BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I just discovered this group and hope it is a good resource, as well as a source of help and advice.

My wife was diagnosed with BPD in December and has been in a DBT skills group since January. She is not currently in individual therapy because we cannot afford it. The skills group has been really good for her, and I'm so glad.

Other than introducing myself, I'm looking for some help asking for things from her... .doing things she said she would, working, helping more around the house. I have the DBT Skills Training workbook and would like to use the D.E.A.R.M.A.N approach. Any thoughts?

Thanks much.

Hi BonnieB, 

Welcome aboard.  You have found a great place for resources, help, support, and advice for relationships with people with BPD (pwBPD).

That is great that your wife is in a DBT skills group. DBT is one of the most effective types of treatment for pwBPD.  I am glad that is working out.  |iiii  It really does help improve things in your relationship. Skills training helps a pwBPD learn tools such as emotional regulation.

The D.E.A.R.M.A.N. approach is a great way to learn how to communicate with your wife.  Also, the skills handbook is fantastic for even non-disordered partners.

What types of behavior are you having the hardest time coping with?

Looking forward to reading your response.

Welcome BonnieB,

good to hear that your wife is in therapy and working on learning skills. You'll find this board a good complement for you to work on.


Dearman is about assertiveness where you push for some change. Where what are you thinking needs to be addressed?

Thank you for the welcome, EaglesJuju and anOught.

Boy, these message board remind me of the internet in the 1990s :-)

Eagles Juju, to answer your question... .there are a lot of behaviors I am having the hardest time coping with. I'm trying to prioritize them as I write.

On the functional/responsibility end, we are struggling financially, and she has been looking for work for about a year. She's picked up a few temporary contract gigs, but, for example, has "talked about" applying for a job at a particular place for about 6 months, but hasn't actually applied. She's applied for other jobs, but our financial house is on fire, and she's not seeking work like someone who is desperately seeking employment. She said she would go to a temp or employment agency, but hasn't. Stuff like that.

I've never used the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. system, but I have the workbook. I guess I am hoping to use it to ask her to do the things she said she would do... .go to an employment agency, take care of the house (we used to have someone clean the house, but can't afford it anymore... .my wife was the one who suggested we let her go so she could take on the duties).

On another, and more immediate, note... .my wife used to be a daily drinker. It was her primary coping mechanism. She has cut down on her drinking dramatically, and I'm proud of her. But on a day like today, after a ___ty mother's day (I have two teenagers), and we just started couples counseling yesterday... .she just texted me to say she's been drinking. I don't want to go home. I'm tired and disappointed. There's nothing to connect to when she drinks. UGH! I suppose this is another behavior I'm really struggling with.

Anyway, there are a ton of messages in this forum. I'm going to try to find the time to spend more time here.

Thank you.

Communication techniques really help. DEARMAN is Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate.  I alternate between DEARMAN and SET. Let me tell you, communication techniques are a godsend. I have been able to discuss things that once triggered my pwBPD, but now I can speak to him about difficult situations. Take a look at this article.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0)

I am sorry about your wife's drinking. I can understand that it can be frustrating. When my bf drinks he can get out of control.  Does your wife get like this?

Keep posting it really helps. There are many of us here going through similar situations.