BPDFamily.com

It's funny to me that as "the rational one", I still get surprised by how hard it can be to deal with my own emotions.  

I feel guilty and disappointed in myself for deciding to divorce my uBPDwife after 14 yrs.  We have one son, 8; both my wife and son will be blindsided and devastated by the decision, no matter how amicably we can resolve it (which, by the way, looks iffy after reading a lot here.)  I haven't told her yet, but I decided and I'm making advance plans.  She thinks we're working on the marriage, and has shown tons of improvement in the past few months. The irony is that even when she is trying so hard, and being so good, deep down I'm still certain we need to separate. I just can't trust her, it feels like the last 14 yrs are the reality and the present is the dream.  That seems unfair to her, but I can't shake the feeling.

I feel like a coward, like I used to be able to deal with her outbursts, and I could even deal with much worse (e.g., there were a few years of intermittent DV, but not for the last 5 yrs) but now I can't do it anymore.  

Worse, I feel like I'm abandoning my son part-time, if I leave him with her unsupervised 50% of the time.  She's a good mom to him, so I don't want to fight for full custody since it would be hard to make the case; shared time appears best.  Plus she's honestly told me that if I try to take him from her, first she'd fight me with all she has, and second, if she loses, she'd have nothing to live for.  Even if she's not suicidal I don't want to do that to her.

Anyway, I guess I'm still undaunted, but I feel like my decision to leave her to her own devices is fundamentally selfish.

Bummer. I really liked being "the good guy."

I can imagine how difficult this decision must be. Are you seeing a therapist? I also went to a divorce support group after my wife and I decided to separate.

Seeing my son part-time is very difficult, limits on just being a part of his life, being involved in his education, etc.

Why are you feeling like trust cannot be restored?

Sorry to hear you are going through this.  I am new here, but feel like I can pass along some perspective.

For me, I was never the "good guy".  If I stayed, or divorced her, I would always be the bad person to her.  Although I did not have kids in the relationship (thank God), I did have two dogs who I would not be able to look after when I left.  I knew she had been abusive to them in the past, but hoped she would be kind to them knowing I would watch for that. 

I too left after there had been a calm down in DV.  I really do not attribute this to her getting better, rather, I think it was I just got better at what I said or did around her.  Or, it could have been that I was so broken and depressed she didn't think I needed added misery. 

I don't think you are a coward.  You have to realize that we both put up with a lot of flak most people would have walked away from a long time ago.  I remember after my divorce, my ex was dumped rather quickly by the first two guys she was with.  I attribute this to the fact they weren't people fixers like I am.  They saw her for what she was and they wanted nothing to do with it. 

I don't think looking out for you best interest is selfish.  Is your relationship what you would deem a good marriage if you looked at it from the outside?  If this were your friend, and they described what your marriage is like, would you advise them to leave or stay?

Just some thoughts, again not an expert.

WOW

im starting to feel guilty too, as i know shes going down and going down hard eventually... .  whenever i feel bad, i try to remind myself she never really cared about me and was just using me, along with others... .  i just look at her actions and not my own bs perception of woulda coulda shoulda... .  eventually you get to the point where enough is enough and you walk, but it is hard because you realize it will not end well for her... .

part of this experience has really taught me that i need to love myself, and take care of myself... . it takes two to make something work, youre are not there to fix everything... .  thats not a relationship, thats called taking you for a ride... .