BPDFamily.com

In a nutshell, bought a house recently with BF.  I'm 45.  First episode with BPD happened - it lasted a couple of weeks. I tried to use the lessons I learned here, but I could only take so much and I failed. It is awful and hugs to you all for dealing with this!

I am angry today.  He came out of it just under a week ago.  Like nothing happened.  I'm apparently the jerk.  I don't know about you and how you cope, but I want to discuss his behaviour with him.  I am heartbroken.  He was verbally abusive, used all my weaknesses against me, had his family (who I liked) delete me on Facebook (Lord knows what he told them), called me names, and generally bullied me.  I'm trying not to walk on eggshells - but I don't want to see rageman.  I can't handle it after moving from my own place, into a place where I felt hated and like burden.  I need to get some footing first.  I am not meek by any stretch.  The nice him is incredible - this is such a shock after all the time we've been together.

How do you cope with your own anger?  How do you forgive when there seems to be no remorse?  My needs do not seem to matter - and emotional intimacy?  Where did that go? No gratitude at all for anything.  :)oesn't even ask me how my day was anymore.  Is this how it goes?  Idealized, devalued, and flat/existing? He's for sure out of the episode and I'm back to being white - but he is still different than the man I was excited to buy a house with, spend my life with, travel with... .  Now, I just want to get back into my own place, but nice him is amazing.  Confused.  :)ealing with not living on my own anymore, having to share and then this... .and the shock... .best and worst relationship ever.  Clearly, I will wait to calm down before making any decisions or having any discussions. I could literally just scream.

Also... .he seems unable to focus, never stops, hardly eats.  We bought a real fixer-upper (oh irony lol) and we had a plan of what would get done first.  He does 50 jobs at once, but not the original plan.  Is this a trait?  I do think being incredibly busy keeps the demon at bay... .but... .at the expense of our relationship.

I know it is an illness, maybe I am a jerk and am currently lacking compassion - but it came out of nowhere and like many people's stories on here, I was blindsided and I'm crushed.  Who is this guy?


(He is undiagnosed, but after doing all kinds of research and having a close friend who's hubby is BPD, I am almost certain.  Saw a therapist she clearly knows nothing about BPD - contradicts everything I read here.  Basically just said it was a psychotic break or maybe he's just abusive.  No support there.  I'm going to change therapists.)  

Hi gah

*welcome*

I'm really sorry to hear about all that you are going through with your partner.  BPD can be extremely frustrating to deal with at times, and frankly it can be exhausting at others.  They can even be heartbreaking, as you say.  I think everyone here feels that way.  You're not a jerk at all.  These are not easy relationships, and your anger about things is very natural.  So, you're in good company.   

I think the place to start is to try reading through the Lessons (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0) on the Staying board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0).  These tools will help you to better relate to your BF, and also to help diffuse situations when he is triggered.  These will be vital tools to make this relationship less turbulent.  Please don't feel that any of this is your fault, however, gah.  You are not the reason that he is behaving this way.  This is what the disorder does.  It's very tragic and it causes so much hurt for everyone - both you and your BF.  The good news is that there are steps we can take to improve the situation.  Staying in a BPD relationship requires us to change too.   |iiii

Keep posting.  We very much understand how difficult this is, and we are all ready to support you.

Edit:  Oh, be sure to ask around in the Staying board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0) if you have any questions about the tools, too.  The senior members would be happy to help to explain them better - they are not intuitive.