BPDFamily.com

Whew... .another day of yelling and screaming, recriminations etc etc.  21 year old child with many BPD traits. Hasn't been "officially " diagnosed but man... .lots of symptoms that match. How do we find a competent counselor with extensive BPD experience.  We have concerns about who can "help" our kid.  thanks for any input.

Hello, EMS & *welcome*

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with a child with BPD, but so happy you have found us! One place to find some professional help for your daughter would be this site: National Alliance for Mental Illness (http://www.nami.org/Find-Your-Local-NAMI), unless you live in a country that isn't covered. There is a search bar on that site where you can put in your location and find help... .

I'd also like to suggest that you check out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page; the TOOLS and THE LESSONS will give you a very good idea of how to deal with the yelling, screaming and recriminations... .And starting at the very top and working your way down the links will give you a very good overview of how your daughter's mind works (if she does indeed have BPD, or BPD traits).

Do you have other children? Does your daughter live at home? Is she in school? Does she have friends? I can so identify with your desire to help your daughter have a better and healthier life; all of us parents on this Board can commiserate with that tough road... .It's really horrible watching the child you love do self-destructive actions and/or hurting so much though life, and feeling helpless about it all. Please tell us more about what is going on with your daughter, and how you are doing. We want to help, EMS 

Thank you Rapt Reader,

Our 21 year old son is the child of concern.  We have an older daughter who is "up and out".  So thankfully there are no other kids involved in this daily drama.  I'm just now starting to read everything I can get my hands on to try to understand whether our son does in fact have BPD.  He's certainly fits much of the criteria that I've seen so far.  Dropped out of high school, can't hold a job, substance abuse, manipulative, virtually no self-esteem.  Everything is always totally black and white, no gray areas at all.  He seems to have absolutely no desire to grow, mature, move forward at all.  As parents, we've tried to be as supportive as possible but we're getting pretty weary.  There were no traumas in his early life, stable family home, 2 parents married forever.  The only thing that we believe caused problems in his "early" life is that he's adopted and his appearance is different from ours.  He's always held that up as why he doesn't "fit in".  Although interestingly enough, our extended family (which has been nothing but supportive) has a variety of kids both biological and adopted.  Anyway... .my DH is concerned that if we take him to a counselor (which BTW would be the 5th throughout his life)... .it will just give him another reason to say... ."see... .I can't make it... .I've got a problem and it's not my fault.  There's nothing I can do about my life."  The only times his self-esteem seems to be increased is when he's working but if he's late for one day... .he's ready to throw in the towel and give up.  Getting up in the morning seems to be impossible which helps to explain the numerous lost jobs.  At this point, just trying to figure out how to locate someone in our area that has experience with BPD.  Thanks for your support.

Hi EMS

Welcome to the site!

As Rapt Reader mentions NAMI can be a great resource for local support.  Also the NEABPD as they are specifically addressing BPD.

Locating therapists who have experience and treatments for BPD can be challenging.  One of the targeted treatments for emotional disorders is DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and can be difficult to locate in it's truest form.

One resource to locate a well trained DBT therapist is behavioraltech.llc  They provide a geographical list of therapists.  It's a place to start.  Sometimes contacting a resource that is too far away and asking them for a referral in your area is helpful.

Check it out and see if it is helpful.

We are here for support 24/7 as well.  We want to help.

lbjnltx

Hi EMS,

I'm sorry your son is struggling, and that you're the target of his rage and angst. That's not easy, and like you say -- very wearying. It's hard to watch our kids not hit the milestones we hope they will, or watch them fail over and over at what seem like simple things (waking up in the morning).

I found with my son that if he feels different or "less than," my job is to accept that. He's my biological child, and he's a cutie, very bright, receiving gifted services, kids like him. I can see no reason why he thinks other kids don't like him. In fact, I see all kinds of evidence to the contrary. Yet he experiences severe self-loathing and to sum it up, he doesn't feel chosen. This is real to him. When he was experiencing suicidal ideation, first when he was 8, and again when he was 11, and more recently after he turned 13, I had to learn that how I see his reality felt invalidating to him. If I say, "I love you, everyone loves you, you're great, your life is good," he does not hear what I am trying to say. When I say, "You must feel so sad. I can see in your eyes, and the way you're holding your body that you are extremely sad. Did something happen to make you feel this way?" He feels heard, like someone is bearing witness to his pain.

I validate how he feels. I accept that this the way he sees things and feels about his life. I don't have to agree, just accept. It doesn't necessarily mean that the conflict goes away. It does seem to mean that the conflict does not escalate.

This is probably the most important skill I've learned. We have more work to do -- the psychiatrist working with my son feels we are slowly getting my son to a place where he can begin labeling his feelings and describing them, plus observing them and figuring out flash points so he can use more effective skills (other than blaming, projecting, feeling flooded, etc.) to help him when he feels so alone and different than everyone else.

The benefit of these skills is that it also allowed my son to see me vulnerable. There have been times when I have asked him to be patient with me, and that let him see that we are a dynamic, two people learning to understand each other. It helps to adopt a sense of curiosity about S13 and what it's like for him, instead of always feeling worried or anxious or mad or disappointed or scared.