BPDFamily.com

My significant other is more than 10 years older then I am, in his senior years. He/We are only just starting to figure out that he has BPD over the last few months. We have been in this relationship for 3 years. He has now been triggered and is spinning away out of control, already seeking out other potential partners etc. Everyone in my family and friends are telling me to end it. They are probably right, I wish I could help. I have read several books, spoken to a psychologist, researched the web exhaustively and now I'm here.

Is there much hope? He is definitely on the higher functioning range but in the most early stages of dealing with it. (first appointment later this month) I'm in the stage of wondering if I've wasted 3 years already or if there is anything I can do. The sad thing is I do not think there in anyone in his life who will or can be the "rock" that this website states he will need.

 

Welcome, 5678!

  It can be a real shock to learn about a personality disorder, especially for the person suffering from it.  For us, we had been married over nine years when we were finally able to put a name to the behaviours he was exhibiting, with his diagnosis.  I felt like all hope was lost and I had two choices:  leave and be safe, or stay and suffer.

That was over a year ago.  We are still together, and although I cant' say things are great, they are 100% better than what they were when we first got the diagnosis. And I feel now like I have lots of choice, and not just that all or nothing feeling.  I invested too many years into the r/s to give up on it that easily.  Three years is a pretty significant investment too... .how do you feel about leaving?

Have you and your SO separated?  What indications do you have that he is looking for other potential partners?  Something that helps me a lot is reminding myself just how many of my husband's behaviours stem from a fear of abandonment.  Many many times, he pushes me away simply because he wants to reject me before I reject him (even if I have no intention of rejecting him, it's still what he feels is going to happen and he acts on that.)  Could that be what's happen with you two?

I'm really glad your here.  Having someone to talk to can help lift some of the burden you are carrying, especially if everyone else around you is telling you to leave.  My healing journey began when I found this site, and yours can too.  I've started to accept my role as the emotional mature one in the r/s (even tho he is 7yrs my senior), because someone has to, and he simply does not have the capacity to be that person.

I don't know if I've answered your question, "Is there much hope?"  I had no hope, but now I do... .and the difference, I think, is that I am focused on making my life healthier, more steady instead of hoping and waiting for him to change or do things better.  Do you want to stay with him?  Are you in any physical danger? 

Thanks for sharing!  We are a volunteer site, so sometimes it may be that it takes a little while for someone to respond to your posts, but if you are patient, someone will be here that understands.   

Welcome to the family,

Crumbsy

Thanks so much Crumbsy, If I knew he were going to get help and really "do" the work I would want to stay with him. He loves me but the age difference works on the usual BPD insecutities and that doesn't help. We live in different communities as he is farming and needs to be there during the season and I work in another community. So we have spent the last three years driving back and forth, mostly me doing all the travelling for 3 years and 9 months. He started to come my way this winter at my insistence as he was not working and I work full time. I didn't realize his need of isolation and control by living in his very remote area to feel safe. I think we worked as long as we did as I was always going his way and although the plan has been to buy another house and we've looked at many together and he did FINALLY put his place up for sale it's NOT likely to sell quicky due to price and location. I think the requirement for him to come my way and for him to recognixe his BPD and seek treatment has sent him into a tailspin. He is away right now and we have "no contact" except I did send him condolonces when an old friend died and he sent a stilted formal thank-you. I could spend another 3 years waiting to see what comes of treatment while we continue to live apart and "see what happens" for nothing. Both my fanily and friends and his family will think I'm nuts to try. It's a tough decision.

Hi 5678,

I would like to join Crumbsy and welcome you.

I understand your hesitancy. It can be very frustrating and confusing coping with BPD behaviors. 

Treatment can be very difficult for people with BPD (pwBPD) in the beginning. The core feature of BPD is a lack of emotional regulation. When a pwBPD is dysregulating their behavior and thoughts can be chaotic. PwBPD are hypersensitive to criticism and tend to have low self-esteem and self-loathing. The knowledge of the disorder may be causing him to tailspin.

Why are you currently having no contact?