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Heard a profound quote on a British tv show last week that resonated with my BPD experience. It's taken from the book, Captain Corelli's Mandolin:

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”

Helps me to understand the 'parting of the ways' between a borderline and a non when the honeymoon period is over and all the pain and confusion that ensues as we love them and they can't reciprocate. 

sniff... . :'(


"like"

Yes but isn't that true of any relationship?  We're enamored with each other, the other person has no faults (love is blind), we're floating on air, the honeymoon phase, which lasts a few months maybe, and then the real relationship starts.  I don't buy the 'in love' burning away though; if the couple have compatible interests, values and goals the relationship has a chance at being long-term, but if they were in love once that feeling and state is accessible again, it just takes a little work and focus, but it's still there.  I rode my bike through a park today, and I saw a couple who had to be in their 80's, walking along, holding hands, smiling and talking softly; that place is still available to them because they say so.  And of course there are a lot of couples who are technically married but emotionally dead too.  It's a choice.

Went astray a little on that, forgive me, and with someone with a personality disorder none of that is possible, because that's not a honeymoon stage it's an unsustainable fantasy, so the question becomes why did we confuse the two?  I did because I was lonely and susceptible, and more than a little lost, when she showed up, there was bliss for a minute, and then the obsession to get back there; lots of growth available in looking at why I was so susceptible, why I got obsessed, and what do I need to do differently moving forward, so I am walking in that park with someone I'm in love with in my 80's.

A pwBPD can go so much further than just infatuation that it becomes overwhelming in more ways than just emotionally, enough so they can feel they have destroy and abandon the relationship while trying to get 'free' of it. Being human, most if not all probably do experience real love at some time or other. Being disordered, it's processed/lived differently.

My ex loved me but that deep love triggered the disorder hardcore.

People have layers to them, and in my experience with pwBPD pulling those layers back reveals an incredible amount of pain and not just fear but dread and terror.  The deeper levels of love acess those parts of a pwBPD so they can forget the love because it is too painful.

My relationship is just over 3 years, and I would say we are still, mostly in the honeymoon phase.  It can be hard for me at times, to keep it up, the lovey dove stuff.  He likes us to have our rose colored glasses on.  But usually, that's what I want as well.

I love this man, and I know he feels very deeply, and I do not doubt his love for me.  I have doubted in in the past, due to his behavior, but I've accepted we have a different type of relationship, which has a lot of rewards for me, the reason I am still with him.  So, if I need to be his love of his life, always, I try my best to do that because it works for both of us, which makes me happy.

I'm lucky because we do not live together, if we did, this would be unsustainable.  I know that, because we tried, and it didn't work.  He  treated me badly.  I could not be the perfect girl he has put on the pedestal.

I think it works for us because I actually like his fantasy he has created for us.  We are the perfect in love couple, and he really cannot take his eyes of me when he is loving me.  I like the deepness of our conversations, which are centered on feelings.

I do have hopes and dreams that one day we will live together, although, at this stage I am not ready to do this with the reality of his constant mood changes on a daily basis. I know that would be too much pressure for us both.

There are times I've wondered if I also have BPD, due to the fact I am quite similar to him in many ways.  My therapist does not think I have, because of my self awareness.  I guess growing up with a BPD Mother has changed my perception for what I view as normal.



 

Dreamergirl: It works for you and that's all that matters. Not living together certainly prolongs the honeymoon period as it gives your partner something to yearn for. Undoubtedly your life experience with people with BPD allows you move around him and his moods in a way that a 'total' non would probably find very challenging. We are all different, and it's nice to hear a success story of sorts on these boards.  :)

FannyB thank you. Yes, very true, prolonged for sure by not living together! 

I think we both like the yearning.  I grew up yearning for love, so I guess it does feel normal to me, it makes me feel love and loved and I think it does the same for him too.  He fulfills that deep need I have for feeling loved.  Something I feel I was deprived off until I met him.

Here's a question: Does anyone think that the honeymoon phase in BPD relationships lasts longer than it would be otherwise?

I felt like like the first year and a few months was pure honeymoon with my ex, then it just changed. It's strange, how  our BPD relationships can basically be tracked down and plotted in a way where when the honeymoon phase ends, the relationship is basically over. Just a ticking time bomb.  lol

I don't even think I got the honeymoon phase with my uBPDex.  He vomited his life out to me on the second night, and then on the third night... .I was so skeptical about love when I met him, he probably figured it was his only option and that I wasn't going to buy the lovey dovey stuff... .but I freaked out and pulled the plug anyway... .there was nothing he could've done I think. THAT must be tough for someone with BPD. He found a replacement though, so I don't feel all that bad.  I was bailing on anyone and anything at that point in my life.

That certainly says it all Valet! It is still a shock to me, less than 2 weeks after the last abandonment, when I look back and see the pattern you just described so well. It's like another punch in the stomach to recognize that the end was already foretold that early on. I did live in fear after the end of the honeymoon that my partner was losing feeling for me and would eventually leave, but there is something painful to see that I was right the whole time. I didn't/don't want to be right.

It's sad we keep falling into the Fog

Sadder yet that they can't see the beauty of a lasting relationship as it matures.

They haven't got the emotional stamina for the long haul. It would be like Usain Bolt trying to run a marathon at full pace! PwBPD prefer a series of sprints!

Mine was to be constantly entertained they can't settle in comfort they need the next "buzz" the next "adventure"

I dont believe mine cared at all for me in a deep passionate way. I was just a place holder until her life got back on track and some one more befitting of her social status and lifestyle came along. I think she was embarassed of me.

I love this quote!  This is what I think my ex thought love was.  When he first left me he told me he wasn't "in love" with me anymore.  I think once those intense feelings fade away they think well, this must not be the right one.  "we just aren't meant for each other"  and he sabotaged the relationship completely until I started snapping then he could blame me for the ending of the relationship. 
Dreamergirl - I have to say I got a little jealous reading this.  I wished that my ex and I had taken it slower and not moved in right away.  I know the honeymoon would have lasted longer as well.  But we were inseparable from the start, both wanting to spend every minute together.  I have never loved anyone the way I love him and even after he left the first time I begged him to try dating and do things we didn't do the first time around but he wouldn't have it.  We did recycle a few times but he would always ruin it with some sort of fit, usually in a very short period of time.  Like we would have a good night then the next night BAM fighting.  I am still very sad that we couldn't make it work.  He did have a lot of amazing qualities.  Also, I can relate to the Mother thing.  I belive mine was BPD now too.  I always knew she was mentally ill just didn't know about personality disorders.  Being with him really brought this to light though because at the end I feel like I was begging him to love me the way I had always wanted my mother to love me.  Also, I have realized that every relationship I've ever been in has been abusive in some way, though nothing compares to the level of this one.  I have been conditioned for it from childhood.  I'm glad to have this realization now so I can work through it.  I wish you the best of luck in your relationship! 

leftconfused, thank you for wishing me luck.  I really understand when you say you felt like you were craving the love from him you never received from your mother.  I have felt the same way, many times.  Sometimes when he holds me in his arms, it just touches a place so deep inside of me, an emptiness left from my childhood, the love I craved so badly.

Like you, I have also realized all my prior relationships have been abusive, in an emotional sense.  I've accepted the abusive emotional side, because I've never truly experienced emotionally healthy.  I read what a healthy relationship is truly like, and I understand logically, and I wish I could have that, but I feel damaged from my own childhood experiences, so I think that makes me quite vulnerable to men who are not emotionally healthy.