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It's been 9 days of no contact since I heard the most horrible things that came out of her mouth.  And just think, I asked her to marry me in February.  And now for my own sanity, I am in no contact.  It makes no sense to me.  It doesn't make sense to me how one minute they love you and the next they hate you.  Where is the in between?  And why did I think I could marry someone like this?  So many questions?  I just woke up feeling so depressed. 

I empathize with the way that you feel this morning and the no contact process is a painful journey.

I understand the confusion... .she actually proposed to me and was  pushing a wedding a week before she kicked me out... .makes very little sense to me.  Approaching 30 days of N/C... .I suspect she felt that I was wary of marriage and discarded me... .Its all for the best it would have been a life of misery and probably discarded a few years down the line.  Still beyond confusing and hurtfull tho.

Stay strong we are here for you and you ARE healing 

Thank you for the responses and encouragement.  I know that no contact is the right thing to do, but it is just really hard.  It's hard to let go of the dreams that we had.  It's hard to let go of the illusion that I fell in love with.  We were together for almost 5 years.  It was an up and down time. I have read countless stories on here about the life that I lived too.  We had so many recycles and each time the abuse became worse.  And the good times became shorter.  So I have to be in love with a fantasy or what could have been.  She showed me what she was and probably was always going to be.  And in reality, if we actually got married, I would always be chasing and hoping that the girl in the beginning would return.  And what makes it really bad, is I know I could pick up the phone and call her, and we would be back in another crazy recycle.  I am the one who walked away.  I am the one who blocked her and said it was over.  And I am the one who has to stay no contact for my own sanity.