to play with then discard... .i'd rather be a happy whole me and single than walk everyday in a minefield blindfolded

stay strong 

I know mine is dating again and just hope that the new man s better at being a doormat than I was. He'll need to be.

If ever I feel bad about it I just think of how much of her messed up, dysfunctional life he's going to have to put and just that thought makes me feel much, much better.

Lucky them if they don't love her. If they do then they'll end up as hurt but ultimately as wise as you are. Regardless of how it feels right now you're onto a winner. You've already crossed the Red Sea in your exodus while they have it all to come. It may not seem like it but you are not doing badly. You'd certainly be doing much worse if you were still with her.

Stay strong and keep walking. Shepherd your sanity and well being through this desert like Moses did with his tribe and you will reach your destination.

Mine will have to to walk a fine line between being abusive and loving to keep her while needing the patience of a saint to put up with all her life's problems complaints and fears

He will need to have an endless river of activities  to keep her satisfied as well and from getting bored

A doormat will bore her

I can't see her ever having a happy marriage

YES!   If someone is unhappy... .that is their struggle.  We do not have the power to change that and we are in trouble ourselves emotionally when we think that we do have that power.  No matter how much they blame us. That's on them.

I'm pretty sure my replacement felt like he won the lottery in the beginning , but he's 7 months into the relationship with my ex and I think he has a lot of questions now. I don't want to be in his shoes.  lol

Dobie, this has SO hit a nerve with me.  I have always viewed my ex as soulmate, my Godess, my Woman, that was mine and mine only--->BECAUSE she promised me forever... .I was her LAST MAN!  So the thought of her Hugging, kissing, making promises, living with, feeding, supporting, and "gulp" doing someone else just makes me want to give up.  I can't look at her like she's just a piece of meat.  But then again, isn't that what she did to me?

I remember her telling me... .I just can't wait to hold you.  I was "snooping" back in 2012 and I saw a conversation she had with someone else on fb, and she said the exact same thing!  It was crushing!  BUT on the other hand, she kissed and did things with boyfriends, two ex husband, and me.  But that part is just humans living life... .but to think of MY gal being intimate NOW with someone----->HURTS.

Anyone thinking of writing a book?

I agree, the thought of my ex with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. Oh, you can say, she can have him he is disordered, but that doesn't help.

I am moving and that is one of the reasons. I live way too close to him and I have no intent of running into him with a replacement.

Looking back on it my ex had an ex husband and plenty of exes so it really wasn't about sex for me... .she had plenty before me and if history is an indicator shell have plenty after.  It was the idealization, that I was the one who was different... .special... .the nice guy. LOL what a dope I am.   If she hasn't replaced me by now she certainly is in the bars and clubs on Saturday doing what they do.  no jealousy here and deep down I'm not surprised.  Its really the little things that bother me... .the building the family with her kids, the vacations, the having daily contact with someone who loves you.  I go back and forth between WOW I really dodged a bullet and depression that it was all a joke and I'm just one of many that she will plan these things with.

This post has hit the spot with me too.

The thought of my exBPD fiancee with someone else did really hurt me. In fact she texted me on the first night her now husband first met my son and stayed over at our old house, less than 3 months after I left. I was an absolute mess for days. I could not believe that I was replaced so soon after 12 years and yes it was painful. I also imagined that my replacement was a massive upgrade to me, the greatest thing since sliced bread.

When I finally met this guy, it was a shock. I don't want to sound arrogant but he could not be more different to me. But it was an important moment. It made me realised just how much she had changed, and how little chance I had with her at the end. It also changed my attitude towards her as well as I was not as angry directly at her, but still raging over how she treated me at the end of our relationship. I know this sounds patronising but I actually felt sorry for her. It was soon after I had learnt about BPD and everything now makes sense.

Although I have not dated since, (Still scared to be honest) I have used this time to improve myself as much as possible, including seeing a therapist and losing weight. I'm still not there yet but I'm on the road. This is my time to improve myself, discover what makes me happy and not to tolerate any nonsense from anyone anymore.

When I see my ex, she may have the wedding ring she craved for, but I look in her eyes and I don't see the happiness that use to be there, especially from our early days together.

But it's not my problem anymore!

Don't feel bad. There's nothing you can do about it- It's just the nature of what they do. And as far as her telling the guys she's dating the same things she told you well that's all too common. I had read some of the messages the BPD woman i was involved with had sent to one of the guys she was seeking out as my replacement (married with kids no less), and i could have dug up any card she had given me and it would pretty much had said the same things. I now jokingly tell her if she wants me to dig up any of those old cards in case she forgets the lines for the carousel of guys i'm sure she's entertaining. 

It's not surprising you're not ready to date; this indicates you are going through the normal grieving process that occurs at the end of a r/s (made even worse by your involvement with a pwBPD).

What's not emotionally healthy is jumping right into r/s's as your ex is.

I understand your pain; my 8 year r/s ended and 4 months later she was bringing my replacement to the family Christmas dinner - the one that we attended together for the past 8 years.

It's painful stuff.

Here is my thought and not sure if it will help you.

I'm not sure if I'm getting over my ex way too fast or if I'm still in the process of recovering, but it has been 5 weeks and it doesn't bother me at all if she's dating or sleeping with another dude, in fact, I'll be surprised if she's not.

The way I think of the situation is that she always complained and complained about everything, lack of love, lack of attention and all of that when I invested my full energy and force into our rs and our son, so the thought of her dating / sleeping with another guy to me is THE opportunity to PUNISH her, she will soon circle back to the same old issues, no one wants her p***y all the time, that's just how relationship is, honeymoon period never lasts forever.  Look, I love s*x and my ex is a hot babe, but even for me, with all her issues hanging over our head and the fact I was so tired from taking care of our son (I haven't slept straight at night for 2 years!) and emotionally taking care of her,   I was not having s*x with her that often, I just couldn't.  She drains you. Her next guy will soon feel the same way.

So I THANK the next fool for giving her the high right now and then have her drop herself to the bottom once more, it hurts the first time with me? She will feel the pain that much more when they have a problem as SHE IS the source of most issues (I have my faults too of course.).  I just enjoy the thought of her getting hurt by someone else or really, by herself again.  In addition, I get comfort thinking how her family will react when she fails the next time around.

I'm working on my next phase of not having these evil thoughts, and develop into a not care attitude, but for now, that's what gives me peace and hope it might help you get through this hard period.

If you want to be philosophical, then the sooner she dates the sooner you'll be a candidate for recycling!   Can't remember where I read it, but I loved the description of a BPD woman as a 'broken doll'. Let someone else play with her now,  and you go find a new one that works properly! 

Hi dobie,

I'm sorry you're going through.

I felt a lot of anger at my ex and her bf because I remained faithful in marriage and lacked physical intimacy that she projected ( her detachment ) for a long time.

I felt duped.

Valet has a good observation that you can get through this trauma and become healthier and wiser.

jhkbuzz raises a good point that anger may be directed at an ex partner in a new r/s if you haven't grieved and it can be a distraction as well.

She never reycycles plus I just fired her an email telling her im better off without her I don't need closure and I don't want to meet for coffee ever

I'm taking the power back

Are you angry or taking power back?

I'm sorry she didn't give you closure.

We can give ourselves closure.

God mutt I never thought the lack of sex was a form of pushing away I just assumed she was depressed and lacked a sex drive .

Thanks bro that's a real thought provider

Both stuff her for her lack of humanity

Hey dobie. This isn't a response really. I've been where you are on and off. Sometimes I write out stuff, call it prose, poetry whatever. I used to send a lot to her. This one I cant send, but I sometimes feel what you do.

"A broken doll discarded by the dumpster... . I saw the wounds and hurt. Did my best to mend you. Love conquers all, compassion and God's grace was all that was needed... . so I thought. The more I loved you the less you loved. Cruelty always brought you back, but that's not me. Men are your objects. Toys of pleasure, money and favors. They have no feelings, no needs and once they fail you it's on to the next ride. Burning bridges, inflicting wounds of rage, take no prisoners and take all that you can. I know that I love you but you can not love back. I let you go and try to forgive you. I step off this crazy train knowing that self destruction, self inflicted toxic karma and misery are at every stop along the way."

i feel u guys 8 yrs and 3 kids  her BPD behavior has completey oblitarated me as a man   cheetd on  lied to  used and abused   why so hard to let go? my struggle     i have enuff truble trying to talk to another women let alone date or sleep with her   even tho i here   she is sleepin around to get over me   nocantact thing she pulld is a lie and i acully regret no paying my lawer to do it to her

It is hard to think about the replacement getting the idealization I once received. Being alone and not ready or wanting to date makes me think I am going to be without love again. He helped to erode my self esteem and I know that brought him power. I have read that continuing a relationship with a BPD results in a r/s that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control and the loss of self confidence. So... .true.

do they treet evryone   (next guy) the same?  with the crazyness

I think eventually they will ruin all there relationships... .how long it will take probably depends on the other person.  Could be a week, a month, or 5 years.

I'm sorry you're struggling dobie. We've all looked back at things that were said and now see how we counted on them to be true while also seeing actions that did not match the words. This cycle will likely repeat until it is recognized and help is sought out by a pwBPD.

This is one of the Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions.

“But she said she would love me forever”

Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications.

You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.



Full article is here: Article 9: Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm)

Often we obsess and ruminate over what our “BPD” partner might be doing or feeling, or who they might be seeing. We wonder if they ever really loved us and how we could have been so easily discarded. Our emotions range from hurt, to disbelief, to anger.

This guide explores the struggles of breaking away from this type of relationship and offers suggestions on how you can make it easier on yourself and your partner.