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If I had any wishes about how I'd handled this break up it would be to go and stay NC sooner. Nothing ever changes, any contact with my exW always leaves me feeling much worse than I had before, even if the contact is fairly benign.

I'll be pleased to no longer think "This time last year" and feel sad & lonely over things we used to do. It's incredible how the brain remembers the singular happy time vs the raft of tears, anger and desperation.

After one year, it's clear to me that I have had unhealthy attachments, codependency and poor sense of self, I've put myself last in so many transactions and not just with my ex, continually, at work, with financial obligations, my health. However, I am changing my thoughts and long held beliefs on this day by day and gradually getting my entire life in order, not just my emotional detachment from my exW.

The "What the heck was I thinking/doing" thoughts occupy more than 80% of any thoughts that still cross my mind about my ex, sometimes I'm embarrassed at how I acted during the break up, sometimes I'm embarrassed I married her at all but these thoughts are far better than the pain of those initial months and any contact we've had.

Most importantly, the pain from the addiction (as this is what we had, for me I don't believe it was true healthy love) has subsided and it has been replaced with an optimism for the future. For getting my beliefs in order, for getting and staying healthy, progressing in my career and joy has come back to simple things I couldn't be bothered to do, my hobbies from before I met my ex who trashed all my hobbies and friends. I can sit and read books for hours and not think of her at all, be perfectly contented.

I no longer feel sad my marriage has ended, I feel relieved that at least I didn't stay any longer, putting us both through more misery and perhaps even having a child. I feel blessed and pleased with myself that despite terrible form, codependency issues etc, that when it truly got to the deep end I did finally manage to bail out despite being so addicted to the relationship. There are even times when I laugh at myself for getting caught up in such a crazy woman who clearly had no care or respect for me at all. I believe now I deserve far better and look forward to meeting her.

Wow!  |iiii

thanks for sharing, it's so impotant to have someone on the other side telling these things. Gives hope, directions and motivations.

great to hear - and the picture of you reading for hours - content, at peace... .ah, bliss!

I know how you feel. The What the heck was i thinking thing is something that looms the mind quite a bit and also the deep shame and embarassment i have that this horrible BPD woman is the mother of my child. Nothing will ever make me feel better about that. I hardly talk to anyone about my kid as, since everyone knows all the crazy crap she did, the giant elephant in the room is what a piece of garbage the X is.

Just like to amend this a little, I am not judging (and know you didn't take it that way), anyone who does have children with their BPD sig others. I am not in that situation through luck rather than judgement and one year ago I doubt I could have judged better for myself. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. And I feel lucky to not be tied to my ex.

Regarding embarrassment, I still haven't faced everyone who knew about our short marriage. This past week I visited an old stomping ground and got a lot of ribbing about my ex. I do prefer this, knowing (though why didn't they tell me at the time!) how much my friends and family fervently disliked my ex, with examples (!) makes me feel validated, 6 months ago, it hurt.

Hi Trog

"After one year, it's clear to me that I have had unhealthy attachments, codependency and poor sense of self, I've put myself last in so many transactions and not just with my ex, continually, at work, with financial obligations, my health."

These are important insights - it takes courage to face up to ourselves |iiii

I can see these traits in myself too. What do you think is the best way to tackle them?

"Most importantly, the pain from the addiction (as this is what we had, for me I don't believe it was true healthy love) has subsided and it has been replaced with an optimism for the future. For getting my beliefs in order, for getting and staying healthy, progressing in my career and joy has come back to simple things I couldn't be bothered to do, my hobbies from before I met my ex who trashed all my hobbies and friends. I can sit and read books for hours and not think of her at all, be perfectly contented."

Again it sounds like you're doing some really good work. I know it's not easy - well done  |iiii

"I no longer feel sad my marriage has ended, I feel relieved that at least I didn't stay any longer, putting us both through more misery and perhaps even having a child. I feel blessed and pleased with myself that despite terrible form, codependency issues etc, that when it truly got to the deep end I did finally manage to bail out despite being so addicted to the relationship."

I think it's really healthy and important to remember our positive behaviour. It's easy to lose sight of it when we feel overwhelmed with pain and loss.

Thanks for sharing this Trog. Hearing about the progress of others really helps us all to move forward

Reforming

"After one year, it's clear to me that I have had unhealthy attachments, codependency and poor sense of self, I've put myself last in so many transactions and not just with my ex, continually, at work, with financial obligations, my health."

The best way to tackle them?

Understanding your value on a mental level and then making efforts to take actions to improve your life. I have a sibling who is very overweight, she stays at home all day and is without any ambition, her life is dire but her prison is totally self made. While I'm not quite on this level in the physical world I had built a prison of limitations, my ex came along and just helped make the blueprint a water tight reality, and I let her. My life could be even better than today, and its much better than last year already.

I think unhealthy attachments comes from not understanding your self worth or contribution, how not to do this in love, with work etc, you need to take some stock and see things in a balanced way, truth is, if you are not authentic or self-aware you will always negotiate a bad deal in all these things and end up cheating yourself. I wanted to be with my ex so badly I compromised so many things, big and small to get the "pleasure" of getting her, I choked on that, nothing is worth compromising your values or being inauthentic for. I finally realised it is OK to let people down and not do things you REALLY dont want to do, in the end, you ruin it for everyone and resent it. Resentment is the poison that has killed most of my relationships, even the better ones. I'm going to suggest and do what I want from now on and that feels awesome

" I had built a prison of limitations, my ex came along and just helped make the blueprint a water tight reality, and I let her. My life could be even better than today, and its much better than last year already."

I can really relate to this. I don't take responsibility for my exes choices or condone her behaviour, but I'm willing to take responsibility for my own behaviour, understand it and do my best to move forward

"I think unhealthy attachments comes from not understanding your self worth or contribution, how not to do this in love, with work etc, you need to take some stock and see things in a balanced way, truth is, if you are not authentic or self-aware you will always negotiate a bad deal in all these things and end up cheating yourself. I wanted to be with my ex so badly I compromised so many things, big and small to get the "pleasure" of getting her, I choked on that, nothing is worth compromising your values or being inauthentic for. I finally realised it is OK to let people down and not do things you REALLY dont want to do, in the end, you ruin it for everyone and resent it. Resentment is the poison that has killed most of my relationships, even the better ones"

I agree that learning to be comfortable in your own skin, to love yourself in healthy way is a great foundation for happiness and healthy boundaries.

As I learned to know myself better and value who I am I've found it easier to say no or walk away when it's appropriate

Have you been working with a T?

Reforming

Hey

Only a few sessions, however I have been listening to an online coach and I feel that has helped me gain a lot of perspective and helped me understand that I am gift. Why would anyone want to be with a person who doesn't appreciate how incredible they are or give them (and infact deliberately with-hold) the love and respect they need. It helped me realise I have value with or without a partner and when i do CHOOSE a partner, they're fricken lucky to be chosen, my thinking before ALWAYS came from lack and scarcity. This is why i tried to hang onto this fantasy as opposed to the reality of what my married life was. Scared of not finding better. I always knew, if i could be guaranteed a timeframe and a new woman, I'd leave my exW in a heartbeat, but this uncertainty was so painful for me and avoiding that pain was more important that the immensely better pleasure I will find from a better suited relationship.

how did it specifically end?  what was the last few months like?

For her, it would have come as a surprise. I kicked her out. The last few months were as bad as the months prior however there was some extra stress around and I'd just had enough. I could not cope with her blame shifting and hysterics, suicide threats anymore. If you stop and think with a clear head, hitting people in the face, slashing at herself, threats of violence and threats of calling police, it's just madness to tolerate that - I am the frog that almost boiled to death! But not quite 

You have to keep reminding yourself of a) their behaviours (not words) and b) your own value and self worth - if you keep those two things at front and centre, that you will NOT tolerate abuse, you DESERVE reciprocity, love and appreciation, IMO it's the quickest way out of the fog. For many us how we have been treated, and allowed ourselves to be treated, is a shock, one we must wake up from and stop pining after abusive ghsftjdngstds who many times don't even want us and are so hopeless as to not be a catch even if they did.

I agree that fear fuelled by low self worth can keep a lot either stuck or drawn into these relationships. I'm glad that online coaching is helping. How did you find therapy?

Reforming