BPDFamily.com

Every few months, we dance the same dance.

Sis (tragically, while crying):  "I gotta find a place for ME.  Where I can just BE, you know? My life here is all doing for her, cooking for her, buying for her.  There's nothing left of ME, sis.  It's all gone.  I have no hope.  No. Hope."

Mom (panicky, while patting her heart):  "She's been awful all week.  Screaming at the dogs.  Fighting with the neighbors.  I can't live like this, I'm so anxious.  I took a xanax, but I'm so tired.  I told her to get the hell out."  Me:  "Mom, we've talked about this before.  You know you can't legally kick her out on demand.  You have to give her 30 days notice, but you could go to a motel for a while."  Mom:  "Get it for me. Get me the notice.   I can handle her for 30 days."

It's heart-wrenching.  I know they both speak the truth.  Sometimes, it's more dramatic.

Sis (angrily, nearly violent):  "I'm stuck in this f*cking hell hole, where I'm treated like a second-class citizen!  I can't have anything I want in life because she always takes the side of that c*ck-s*cking neighbor!  He puts up a fence that blocks our sun for the entire length of the yard, but she won't let plant one f*cking tomato plant!  She called the cops on me again!"

Mom (whispering conspiratorily, as if I'm in on something):  "There's a grocery bag in the garage.  Please take it with you when you leave."  Me:  "Okay . . .  What's in it?"  Mom:  "I'll tell you later."  In the bag, I find every knife in the house.  Because she's afraid of sis.  I've been afraid of her, too.  As have two neighbors, other family members, and some of her coworkers.  But, Mom won't leave with me and begs me not to call any authorities.

I show up a day or two later, the 30-day notice in the car.  This will be the third time I've filled out one of these for Mom to give to sis.

 

Sis (in a warm, generous manner):  "Mom and I have had a wonderful day.  I made us french toast from homemade bread with fresh raspberries.  Would you like some?  I hung her sheets outside, and now she's napping on wonderfully fragrant spring air! We've decided to just get along, because we both need each other.  We're doing great together and we know it will work.  Wanna see my new shoes?"

Me (in amazement):  "Mom?"

Mom (unconcerned):  "She's making sense now; it's really nice between us.  I don't want to move.  I don't want her on the streets. You don't understand because you're not a mother."  Me:  "Mom, you're not safe here."   Mom:  "I haven't been for a long time."  (How's THAT for logic?)

And the cycle starts again. 

Hi Edgewood,

It sucks to be in this, wash, rinse and repeat cycle your mom and sister keep dragging you into.  Reading your post made me think about "Triangulation" (two people in conflict pulling in a third party) and the "Karpman Triangle" which has to do with the various unhealthy roles that we can play in a triangle (Persecutor, Rescuer & Victim).

If you click on the "GLOSSARY" Tab above you can find more information on "Triangulation" and the "Karpman Triangle".  I think you will recognize some of the dynamic that you are experiencing.

Glad to see you here looking for answers and support.

Hang in there,

Panda39

Hi Panda,

Thanks for your reply.  Yes, the triangulation has existed for as long as I can remember.  Their roles are interchangeable, but I am always the rescuer.  I know that I'm supposed to question what I get from it but I haven't come up with a single thing. It's all bad and I am by no means a martyr.  I know that my family has hit heavily on obligation - you just help your family.  I have family members who think it's awful the way I don't do anything to help.  It may be perpetrated by my guilt.

I have pulled back in the last year and I am happier for it.  I make my decisions for my own happiness and no longer feel guilty for enjoying myself. 

It's the big, dramatic things that impact health and safety that I can't seem to get a handle on.  The times when I hear, "I feel threatened here," or "I want to hang myself."  I don't  know how to stop my reaction.  I fear for them.

They won't stop calling for rescue and I feel like I'm leaving them to (perhaps) die.

Sounds like they have you in the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt).  I'm here because my SO (Significant Other) has an uBPDxw (Undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and I see her use emotional blackmail on her daughters all the time.  The older they get and with support they are becoming more immune to it and are taking care of themselves. SD18 is at this point NC (No Contact) and D14 is LC (Low Contact) talks to her mom a couple times a week.  It sounds like you are putting a little distance between you and your mom and sister which in my opinion is a good idea.  It's absolutely alright to put yourself first and some separation can also give you some perspective.

As far as suicide threats what my SO used to do when he was married was tell his wife that he would call the police when she made those threats (and he did call them a few times).  It does two things it takes you out of the triangle and at the same time you know someone is checking to be sure they are safe. 

I also wanted to ask if you are getting any therapy and suggest it if you're not.  It's a good way to talk honestly with someone about the situation, get some coping skills and some validation for what your are going through.  It sounds like your family has not been very validating when it comes to your experience with your mom and sister. One of the biggest things I've learned being here is that we can't change someone else's behavior we can only change our own.  You have the power to effect change in your life  |iiii

Here is a link to information on FOG... .https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

You might also want to checkout the "Lessons" Links in the box to the right -------------------------------------->

You're not alone and everyone here understands how tough these relationships are and everyone here supports each other.

Thanks, again, Panda!

I'm just beginning to consider that the suicide statements are threats. Honestly, I hadn't thought of that before.

I guess I would say that I'm moving from Limited Contact to Low Contact.  In many ways, my family is quite supportive, so I never expected this to happen.  I do know that it's necessary, though.  Mom seems to be respecting my request for "a break."  I suspect she knows how close I am to completely turning my back.

I have had therapy, which helped immensely with not succumbing to guilt from extended family.  But, I think it will be necessary again if I have to limit them further.

Thank you.