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Title: Still here..Not much different Post by: DontGiveUpOnMe on May 03, 2015, 08:56:45 AM A few years have passed, living in a new house... .still cannot move out .
Mother yesterday ... .well... .let me backup... . my mom had changed... .she was being nicer and it was lasting for the first time... .I could actually talk to her for 5 minutes with her actually looking at me for at least part of the time I spoke. I thought finally my mommy has arrived. She said she found God... .she seemed different. I'm still suffering daily with body memories. i still continue, I still keep trying to go to school... .finish this finish that... .but I'm still in pain... .my body doesn't let me forget... . I wanted to share with her what happened, I wanted to be free from it once and for all... .instead I was met with a scenario that hasn't played out for a while. She screamed at me , told me I was crazy and selfish and dramatic, that I love attention... .and I felt so terrible. I started crying uncontrollably and hiding in the closet... .she told me she wants me to disappear I've always been a problem... .and started to throw things... . I freaked out and left a million voicemails and emails on my therapist box... .shes probably going to get all this craziness tomorrow and I'm so scared shes gonna dump me too. shes gonna hate me . I just want to disappear. I need to find a place to go but I don't know where... . I guess I stay here because its so hard for me to accept I'm unwanted and my mother doesn't are about me unless I am just a happy face brushing her hair. WHy wont I learn :'( now shes started again with daily fighting with me and berating me. I just want to disappear m therapistis probably thinking the same thing, im clingy stupid and whiny and dumb Title: Re: Still here..Not much different Post by: AnnaofArendelle on May 03, 2015, 09:39:24 AM I'm new on this board, and I don't know you - but let me tell you something I know for sure.
You are NOT clingy. You are NOT stupid. You are NOT whiny. And you are NOT dumb. You ARE beautiful. You ARE worthy of love. You HAVE inherent value as a human being. And you DESERVE better. You need to know that this is not normal behavior from your mother - and that your therapist(s) are there to help you cope. They are not the same as your mother. Next time you see him/her/them, you should share this post with them so they can get an idea of the hell you're going through - that way they can help you. If they don't correct you on how you think they feel about you - it's time to move on and find another therapist. My favorite mantra when I start to feel this way? It's from The Help. "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." Just keep repeating that to yourself until you believe it and you can cope or get out of there. I'll leave you with another favorite quote of mine: Always remember - you are BRAVER than you believe, STRONGER than you seem, and SMARTER than you think. - A.A. Milne (Winne the Pooh) A thousand hugs to you. Title: Re: Still here..Not much different Post by: DontGiveUpOnMe on May 03, 2015, 03:58:03 PM I'm new on this board, and I don't know you - but let me tell you something I know for sure. You are NOT clingy. You are NOT stupid. You are NOT whiny. And you are NOT dumb. You ARE beautiful. You ARE worthy of love. You HAVE inherent value as a human being. And you DESERVE better. You need to know that this is not normal behavior from your mother - and that your therapist(s) are there to help you cope. They are not the same as your mother. Next time you see him/her/them, you should share this post with them so they can get an idea of the hell you're going through - that way they can help you. If they don't correct you on how you think they feel about you - it's time to move on and find another therapist. My favorite mantra when I start to feel this way? It's from The Help. "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." Just keep repeating that to yourself until you believe it and you can cope or get out of there. I'll leave you with another favorite quote of mine: Always remember - you are BRAVER than you believe, STRONGER than you seem, and SMARTER than you think. - A.A. Milne (Winne the Pooh) A thousand hugs to you. Your post means a lot to me because it helped me get through yesterday . I felt so broken . I really want to leave , but I'm starving for my mom to love me and today she's been nicer , it's so confusing I've been repeating your quote from the help all day. Thank you for reminding me about what I should expect from my therapist , sometimes I bring my relationship of my mother and i everywhere and I feel at the mercy of everyone else . Thank you so much you uplifted me so much Title: Re: Still here..Not much different Post by: P.F.Change on May 03, 2015, 04:48:02 PM Hi, DontGiveUpOnMe,
It is good to hear from you. I have not been around here much myself, so I'm happy I caught your post. It is hard wishing for a mother to love you. I understand that--I think all of us here do. It is also hard to accept that when a mother has BPD, she is probably never going to be able to be the one to provide the kind of love we need. We have to find other ways to nurture ourselves. I know you have a very hard time living at home and that can make it even more difficult. It sounds like you have really built a lot of trust in your therapist. That can be hard to do and is probably also why you are so afraid she will want to abandon you, too. I think this will end up being a good learning experience for you, in that I'm reasonably certain your therapist will not hate you or dump you, and then you will be able to look on that as a new example of what relationships can be like and that it is actually ok for you to have needs and ask for help. I hope you will let us know what happens and how that turns out. Have you worked on any tools to evaluate the automatic negative thoughts you have, such as "My therapist's probably thinking the same thing, I'm clingy, stupid, whiny, and dumb"? Sometimes that kind of thinking can send us into a downward spiral and leave us feeling worse, and then thinking more negative thoughts, and then feeling worse about those. Do you have any evidence to support that thought--in other words, do you know it's true 100% that your therapist thinks those things? Has she told you you're clingy and dumb? If not, can you imagine what it would feel like if you believed something else? For example, "Even if my therapist thinks I left a few too many messages, she will still care about me and support me." If you believed that statement instead, how might you feel different? I need to find a place to go but I don't know where... . I guess I stay here because its so hard for me to accept I'm unwanted and my mother doesn't are about me unless I am just a happy face brushing her hair. I know you've had a hard time moving out. In many ways I think it could be a positive experience for you, still I do understand there are many challenges involved. I hope you will find a way to understand that your worth isn't dependent on your mother. I believe you will get there. I know you will find a way to reach your goals. Wishing you peace, PF Title: Re: Still here..Not much different Post by: AnnaofArendelle on May 04, 2015, 07:51:26 PM |iiii What P.F. Change said.
Also - you're very, very welcome. I have been there. Parts of me still are there. I have about a million of those mantras and inspirational quotes stocked up - so anytime you need one, just ping me. It cheers me up to help people, so you will never be a burden to me - ever. Here's some more hugs because I know it's hard. Title: Re: Still here..Not much different Post by: DontGiveUpOnMe on May 06, 2015, 08:08:08 AM Hi, DontGiveUpOnMe, It is good to hear from you. I have not been around here much myself, so I'm happy I caught your post. It is hard wishing for a mother to love you. I understand that--I think all of us here do. It is also hard to accept that when a mother has BPD, she is probably never going to be able to be the one to provide the kind of love we need. We have to find other ways to nurture ourselves. I know you have a very hard time living at home and that can make it even more difficult. It sounds like you have really built a lot of trust in your therapist. That can be hard to do and is probably also why you are so afraid she will want to abandon you, too. I think this will end up being a good learning experience for you, in that I'm reasonably certain your therapist will not hate you or dump you, and then you will be able to look on that as a new example of what relationships can be like and that it is actually ok for you to have needs and ask for help. I hope you will let us know what happens and how that turns out. Have you worked on any tools to evaluate the automatic negative thoughts you have, such as "My therapist's probably thinking the same thing, I'm clingy, stupid, whiny, and dumb"? Sometimes that kind of thinking can send us into a downward spiral and leave us feeling worse, and then thinking more negative thoughts, and then feeling worse about those. Do you have any evidence to support that thought--in other words, do you know it's true 100% that your therapist thinks those things? Has she told you you're clingy and dumb? If not, can you imagine what it would feel like if you believed something else? For example, "Even if my therapist thinks I left a few too many messages, she will still care about me and support me." If you believed that statement instead, how might you feel different? I need to find a place to go but I don't know where... . I guess I stay here because its so hard for me to accept I'm unwanted and my mother doesn't are about me unless I am just a happy face brushing her hair. I know you've had a hard time moving out. In many ways I think it could be a positive experience for you, still I do understand there are many challenges involved. I hope you will find a way to understand that your worth isn't dependent on your mother. I believe you will get there. I know you will find a way to reach your goals. Wishing you peace, PF P.F :) hi its nice to see u again too. Thank you for your help. Yes, I need to remember that I don't know these things 100%, I talked to my T and she said she was fine, and I was not bothering her. I still worry. but ... .Im happy. I know I want to get out of here, I feel like theres more stopping me than just money. I dont know what it is. Anyway thank you for supporting me during a scary time anna and P.F Title: Re: Still here..Not much different Post by: Kwamina on May 16, 2015, 01:06:43 PM Hi DontGiveUpOnMe
Two weeks have passed sine you posted this, how are you feeling now? P.F. Change makes a very good point about dealing with automatic negative thoughts. I'm glad you had a good conversation with your T. Perhaps it will also help you to take a look at a recent thread about dealing with negative thoughts. In that thread you can also read the stories of other members and how they cope with things: Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270316.0) You mention struggling with acceptance and wanting your mother to love you. I think it's only normal for a child to want their mother's love, no matter how old you are. Accepting the reality of our BPD parents isn't easy. It requires letting go of the loving fantasy parent we never had yet might still long for. Acceptance is hard for I'd say nearly all of us. There are certain techniques that might help you though. We have an article here about radical acceptance in which so-called reality acceptance skills are described. Here's an excerpt: Excerpt The skills I'm going to talking about, you could call them 'Reality Acceptance Skills'. And there are three: radical acceptance, turning the mind, and willingness. We're going start with the first one, radical acceptance. ... . There are three parts to radical acceptance. The first part is accepting that reality is what it is. The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause. The third part is accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it. ... . Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event. You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive. It's a negative that just won't become a positive. When that happens, practice reality acceptance. So what are you going to practice? First, you're going to practice accepting radically. You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason. You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason. And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it. You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life. In order to do that, you're going to have to turn your mind over and over and over. When you reach the fork in the road, with pain in the middle of it, turn your mind to acceptance. Away from rejection. And practice willingness. Practicing willingness means recognizing that you are part of life, that you are connected to things. But it's more than that. It's not just recognizing that you're part of life but it's actually agreeing to be part of life. You can read the entire article here: From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0) Radical acceptance doesn't mean accepting that you are treated badly though. It means accepting reality as it is and letting that be the starting point for change. Reality isn't fixed but is ever changing. You are living in the same house as your BPD mother which isn't easy. Do you feel you are able to set boundaries with your mother and defend those boundaries when necessary? When dealing with someone with BPD, boundaries are very important to protect your own well-being. We have some resources here about boundaries that you might find helpful: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries) Examples of boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0) Take care |