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Just a few minutes ago, I went into the kitchen to pour another cup of coffee.  The coffee pot was empty.  This is a pet peeve of mine.  When someone drinks the last of something they should make more.  Anyway, so I said under my breath... .I guess I wont b having more coffee unless I make another pot.  My u BPD h then said he was thinking about making another pot himself and maybe I should make more so we could both have some.  I was already doing this.  He goes on about how we have enough coffee to make 20 pots.  How as long as he is around i will always have enough coffee, gas, cigarettes, etc.  And on and on and on.  He was getting louder and louder.  I asked him several times to stop.  He kept saying if u stop I will stop.  I pointed out that I had stopped and he kept insisting that I hadn't.   He said my eyes were bugging out and I was being the intense one.  I guess by this point I WAS getting angry but he just wouldnt and still isnt letting it go.  He just came to me while I am typing this and said coffee is done.  I told him I already got some.  He walks away saying I love coffee... .I could drink it all day.  Wth?  I know this is petty but this is exactly the sort of behavior that is making me want to get the he'll away from him.  Any thoughts?

I am sorry. Not the way you want to start the morning... .

Here are my thoughts:

I guess there are a number of reasons that he could have responded the way that he did. Maybe it was a reaction to some guilt that he experienced for having taken the last cup and not making a new pot, possibly knowing that it was something that bothered you. Have you discussed this before? Then, his continuing might have been due to more guilt for the initial response, and so on and so on. Maybe?

I think it is good that you recognized your reaction, due to it being a pet peeve of yours, and tried to stay centered. Also, you largely seem to have depersonalized much of it. None of it was really about you, right? It seems to have started as his passive-aggressive response to seeing you standing there making another pot of coffee, which is about his defenses and abilities to express his emotions, etc.

On the surface, it appears to be a small issue. However, might this small issue be a symptom of your want/need for validation? Small issues like this came up in my previous marriage, and my ex always treated them as small issues of the moment and "couldn't understand why I would make such a big deal out of something so small." However for me, the underlying issue was my want/need for validation and my processing her responses in situations like this as being invalidating. How might you feel if he had said, "oh honey, I am sorry that I took the last cup and didn't  make a new pot; thank you brewing one" and possibly even adding, "do you need any help?"

What do you think?

There is little worse than a morning without enough caffeine to start it. :) Here is a suggestion that may or may not work. When you find yourself getting triggered about something, instead of internalizing it or mumbling about it, meet it head-on, but in a different type of way.

In this case, there was no coffee. You knew you hadn't taken the last cup. You wanted more. What would have happened if you had said, "Honey, the coffee pot is empty. Would you please make another pot? I'll be back in a minute."  And disappeared into another room. Would he have made another pot? My H would have, because I didn't accuse or invalidate, simply asked for that which I wanted. This might not work in your case, it depends on the person and circumstances.

My point being that sometimes we can get what we want by way of left field if we think before we act. There is no value in being upset over the coffee pot being empty. It's still going to be empty, no matter what. But there IS value in showing the person who forgot to make more coffee see that they can make it all better by making more coffee NOW.

Your H was going on and on about how there would always be enough *whatever* to prove to you and himself that he has value, even if he forgot to make more coffee. He most likely would have dropped it if you had validated what he felt: that he is a worthy individual because he provides for the household.

Your first response could easily be taken in a sarcastic snippy way, he got stuck on it  and blind to whatever follows. Saying nothing gives him space to attribute thoughts to you of his wanting to validate his own rising anger. Natural progressing then is to prod you until you are angry and hence "exposing" this hidden anger of yours (his perception). This validates you as the persecutor and proves his position as a victim.

What to do, Clarify how you feel, clarify that it is not a big deal, and it is not your intend to attack him.

If he persists disengage and leave before it triggers an escalating response from you.

Your first response was obviously triggered based on  you thinking "this is just typical of what happens". Its not this issue that is the problem it is dealing with this often thoughtless trait of pwBPD. In the short term you are not going to stop this, you can only manage your initial reaction. Reactive responses are what often kick start escalation.

I don't know about your husband, but the pwBPD in my life says that in a situations like the episode you described he just can't stop. Sometimes he starts to push my buttons, and even though i try gently stopping what was going, he doesn't stop. I try to politely draw a boundary and say taht i'm not listening anymore and take a physical leave. Afterwards, when we go trhough what happenend he says that it's like he _has to_ do it. Sometiems he is really pissed off if I don't start the fight with him, if i stay calm and don't take the bait. (And no, unfortunatley i don't manage to avoid the baits always and he really really knows what to say and how to make me loose my temper).