BPDFamily.com

I was swiping on Tinder (yep, I'm not above it), when I saw my ex. I wasn't upset exactly. I mean obviously she has every right to seek something new out just as I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, my emotional reaction was visceral because you can't help but play through any number of scenarios that is painful.

But my next,  more coherent reaction? Truthfully, I was happy because it most likely meant things didn't work out with the first guy she saw after we broke up. Not proud of that thought, but it is what it is.

I do appreciate your honesty in this post. So how far out are you from the breakup, and how are you feeling about the relationship overall?

I'm a few months removed from the breakup, and I'm generally doing well, but every so often I have days that are very emotional. Today was one of those days ha. I had the thought I had, but it was just a thought. I truly wish her well in her future relationships. It was a difficult relationship, and one in which I don't think I was treated with enough respect, but I definitely still miss it and her sometimes. It's not rational, but it's not unmanageable either.

Thanks for the reply. I am in a similar pattern. I am about 5 months post her moving out. There was a little over a month after she moved out  where we continued communicating and saw each other about every over day or sometimes more, still filled with dysregulation but more passive-aggressive (significantly lower in frequency and intensity than the rages when we lived together) and a little manic with big ideas and plans but no follow through.  Then she basically went no contact. After her not responding to a few emails, I assumed that she was in a state where she wanted to be left alone, so I decided to go low contact (just leaving communication lines open to her and responding if she contacts me; a decision and story for another thread... .)

The daily anxiety and depression have passed, but I still have moments and days that are very tough. I think that there are triggers for those moments and days. If I accept and embrace  that I am just missing her, it seems to pass pretty quickly, though not always (maybe that is when I am still fighting at some level). But I feel soo much better compared to the how I felt prior to and just after she moved out, and I feel better pretty much every day, clearer and with less worry about who I am and the relationship.

I definitely owe a lot of that to the members of these boards! Many thanks to all of you for sharing you stories, wisdom, and time.