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With breaking no contact, it is a personal choice about what is healthy for me. Can you send a happy birthday message without wanting or hoping for a validating reply?  How did sending or not sending happy birthday work for others on this board?  

Sure you can!

You just have to actually be in that state of mind. You have to have done a lot of work on yourself and not want the relationship back.

I recently reached out to my ex to get a coffee and catch up, and she was very responsive. This worries me, because I don't want have to deny her if she tries to suck me back in. I believe that this would damage a potential friendship.

So, really, what I'm saying is that although you can control your own feelings to a certain extent, you cannot control your ex's. This is what you have to be prepared for. You need to have the ability of treating her more like a person and less like an ex.

Hi Newtothis. This is really a question you should be asking yourself. I will probably send my ex a birthday card in due course, as whatever she thinks of me it doesn't invalidate my feelings for her. I expect 1 of the following to happen:

1) No response

2) A terse reply

3) A thank you text with an 'x'

I could cope with any of the above, so it would be pretty safe for me to send birthday greetings. How would you feel if scenario 1 or 2 ensues?  If the answer is 'bad' then I wouldn't risk sending. 

No contact is a tool, not a rule.  It's a tool we use to detach, but it's only one of them available to us, and some say limited contact is actually better and less stressful.  Bottom line, what ever works for you, making your health and wellbeing the number one priority.

That said, looking at your motivation for wanting to send her wishes, and your desire to not want or hope for a validating reply, can be  beneficial in your own healing.  Borderlines do what they do, and you might know what to expect if you send her birthday wishes, and whether or not that will open a can of worms, there is testament after testament here that it's not a good idea, but you know this gal.  But aside from her, what would it mean to you if you sent her something?  What would it mean if you didn't?  That might be the more important question.  At my ex's first birthday after I left her I was torn: I wanted to wish her a shtty birthday because I was still pissed, but on the other hand I wanted to buy her roses, take her out to dinner, and make the entire week special, which was important to her.  Torn.  But I chose to let sleeping dogs lie and not kick the hornet's nest, to mix metaphors, and last year I actually forgot it was her birthday until months afterwards.  All things change.  Take care of you!

I don't think it's black and white either.

I think you know the answer that there's a probability you may not get validation newtothis28.

I was surprised my ex wished me a happy birthday this year two years after the break-up and I said thanks.

I wished her a happy birthday too and wasn't validated and didn't have hopes that she would.

I also maintain low contact.

I don't think there's a right or wrong with NC and above all take care of your needs first. If it's upsetting and triggering, likely not a good idea and there's always the next one  *)

I did not wish my ex a happy birthday. I did not think that I should due to n/c. After reading this I feel guilty. She did wish my daughter inin law aa happy anniversary