BPDFamily.com

I think we all lie at some point, little lies, white lies... .but I know my BPDx tossed out a few good ones.

Best one yet was during our last recycle. We had committed to going to church every Saturday evening cause I had to work on Sundays and it was one of her "promises" she would commit to if we got back together. She did well for several weeks. One Saturday I had not heard from her all day and so I texted and called several times, no responses.

I went ahead and went to church by myself. The following day she gave this sappy story that her sister had a close friend that had passed and she was comforting her distraught sister and her and her kids had stayed night. Seemed a little fishy, but I never thought she would use her sister. Anyway, the next night we are talking and she asks me if I knew a plumber. I told her I did and she goes on to tell me that her sister had "called her last night" all frantic that the water heater busted and my X then goes on to tell me that she was really concerned about her kids? That's when I looked her dead in the eye and asked her... ."I thought you said you also stayed the night too... .why would you be concerned about kids if you were also there?"

Of course after about 5 seconds of silence she stammered and tried to recover.

That was the beginning of the end this last time cause she HATED to be busted.

What is this all about?

dagwoodbowser,

I was with my Ex for 6 years. We have two kids together. Though she was always emotionally dysregulating, such that I was walking on eggshells, and diagnosed with depression, lying was a new trait that she exhibited during her detachment from me and towards and affair partner.

It's tough to sort through the past while we are in the process of detaching from our ex significant others or spouses. We may think, "this is a person I never knew," or conclude that their moral values are opposed to ours. If they mirrored us, it makes it all the more confusing. pwBPD have an unstable sense of self. That was there before they met us, and they take it with them. From the 30,000 ft view, the mirroring (for example) looks like lying. It is, but it's an unhealthy coping mechanism for them. It's about emotional or even, I would say, existential survival.

Christine Lawson, in Understanding the Borderline Mother (http://www.[url=https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/christine_lawson.htm)(a book I would recommend to most Leavers here, because it helped me understand my Ex), says:

"Some borderlines consciously distort the truth in order to prevent abandonment, maintain self-esteem, or avoid conflict. Others may lie to evoke sympathy, attention, and concern. From the borderline’s perspective, however, lying feels essential to survival. (Although not all borderlines consciously lie, all borderlines experience perceptional distortions.) When desperation drives behavior such as lying or stealing, they feel innocent of wrongdoing and do not feel guilt or remorse. Apologies are rare, therefore, and borderlines may be confused about why others expect them to feel remorse. They believe that others would do what they did in order to survive. Their explanation is succinct, “But I had to!” Thus the borderline is unconcerned with the consequences of lying because she feels she had no other option."

"Because I had to!" This tracks with what my Ex used to say to me about her cheating, "maybe it had to happen," or a year after she left as she was hugging me desperately, "I wish things could have been different!"

We can say it's them not taking accountability. Again, from the 30k ft view, that's true, but it's all they know. As my therapist said, "This is who she is. I sense that a lot of your anger stems from you expecting her to be someone she is not." She did it, and still does it (lies of omission) because that's how she copes. She knows nothing else. You don't know what you don't know.

Mine left over a year ago. I co-parent, so I need to have contact. I will say that I still have anger. However, I keep reminding myself of what my T said. She is who she is. We aren't together. I don't need to caretake, or feel responsible for her feelings anymore. Who am I now? To be perhaps a bit cynical, I keep thinking, "how can I make her smaller in my life, not only in reality, but emotionally?"

Thank you for sharing this, Turkish. I feel like I'm close to the last leg of "acceptance" of her disorder - but my anger still rears up, and it is exactly what your therapist described. It's almost as though I'm angry at her for being disordered; as though she has a "choice" to be healthy but she passed it up in favor of being disordered.      I know when I can finally and completely accept that she is disordered my anger will largely dissipate.

The memories will remain; the lying, the cheating, the discard - but the acceptance that she was disordered will lessen my emotional entanglement with it.