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one of the biggest things ive realized about this relationship, and its something im grateful for, is for my BPDex " waking me the ef up"  about my own insecurities, my self esteem issues etc.

i put up with so much blatant disrespect, so much bs, i realized her and other people not respecting me as a man was a reflection of how i carried myself, how i interacted, and the lack of boundaries i have set.

as crazy as it sounds, of course your BPDex might have taken advantage of you or used you, look at how you carry yourself, how she in no way will feel safe and at ease with you as a self respecting person.

if she doesnt respect you, shell never love you.  something to think about

its actually a gift because every relationship will end badly if you fail to work on yourself and the weaknesses your BPDex revealed in you.  not just romantic relationships, but life in general.  youll be ate alive.

something i thought about today

I so hear you, McGahee21!  You are right.  I feel likewise that as much as I hate having found myself in this crazy, disordered r/s, I am grateful it has glaringly shone the light on my OWN issues.  Though I really HATE the issues this has created for my daughter. 

Just today it occurred to me that I am wickedly ripe for hooking up with a BPD partner.  It is a wonder I didn't do so sooner.  I hate to admit that but it is true.  I have wanted that instant intensity, fall in love, can't live without each other fantasy.  I have never had it (probably b/c that isn't normal) but spent a lifetime longing for it.  And boy did I get it!  In spades.  Holy Toledo!

So, yes, like you, I am left with a lot of grist for my very own mill.  Much to work on.  Much to learn from.  Much to be grateful for lest I repeat the same mistakes again. 

Thanks for your insight!

Great insight.

I had read a commentary a while back that the response to many or these relationships fell into two categories - one was those who got into the trenches with the disordered person - and one was those who struggle with the relationship but not become immersed in the dysfunction - the former struggling the most when the relationship fractured.

Hey McGahee21: It's great to see this kind of post from you. I've read a few of yours and also responded and at times wondered where you were at as far as examining your boundaries, limits and resolve to make a decision. It's not easy at all. I still bounce from wanting zero to do with my X, to at times badly missing her but this board, reading about the same patterns in other's situations and confronting the realities of our own mistakes as well as the poor behaviors we allowed from someone that claims to care for us, has helped tremendously. Not only that, my very own pain and suffering which quite frankly I'm tired of it. Each day I have to ask myself. ":)o I want to continue living in this kind of torment with this person." Right now I am hurting from the separation, but I am regaining back Control of my emotions and not allowing another person's highs, lows and flat out disrespect make me feel shame, anger or sadness. Yeah, it's sort of a dual edged sword, but I had multiple Chances and it was always the outcome was always the same and more intense.

Keep at it. I'm close to 50 days N/C, most i've ever done. I'm a middle aged man so if I can, you can!

Dagwood, I got just one thing to say.  Middle aged doesn't mean crap.  Hear me out.  You are a great guy and age is just a number.  I was thinking about the age thing too.  If I listen to myself about my age, I feel like: "why should I even bother... .life is almost over".  I'm 59 years young, and getting better!  Yes we can do it... .YES YES YES.

What all this boils down to is that if you didn't break your knee, the cancer would never be found.  So we thank our BPDex's for this, and it's understandable to turn negative into positive for the sake of our own selves.  I really don't wanna buy it though.  If she didn't pull her BPD stuff on me, I'd be doing just fine.  If I didn't meet her, then I'd be in the aftermath of the R/S before that too.  That would have been easier to get over too because she wasn't unstable in the same way the BPD was.  The BPD is a whole new game.  So as much as I'd like to forgive her, I would like to have her feel what the consequences are all about.  There is not one person on earth that deserves to go thru what us NON'S go thru as S.O.'s of pwBPD.  (I'm not talking child molesters or stuff like that)  So it's a serious think that they put us thru. Put all of us sufferers in a room together... .that's a lot of hurting people.  So while we are all in a room, the expwBPD are out galavanting around doing their "thing of destruction"!  I guess, YES, I'm mad... .I'm tired of crying and I can't WAIT to get over all this.  I'm actually afraid at certain points that I'm going to just revert to wanting to break the N/C with her because I love her.  As the rollercoaster pulls up: "all aboard!"