BPDFamily.com

Just wondering but I think my xBPDfiance did her grieving in the r/s hence why it was easy for her to "cut and run"

Is this something they do ? It would also explain why she has hardly reached out etc

I can totally agree. Both my exs seemed to have decided the relationship was over long before I realised it. There was a definite period of change in their attitude towards me but they continued with the relationship as if nothing had changed. This period was when I became painted black and nothing I did was ever good enough or right.

Its push / pull with growing pushing its a terrible sneaky hurtful and selfish way to treat another person .

They don't have the guts to end it or the maturity to work through the issues my xs reason was "she was hoping things would get better" how ? If the o/h does not even know there's problem/s that need to be fixed

At the heart of BPD is emotional immaturity - their development has been suspended in time due to serious trauma. This is why their "adult" r/s's don't usually last.

Many are capable of long term r/s though ?

The people I know who are coupled in long term marriages with pwBPDs or suspected BPDs appear to have a high need or tolerance for distance between themselves and their partners, so the lack of intimacy works for them. They also appear to have a realistic view of their partner's limitations, which they tolerate with a thickened skin and dark humor. The relationships they have aren't ones I would want---they are stable because the non BPD partners don't want as much as I do.

Why do you think so?

Often, it comes down to what the non BPD partner is willing to bear.  If the non BPD partner has abandonment fears or self esteem issues, the non will stay longer - they will put up with more.

Well mine left because the infatuation phase wore out I was quite happy she was high functioning though so I didn't have to put up with as much as most

I'm only going by what I see on the boards people married to BPDers for 20 years etc

Right - I was with my (high functioning, waif) ex for eight years.  The first four were stressful due to her anxiety and abandonment fears, but pretty good overall.  The last four were hellish.  I managed to endure for those last four years - some endure for shorter periods, some longer.

I endured moaning , the need to soothe , low mood , anxiety , her selfish ways , her constant complaints about something but I never saw direct abandonment fears but I never gave her reason to

It was more a high state of stress I was dealing with walking on eggshells

But part of my dysfunction is I crave those types of high conflict r/s

I honestly don't think I would have ever left her tbh when she wasn't acting out she was great company we had fun being together I just loved being with her good and bad

The thing is anything we discussed was more her listening and me teaching with her telling me how amazing I am . the source and font of all wisdom lol

She really didn't have any thoughts or strong opinions on anything that didn't directly relate to her

The above says something about me NARC traits ?

I wouldn't say this is true. My partner and I were together 9.5 yrs. I know for a fact we had emotional intimacy. I also know I didn't have a "high need" for distance between she and I to tolerate her behaviors. I don't have a dark humour nor would I say I needed to be thicked skin to be with her. I wanted plenty and we had plenty emotionally. At the end of the day my uBPDexgf left, I feel sure, because she was triggered by her mother. Sad to think the people you know have to live that way.