BPDFamily.com

I am frustrated with myself.

FOR YEARS my days were filled with busyness. Good busyness, but busy all the same.

Now, I have more free time than I have had in 25 years.

I 'want' to do this or that but when it comes down to it? I don't.

I 'want' to go to the gym, tone up for the summer, or love it so much it becomes a regular thing.

However, after making the appointment? I didn't go.

I didn't want to walk in and have people stare at me. I didn't want to do this alone.

I took a shooting class. THAT I showed up too.

I was the last one in the room because I got lost and was 2 min late.

USUALLY I would have turned around and went home... .but this time, I didn't.

GREAT class, learned a lot, did well, can't wait to go back... .

But realistically? I don't want to go alone.

((my ex and I NEVER did things together. He rarely rarely took me anywhere, and we didn't do things 'together'. So it's not that I am missing him, or the habit of dong things with him... .we didn't))

I don't want to spend hours, days, weeks and thousands of dollars on a T.

I wouldn't even know where to find one IF I wanted one.

I just want to 'shake off the old, put on the new'

I don't want to "analyze" people to death... .I want to make friends, do things with groups of people; w/o being such a chicken.

I want to 'feel' what it's like to 'love' again.

I don't want to "pin" some PD on every person I meet... .

I just want to live.

Laugh, smile, give, sleep well, breathe deeply.

I don't want to be bogged down with woe, misery, the past, others baggage, etc.

I don't want to dig into the dark recesses of my mind and pull out all of the rotting corpses for all to see and analyze those to death.

I want to exhale, move on, live life... .squeeze every drop of life out of a 24 hour day.

I sick and tired of 'depression spurts'; insomnia, panic attacks (those are fewer and further between... .) getting wound up about stupid crap, being afraid of doing things ON MY OWN... .

I just want this to stop; and I want to start living.

I've had almost 30 years with a dBPDw. Now separated almost a year. LC due to court crap.   based on your signature perhaps you know what you need to do but have been avoiding it. I believe that ultimate peace can only be found through forgiveness. Until we have that peace, by definition life will be chaotic and depressing.

Hi, going places.  You are saying you want to live, and be free.  And I think you are also saying that fear stops you (and that's part of why you're frustrated with yourself, and with the situation). 

I understand the desire to live, and not analyze, and I don't think it's necessary to dig up the rotting corpses as you humourously put it.  It can feel like a total waste of time. This is legitimate, and I think there are methods/approaches to get to, and through, the core of what's bothering you without digging through the past.  I can say more about that later (having experienced both the mind-body path, which tends to be less past-oriented, and seeing a psychoanalyst, which is, and familiarity with the pros and cons at least from my own individual experience)

However, I wonder if your reluctance to dig inside yourself is because you are afraid of something you will find there.  I could be wrong, I just ask that you ponder the question a little before you decide that's not the case.  My experience has been that when there's an "I really, really want to, but I'm afraid, I feel so frustrated", the desire is coming from some authentic life force impulse inside me, and the fear is coming from an old self-protection program (either from trauma or training). 

The second thing you could do is investigate this anxiety a little more closely.  You say you don't want to "go places" (hehe your username, going places) alone.  If there was someone to go with you, what would that do for you?  Make you feel safer?  Something else?

What does it mean to you, to show up alone? 

And if you were to go alone, and people stared at you, what's so undesirable about that?  Are you afraid they're silently judging you?  If so, what are they saying to themselves, and why is that particular thing so painful?

Yeah, sometimes it does... .and that wizzes me off; but I am making progress every day.

In 98 days, I am moving, w/o my kids (all adults and the reason I wake up in the morning) from IN to Fla... .HUGE leap.


Maybe.

I have enough on my plate to work thru now, I sure as heck do not want to add more.


True.

I am sick of the "well this happened in my childhood, so that explains why I 'feel' this or that.

I am sick of "well I had a mom like______dad like_____experiences like_______ and that is why I do what I do".

I just want to see what I have done that is not healthy, stop that, and chose healthy... .and just move on.

I really want to look at the past like an entry rug. It's the first thing you step on at the front door from out side, so it get DIRTY.

I want to 'shake that rug out, clean it, and move it away from the door where it keeps getting walked on!"

That's it!


What it would do for me is provide support, that someone is 'in my corner', going with me because they support what I am doing and enjoy my company!

"show up alone"... .go into a place by myself.


I am 5'6" and 120lbs, walking into a gym.

I don't care that they are judging me, their thoughts are not my problem.

HOWEVER, I don't want people to look at me and say "what is SHE doing here"... .like I don't belong there... .

Which I have taken care of that problem, I have a dvd and just do a work out at my apartment.

I just want to turn the page... .

 Very therapeutic to read your post,and i think everything you write is achievable,i joined the ymca last september and its the best thing i did in a very long time,the people there are very friendly,good luck to you.