BPDFamily.com

My intro post can be found here for anyone who wants to read my backstory. (Pretty sure I posted it.in the wrong place, and fyi it is LONG!)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275546.msg12609975#msg12609975 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275546.msg12609975#msg12609975)

How to balance staying away with not going away?

One of the only friends I have told the entire story to does not have children, but recommended distancing myself to give my BFF time to miss me. The thing is my understanding is that usually a person who exhibits Borderline behaviors may base their value of you on your last interaction. Therefore I didn't really want to leave it at "GGet out of my life!" as the last thing she said to me. Plus we have a barn in common do I am bound to run into her from time to time. Also, there are our daughters to consider, close in age and also best friends; but unfortunately not allowed to play together because BFF won't allow it.

Earlier today munchkin (my daughter) and I were talking. BFF came up and munchkin said she misses her friend and asked if BFF is angry with her (my guess is because she won't let them play). I do not want her to think she has done anything wrong so since we were already heading that way I stopped at the barn a few minutes so she could see herself. Munchkin jumped up and down as soon as she saw her and that made me so happy. BFF came up to her, said hi, and gave her a hug. They chatted a few minutes and then we left. To me this was a good thing for my daughter, however I can't help wondering if I am supposed to write off BFF and her daughter to make munchkin forget so she doesn't miss them.

Advice and thoughts much appreciated... .

Hi Dear BFF

I think you have been caught in the rescuer role of a the drama triangle that pwBPD often weave around themselves. It is very likely that your position of rescuer will not be permanent and at some stage it will be your turn to be on the outer.

So what to do? First thing is to recognize what is happening here and take action to avoid being drawn into situations that could end up causing you distress.

Some further reading in the link below.

PERSPECTIVES: Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0)

I would be very careful of over involvement with the kids as they can be hurt very easily. However there is no need to make a big issue of it. Kids are fairly adaptable and if they catch up when you catch up, and dont when you dont they will adapt to that.

In short, dont do catch ups just for the sake of the kids.

waverider, thank you for your response!

I've taken a look at the triangle and there is no doubt that I have been in the rescuer position a few times in our relationship, though I didn't necessarily realize it or think that was a bad thing.  I see now though that with the role reversals of the triangle it can turn on a dime.  Is there anyway to remain outside of the triangle?  I don't think I'm actually in any of the positions right now although maybe victim.  She has decided I have wronged her (dunno the specifics of what she didn't tell me, lol) and she booted me without barely an explanation, so we are on a break which is fine with me as it's allowed me to regroup, separate my emotions from hers and be in a much better place to be there for her if she needs me.  (Not fix anything for her, just be there like a friend not a rescuer.)

Right now I would say I feel distress over our daughters not being able to hang out, since she always said she'd never let anything with us get in the way of them being friends.  She may have meant it at the time, but now I am seeing how obviously she doesn't mean it now since she is withholding the girls from one another (or from me not sure which).  The thing is (and I would never say this to her as it would illicit a HUGE rage) I see how much this behavior mimics her soon-to-be ex-husband's.  He told her when she could have her daughter, he choose the days, if he changes his mind, the schedule changes, if he wants her earlier he gets her early, etc.  There is almost no compromise and in the past if she did something to upset him, like when she left after his last affair he withheld their daughter until she came back to punish her and get her to do what he wanted.  Now I feel in almost the same position, she knows how much the girl's relationship means to me and sometimes I feel like she won't allow them to hang out just as her husband would when she wasn't doing what he wanted.

The girls have had such fun times together and I think about times coming up like my daughter's birthday in a few months and I can't imagine her best friend not being there.  So much so I would want to call her soon-to-be ex-husband to pick up the little one so the girls can enjoy a day together, but I know this would cause my best friend to rage.  Is there no way I can get her to see she is only punishing herself and the girls with her behavior?  I'm realizing I'm more ok with the distance, but I hate her daughter thinking we don't love or want to be with her, especially if she thinks my daughter doesn't want to be her friend anymore as that couldn't be further from the truth.

Thank you!