BPDFamily.com

My r/s was like being on drugs.  Only different.  (and a lot less fun!)

Years ago, back in my twenties, I was going to a concert and took some ecstasy beforehand.  It was kicked in just as the crowd was swarming the door.  Everyone was jam-packed together and my reality shifted.  I started to panic and freak-out.  Thinking "WOW, I can't handle this."  But thankfully, enough of my brain was still intact that I knew I could give into the panic or choose not to.  So I talked myself through it, reminding myself that my panic wasn't real, it was a reaction to the drug, I was okay and would be okay.  I just keep reassuring myself, "you are okay, you took a drug, it is the drug making you feel this way."  I got through it and as soon as I got in the venue and the crowd dispersed I was indeed okay.  I went on to have, as the name ecstasy suggests, a whole lot of fun. 

My r/s with my UxBPDbf had so many of those stuck-in-the-crowd-while-the-drug-kicks-in moments.  Like the world shifted and all of the sudden I was living in a parallel universe where everything looked the same but nothing made sense like it had just moments before.   But unlike doing drugs, I had no context for the shift.  For that parallel universe showing up.  I didn't know what was at play (BPD) and so I couldn't talk myself through it. It didn't make sense.  The rules had changed.  I wasn't able to step back from what was going on in the moment, tell myself "oh yeah, this isn't as it appears, this is BPD talking here." 

So, my r/s experience with BPD was like being on drugs.  Except I didn't know it.  Couldn't make sense of it. 

Except a whole lot less fun.  Plus, ecstasy wears off.  Sadly, the BPD doesn't.  I am almost 5 months out (of an 8 mo r/s) and it ain't over yet!

This is an interesting comparison, Reclaiming.  In fact, many members here have noticed how addiction like a BPD relationships can be, and how much leaving one is like withdrawal.  I don't think it's a perfect analogy, personally, but it's not too bad either.  There are very real biochemical pathways activated in our brain when we fall in love, and these are powerful forces to maintain our attraction and connection to the person we love.  Losing these has been shown to be very similar to physical pain.  There's an interesting article (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141948.0) on the site about the biological effects of breaking up.  Maybe you might find it interesting.

A little aside, it's interesting too how you describe the fear of being lost in a confusing and unfamiliar crowd.  This is how I've heard having BPD described in Stop Walking on Eggshells: being a small child all alone and lost in a crowd of unfamiliar, frightening faces desperately looking for your mother.  Maybe your insight can also help us to understand something of how our exes feel.