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As for the breakup it went exactly like this ... .

I'm going to Spain for a few days with xyz I'm going to miss you every day and text you

October : Come backs from Spain looking worried , me (never insecure) you still want to get married right ? Her yes its not like you to be insecure dobie (but I could feel it a disturbance in the force) so how were there guys out there any hot ones me laughing her worried no ermm no . (she cheated I'm sure maybe not sexually but kissing ) she cheated on her x to be with me and then left him and she kissed another guy when they were together so she has "previous"

So she gets back from Spain and the next two weeks she is worse than ever the gf from hell , temper tantrums , shouting at the dog I mean just hell on earth so I distance myself I let her come home and spend the evenings in her bedroom while I tip toe around her .

She can't find her smokes and accuses me of selling them what the heck lo!


We try and have sex she gets irritable shouts at me and I remember feeling so hurt and angry because yet again I am rejected .

After weeks of this behaviour I put up a FB status "man must be so nice to be single and live with the guys "

Well that was it I think the same day or a day later

"We need to talk my feelings have changed I'm going to stay at my sisters for a few weeks I need time to think " this is three days before my bday and im fuming i always made her birthdays amazing I rage at her and storm out to my Bros she tells me the FB status  was the last straw .

She sends texts I'm worried about you I'm sorry are you OK i just need time to think etc I know I caused all this but I'm hurting as well

I ignore I'm too angry , she worries I will try and harm myself because i put a oicture of a samurai up on fb commiting hari kari and tells me she is not saying its over as she tells me she can't see me on my body but still wants to give me her presents she just needs time to think .

I ask her to be there for my birthday she refuses  I spend my birthday alone in an empty house drinking

By Friday two days after the anger at her treatment , causes me to send her a breakup message and a song telling her "she is just someone I used to know"

She texts me in the morning "i cried all night but fine I was not saying it was over I just wanted time to think now u can screw all those girls who you told me you could if you wanted "

I tell her she is the most beautiful woman but her treatment of me is disgusting

She replies with your no saint I'm not horrible blah blah

Sunday I have enough of texts and we speak on the phone at this point I'm glad its over I've had enough weeks of her rages and tempers we have a friendly amiciable conversation where she tells me she does not love me  and has not done for a year or longet and how did I know it was over ? What do I think broke us up ? How she went to Spain to test her feelings and she didn't miss me and she has friends now so does not need me . she needs to be "selfish" and think of her (no change there )  and she needs to find herself all her ideas are my ideas etc etc she is shocked by how understanding and reasonable I am and tells me the relief she felt driving away on my bday (nice) how she wants to stay friends and how she can be discrete if she has a bf or I have a gf  barfy I'm like no !

Monday morning we both text each other are you OK , exchange is warm and friendly I tell her I'm blocking her on FB the night before and her family as its too painful and to tell her family its nothing personal : she tells me it hurts like I am trying to forget them but understands .

Fast forward a week and I've calmed down I ask her to meet so we can talk she refuses says we have discussed everything and we can talk on the phone

When we do she screams abuse at me , I don't love you I've not loved you for a year

I don't want to see you or you will manipulate me into coming back for a year or two . I want more out of life , we bicker all the time I should have left you years ago I want romance I hate how you told me I can't find a man like you ! There's nothing left to discuss I want to eat my dinner ! I used to hang on your everyword now i dont respect you ! Your a burden im sick of carrying ! All my friends got expensive engagement rings ! Anger and resentment over money a common theme for the whole of the BU and the last few years as she steadily earns more than me when the roles were reversed it was never a problem (surprise surprise ) You don't smile when you pick me up from work ! (Bull) You moan when we do anything ! (Massive exegeration)  I don't respect you I used to hang on your every word ! You hate your job !

I've grown up ! I want to travel and you never will because of your sick father !

I want romance ! I cant trust you after xyz ! I'm like OK I just wanted to be sure you don't love me .me:   I think your a cheat . her no I'm not I want to be single for a year I never get chatted up at bars you will meet someone before me (resentment)

Next day "I miss you I know its selfish but I miss you"

I reply, she tells me she shouldn't have sent that but after six years it normal to miss someone but "we are not right for each other "

Then when we talk its to discuss bussines or for her to spew more resentment and

break promises about money she owes for my birthday present or for her to charge me for an a/v cabinet she does not need . she accuses me of only wanting it to sell it for a profit and that if I earnt more money I would not be upset about this BU I erupt in rage at her callous selfishness .

I text her to tell her I don't care about money or things I'm upset because six years is over ... .she texts I'm sorry I upset you x

Next morning are you OK x

I ignore I'm still angry and in shock ... .

Hardly any contact apart from to arrange for her to get her stuff from the flat which she does

She takes everything even though she said she was only taking the stuff in her bedroom  I mean she left nothing of any value apart from stuff that is 100% mine or she does not need or is old and broken she did leave me the TV though and gave me part of the rent minus the av cabinet for two months she even try to charge me for my fathers phone bill he is fully disabled and in a care home but as I point out I've been paying it . she even tools plates, pans can openers pasta I mean she left me nothing unless it was old and broken even takes the curtains and radiator covers .

She says she does not want to end up like in her last r/s with nothing after (boo hoo)

This is from a woman on 100k plus bonus a year

While I struggle on 20k and  she knows I'm screwed financially .

She texts me to say she took more than she said she would but she left me some towels and old bedding so thinks thats  "fair "  what the heck she can't give me my birthday money for the present she told me to buy as she has to think of her now ( no change)  and how dificult and expensive her new flat will cost (cry me a river ) she thanks me for being so mature and reasonable and hopes we can meet for coffee when I'm feeling better and stay friends lol

She steals my passport and other financial papers so in her sick mind I don't get a mortgage in joint names (impossible ) she neglects to tell me about the passport I only find out six months later I have her broken laptop and she is paranoid I will post the photos of her naked I reasuure her I would never do something like that .

She tells me she would never do anything to hurt me either lol

I rehome the dog.  before this she worries I have found him a good home I tell her to not concern herself with it as she has not asked me once how he or I am and doesent really give a damm about the dog we have had for five years i block her on FB she blocks me back. a month later my dog dies I text her to tell her .

She replies I'm  sorry to hear that hope your OK xx


I erupt in text rage no I am not OK you selfish b***h but never mind you are !

No response

I send one or two texts can we talk etc she replies

"What do you want "

I don't pursue it .

Xmass comes and she has the cheek to send

Hi hope your having a lovely xmass ? Xx

I'm like who is this ? (Deleted her from my phone )

She replies "how mature "

I get home and send her a friendly email saying I didn't realise it was from her

I get drunk and send her some silly songs taking the mickey out of her then some dumb texts I'm not proud off .

She blocks all my family and friends on FB in retaliation .

I did this first to be fair explains to one mutual  friend if it easier if she has no links to dobie on FB

I send nice texts asking for my stuff no response

Weeks pass I get drunk send various angry and heartfelt texts while drunk

She complains to my bro that I am acting unsettling and weird

No I'm drunk hurt and in shock !

She lies and says all I had to do is ask for my stuff back I did a few times !

She blocks me on wassapp and phone after I imply something she knows I'm very capable off (not my proudest moment ) but I'm drunk

Lots more filler but that's the jist

6 months after the BU I find she has stolen my passport my bro arranges to meet her to give back the last of her stuff and get mine

She sees him and  rages about money I spent this and that blah blah I do care about dobie blah blah I want him to be happy blah blah I should not have ruined his bday I was a coward I should have left him a year ago as the wedding drew closer I just coulde t do it  he hates his job i couldent trust him to pay the mortgage blah blah how she was surprised how well I took the BU how she was expecting me rage at her bro explained dobie shouts but he is not violent

How much change I had done over the years how much nicer I was how angry she is about money always about money . how pissed off she is six years ago she got up at 2 am to make me an omeltte lol how dare I want a joint bank account how dare I want my birthday money how dare I expect her to pay the valuation fee never mind the fact we would have made a 100k on the spot ... .how I only paid xyz towards a holiday I didn't want to go on because I couldn't afford it and she told me not to worry and I gave her all the bonus I had she throws that in my face as well . how my always trying to make her birthday special and spending so much money on her made her feel obligated to do the same (poor thing) this is coming from a woman who told me none of her bfs had ever bother with her bdays never mind I sold everything and worked my ass off to make her always so big and lavish .

Not much apologising or introspection according to my bro he said she was giving answers like a lawyer

She admits I'm not the source of all her unhappiness and that we did have some good times (thanks)

Bro calls her out why did u leave ? Because we bickered and argued about money that was it.  he said she looked like she really didn't know herself he felt he was talking to a child . all she cared about was her poor me poor me etc etc

She kept saying i couldent see him or I would go back my bro was like that's the point you work things out !

Silence

Bro was like why didn't you reach out see if he was ok ? She admits to being a coward more lies she could have asked my bro or my mum .

Bro was like do you think its fair after all he did for you the love , the support etc etc and that how you go out , she  admits I was her closest best friend she admits she should not have goaded me so much to lose my temper and pick fights and she should have left years ago (thanks for the deciet )


I ask bro to ask if I can email her she says yes as I'm not sure if I'm blocked no response after a month I try again with diff account i send her a two line poem she tells me

"I'm sorry I've hurt you notihng I can say will make you feel better

You a great guy with lots to offer

You will meet a lovely girl who loves you very much

We were just not meant to be and deep down you know that "

I'm like whatever let's stay friends

"I don't think its a good idea if we meet two soon for both of us sorry "

My point is she is capable of talking to me when it comes to her needing something like her stuff or early on in the breakup

I've edited out a lot of the crappy things she did and said during the last six months this is a condensed version

That's only 80% of her selfish behaviours post breakup


Bottom line

She showed hardly any empathy or remorse for what she did or how she did it

"How else could I have broken up with you dobie I'm a good person"  

All she kept raging about was how hard it was for her to have to buy new stuff for her fault the extra travel to work , and all the money she had spent over the years on our flat or holidays .

I never once got a thank you for all the love and good times , I never once got a real and sincincre apology . I never once heard her say to me she was at fault as well its was always me or us never her


I have never in my life met someone with so little remorse , empathy , introspection or lack or love and caring for another human being let alone one she admitted was her best friend and who at one point she loved whose behaviours were so selfish so self absorbed so cold so pathetic .

Or whose only regret is the money they spent or how much it was going to cost

If she is not BPD she is a truly awful awful human being

She gaslights as well and denies various things she said and accuses me of being crazy when I mention some of her behaviours or the things she said

I offer to still buy the house as business partners she says no and tells me I will find another girl to with xx

During the BU when I inform her I've changed the locks she arrupts in rage and threats screaming she is homeless now lol

I told her I just wanted to test her reaction and I can see fully now her mask has slipped regardless I apologise and beg for her to show some empathy and kindness and for us to help each through this as friends

She ignores me till the evening then complains about how that stressed her at work how upset she is blah blah me,me,me I offer to try and cheer her up send her some songs and tell her I will always be there for her she says thanks and same (bs)

Are you questioning whether she has BPD?

Just looking for clues in the BU behaviours mike

I see. I did a lot of searching like this too. I would replay episodes in my mind. I think that I was searching for confirmation that she was showing BPD traits, and looking back, I think that I also was trying to shake the FOG - mostly guilt and searching for my contributions to the dysfunction and ultimate break-up.

Dobie, the interactions between you two triggered responses from you both that kept the cycle of rejection and hurt going. Do you see that? A lot of your communication to her was rage-filled by your own description, highly critical and threatened endings of various sorts. That's tough for anyone to hear let alone someone with BPD.

It's hard for us when confronted with their uncertainty not to throw it back in kind, but with BPD, it doesn't help. Certainly in my own breakup, I didn't understand what he was doing and why, and it was hurting me a lot. I thought accepting his withdrawal was all I could do, and I said a few things that made it sound like I was outflanking him on the "it's over" front.  As soon as I did, his doubts converted into (in his mind) my deciding to end our beautiful r/s. And I never raged and was barely critical. So I'm not saying your r/s would have been all solid and steady if you hadn't used rejecting and cut off techniques in the breakup. It doesn't take much.

But it does seem worthwhile to review not only how she pulled away but how you did, if you want to take away skills for a next r/ship or some understanding that she too was feeling hurt and scared.

We can't diagnose here but what you describe could be a Queen / Witch BPD type. My x wife is Queen/Witch.


BPD or not, a marriage or even a relationship in general will not work out with someone who has this kind of mentality and "care".

She never used to be like this in the early years of our r/s she was loving and kind to me and my father even during the first week of the BU she asked if she could still see him  . I told her of course

It was like jekkyl and hide and over the years she went from her major personality position of  scared clingy sweet child to hard cold queen


Its like over the years she got more cold , more selfish , more angry just more all the negatives and less of the positives

They were there at the start but they were hidden or suppressed

Its like the nicer I got " your such a nice dobie now not like the old horrible dobie" (her words) the worse she became as the years wore on .

It all started to turn about 2.5 years ago when she could see I didn't want her to leave and started to make some real changes in my life and my behaviours for the better she also started to triangulate her horrid aspd/ppd father between us and his sick ugly paranoia started to infect her about me and us

The thing was this was the culmination for me of all her crappy treatment for her to do this before my bday I was so hurt so upset and felt so fed up anger was my defense

Every time I tried to be understanding after I cooled down or to talk I was met with her rage/resentment  or her total lack of feeling

I endured weeks of her temper tantrums , complaints and rejecting behaviours before she decided she wanted to go away and think

She wanted to go I don't think even if I had been all sweetness and light she would have stayed this conflict had been playing out behind my back for over a year by her own admission with her push/pull behaviours

Her father is a bully an abusive bully and violent criminal  think Mafia "enforcer"

This was is her role model of what a man is she is without doubt BPD or not a pro victim a bully and wolf in sheep's clothing the more sweet and kind the more you disgust her the more forceful and selfish the more she loves you

When we first started dating I was a real ahole and I kept her at arms length she loved me to pieces as the years wore on and I started to mature and change and become more caring , more giving etc etc she became the opposite she respects and loves people who are a holes

Even when I was nice and asked for my stuff back multiple times  no response I had to act like a dick for her to get scared or whatever and do as I asked

This is her

Hi Dobie.  :)efinitely not suggesting that your reactions were not justified.  And I hear you that maybe there was conditioning that, when you were patient and understanding, it was taken for granted and you were treated poorly.  Me too.  It did ultimately make it impossible for me to extend him the same benefit of the doubt I once did before being taken for granted in that way.

I wasn't sure what you needed from your presentation of the chronology of the breakup so apologies if what I observed is not helpful.  For me, seeing how we get defensive and triggered and then understandably do and say things that trigger them, is illuminating.  But that doesn't mean that, without your reactions, all would have been functional and healthy.

Hi patient  

No I appreciate the feedback working with my T I've found issues and reasons for my own behaviours and why I was even with this woman

Anger is one of my issues I was diagnosed with "infantile rage" I've had my own traumas as a child its why I hooked up with her "water finds its own level "

I know she is not healthy and not normal I posted the stuff about pro victims the second article is her to the letter

I just keep trying to work out if she is BPD , PPD or what the pd is lol I need to understand I'm just like that I have to deconstruct everything analyse , examine and make sense of .

I've suffered some sort of trauma from this no doubt I'm not sure if I have PTSD but this BU and the r/s has been one of the most damaging and englihtnening of my life .

Its like I've been stripped bare lost everything know nothing and at the same time have the keys to understand everything about me

I'm still punch drunk with shock some days I still can't process all this others I'm at the point of total despair others I'm elated and clear minded

Sometimes I think I'm going mad I blame myself for everything I desperately want her back then remember how she is and what she did

My T thinks I have years of therapy ahead but part of me can't wait that long and I fall into destructive behaviours . he I'm seeing a woman now does not want to give me a label as he thinks it would be counter productive he just told me I've suffered trauma now and before in my childhood  and I have xyz about me

Anger problems

Immaturity

Black and white thinking

Low self esteem

Anxious depression

Splitting when she rejected me

Trouble with emotional enagment

Learned helplessness

2 previous psychotic breaks

Sometimes I wonder if he is implying I have BPD traits lol

Its like trying to keep your head above water but the waves keep coming if it were not for this board and my bro I'd be lost