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So heres something new.  I don't know what sprung it up. Maybe all the WANTING TO BREAK N/C, and FEELINGS OF LOVE and MISSING FOR THE EX DURING THE WEEKEND.

So I'm watching tv last night.  M (9yo Girl) pops up in my head.  Okay, so she is part of the whole rigamarole I agree.  but I start thinking now.  As much as this kid pissed me off at times, as much as the love/hate for her was there because she was the product of dysfunction, i did have a 4 year relationship with the kid too.  So what bothered me?  I told this kid time and time and time again that I never lie and I would ALWAYS be there for her.  So now I LIED and I ABANDONED her.  JERK A-HOLE ME.  I'm feeling guilty- YES, but I'm feeling that I didn't do what I said and I outright proved it to this child that is never gonna forget this.

I would like to write the kid a letter.  I can get around why it took me so long, but if A allows her to read it or reads it to her, it might help with me being a b**tard.

What are your thoughts on this?

Also the ex can say, if I don't contact the kid, that I didn't care and he lied to you!

As much as I know this is contact, I felt so strongly about what lesson I am teaching the kid.  Thoughts please.

Hi DL,

I left under similar circumstances. The weekend that my exBPDbf bailed, his little girl was at her mom's. I don't think he told her that I'd be gone when she came back, so I can only imagine what she felt and thought. I tried hard to be a stable adult in her life and poof! I disappear.

I've thought about reaching out or writing a letter but I doubt if she'd be allowed to talk to me or read anything from me. I say that because I'm sure there's an epic smear campaign going against me. My only hope is that she remembers the good things, but I know the kid doesn't have any chance of having a normal r/s when she grows up. She's already met a parade of daddy's dates and now he's engaged to someone after six weeks of being together. I remember her asking him about his previous gf when we first started dating. The example he sets for her is not good.

I feel a responsibility too, about what this has taught her. But I've kind of given up. It's not my place to explain things to her now that I'm gone. Hopefully at some point she can figure out the pattern of her dad's failed r/s's.

This is a tough situation, DL. It's sad to see a parent with PD traits and think about how they will affect children. I've seen it with a dBPD in my life whom I've known for 30 years.

It sounds like you care a lot about this little girl, and maybe even love her. it also sounds like you had a good r/s with her. She is, however, a little girl, and needs to be protected and validated from adult concerns.

You're not in a step-parent role anymore, and that's tough given your feelings. The primary relationship you had, however, was between you and her mom. That's over, and the secondary r/s you had with her daughter is also lost as well, sadly. So what's best for a 9yo little girl? Step back a minute... .would the letter be more for her, or more of a way to soothe what you feel? What's your responsibility to her now, given that you and her mom are no longer together?

In response to everyone... .Thank you.  I think it would be more for me, now that I've taken the day to think on it.  I hate all this stuff about what has happened.

Today I'm working on my PRO and CON list about the ex.  It's helping, but the feeling of love I have for her is not dwindeling as fast as I'd like it to.  I know that all this is supposed to be therapy, but I'm getting to the point where I can't turn it off.  No one looks like they could fit the bill as replacement to the ex... .nor do I conciously think I want to have a replacement.  I get to one mental epiphanny and then I board the rollercoaster of doom.  I would find a therapist in a heartbeat if I could afford one.  Got no money and still trying to get on my feet.  Trying still to figure out how to live again.  (just reading that last statement, triggered me into ANGER against the ex.)  She didn't have to do what she did.  Someone mentioned to me that she probably never thought I would leave... .that I would beg her to keep me and such... .but I called her bluff by leaving... .