BPDFamily.com

This sight is invaluable and I'm new here but needing some advice on how to handle a situation.  My dil who has all the traits of BPD and my son who is a high conflict possible BPD have told my oldest granddaughter (12y) my sons child from a previous relationship, she is not allowed to go with me and later added my  daughter (her aunt)  whom she is very close to, when she is In her mom's care.  Her mom has full custody and has a good relationship with us.  My son and Dil has threatened her in some way.  We are alienated from the other 3 kids by the Dil but not my son.  My 12y granddaughter is extremelyy upset and doesn't want us to tell her dad she told us this because she is afraid of retaliation.  I have told her to ask to see the counselor in her school.  My Dil has had a history of emotional abuse with my gd.  My question is, how do I best handle this.  We have told her, daddy can't restrict you from seeing us and that when you are with mom as long as she agrees we can see you.  Am I causing more conflict?  We raised her for the first 8 yrs of her life, I can't turn my back on her.  I might add, my son goes behind his wife's back and brings the kids over for us to see them.  Please help with advice. 

Wow, I shouldn't have to say this since I know how baffling BPD behavior is, but it's hard to understand this situation.  Do you know why your son and DIL want to prohibit you from seeing your gd?   

So as I understand it, dil and son are the only people who have a problem with your gd spending time with you and your daughter.  Yet they don't have custody of her or have any legal say in the matter?  Yet they still try to exert some control and fear over her.  I'm guessing that gd's mom has her own crazy stories of having to deal with them. 

My first thought is that if it's okay with gd's mom for her to see you, is it possible to just visit her without your son and dil knowing about it?  But then I realize you're putting your gd in the position of asking her to lie if they ask her.  The only other thing I can think of is that gd's mom can try to assert herself in a way that takes any pressure off you or her daughter.  Like she can casually mention to your son her intentions to let gd see a movie with you. The authority of that decision is not on you or your gd. And if your son or dil protest, the mom has full authority to tell them to mind their own business. 

It sounds like a crazy situation.  I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and sorry for what your gd has to deal with.   

My Dil has many people she has problems with.  She does not want me, a maternal child nurse for 33 years, my husband Air Force retiree of 35 years, daughter family crises interventionist of 5 years to have any contact with her because she feels that we treat my gd (son's child) better than are other three grandchildren 6, 2 and 3 months.  We have walked on eggshells to treat them all the same.  Truth is my oldest gd is underprivileged and does not receive child support from my son.  We do buy her things she needs for school and gives them to her biological mom because that's where she lives and goes to school.  My Dil drills her to find out where she got her new clothes, which by the way are from Walmart or sales rack, while she brags on fb about her children wearing ugg boots and name brand this and that.  I do buy them equal amounts on birthdays and holidays.  My Dil once went in a rage because my daughter gave her a piece of candy with a .25 cent toy in the middle when my then 2and half yo gd wasn't there.  This is what I am dealing with.  She is emotionally abusive to my oldest gd, in fact to all her children but openly admits she doesn't like my son's daughter, her step daughter.  My son does not stand up for himself or protects his children.

We have set our boundaries and told her and my Dil we cannot love my oldest any less and love my other grandchildren any more.  Told my son we will see his daughter when she is with her mom and he half accepts that.  I can't turn my back on her, my son was not involved in her first 8 years and we co raised her with her mom.  Although I'm glad he sees her every other weekend and is trying to be a part of her life, I find it very controlling on both their parts.

By "her," you mean your 12 year old GD's mother? If she has full custody, what is the visitation schedule like?

understandnow, I should have guessed the jealousy, because I see a similar tendency with uSIL.  My SIL's jealousy is focused on me and my kids.  She thinks my parents show favoritism toward us.  And it manifests in ways like --she knew that my mom stayed with me for a week or two after my kids were born to help, therefore she expected that my mom also work an equal time for her.  Never mind that has been absolutely horrible to my elderly mom. 

I actually brought this up recently with my SIL --of course in as non-threatening of a way as possible, not being direct about how mean she's been to my mom.  "You've mentioned that you were concerned about my parents showing favoritism to my kids.  If you want my mom to show your kids more attention, shouldn't you be more welcoming toward my mom when she tries to show attention toward them?"  This was in reference to how my mom made efforts to call their house and talk to her kids, but this annoyed my SIL.  She treated my mom with impatience, she didn't have time, calls had to be scheduled, but then she wouldn't give my mom a time to call.  Well, you can't complain about someone not giving attention, when you treat that person like inferior crap when they reach out to you.  I'd like to think that this made some kind of impression on her, despite the fact that her response to this was to give a long history of all of the ways my mom has emotional jerked her around, how my mom tried to befriend her and then ignored her.  And her story of course omits all the disturbing rages she directed at my mom for ridiculous things.  She has no concept of reaping and sowing, that if she were just kind and generous toward others, she would get kindness and generosity back. 

Sorry to go on so much with my own experiences.

From what you've written it sounds like you've established good boundaries -something that took my family a long time to figure out.  And despite that your son is not doing right by his daughter, it sound like your gd is in the best position she can be in all things considered --her mother having full custody, and having the grandparents and an aunt that care so much about her.  I can only imagine what hell her life would be if she had to spend more time with her father and step mom.