Print Page - My BPD ex is still controlling me

Hi everyone. Not sure where to start here but here goes.

In 2012, I broke up with a man who had a drinking problem. I'd been with him for two years and it became abusive. He liked to throw his fists around every now and then. I was relieved to get away from it.

A couple of months after we broke up, I unintentionally met a lovely guy who was 6 years younger than me. I didn't intend to but I fell for him quickly and he moved in with me VERY quickly. For the sake of this post, I'll call him 'Neil'. He was so happy, affectionate, attentive and I was relieved to find that he liked me to be the same way. He explained his life story to me. He explained that he was abandoned by his Mother as a baby and lived with his Dad and half sister. One tragic day, his sister was knocked down by a car and killed outside school which lead to his Dad becoming depressed, abusive, alcoholic and eventually killed himself. Following these tragedies, Neil went into care and started to socialise with the wrong crowd, which lead to him getting into a lot of trouble with the law! He came to me and said he never wanted to go back to his city as he wants to escape his past and start over. Neil had nobody in the world! He had old scars up his arms where he'd self harmed as a teen. My heart was broken for him! I knew I had to look after him. I also explained my past abusive relationship with him. He was very kind and understanding about it all. I felt safe with him. He explained that he'd developed borderline personality disorder as a result of his experiences. I admit, I'd never heard of the condition and didn't fully understand it, but I assured him, we'd work through it together.

But, keeping in mind that I was a little vulnerable from my past abusive relationship, it wasn't long until I started noticing him telling little white lies. They were very minor lies at first, but they started to grow and grow. Things just didn't add up. This lead to me becoming a little insecure over time but it used to anger him as he swore that he wasn't lying, despite me sometimes having proof. It played with my head. It got so bad that I found myself checking his private social media messages. I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn't believe a word he was saying to me and I didn't know why.

Also, I found it very difficult to have an adult conversation with him about any problems. Rather than sitting and talking, he'd yell, call me names, throw things, smash things and even hit himself with certain objects such as the tv remote or hairbrush. He'd hit himself HARD, too. It was scary.

Now, some months into our relationship, he made friends at his new job and went out for a drink with them. I stayed at home to give him some space and to show him that I trusted him. He said he'd be home by 2am or so. I heard NOTHING from him at all. Finally, the hospital called at 8am and explained that Neil was almost in intensive care with alcohol poisoning! I was distraught. Luckily, he pulled through and swore that his drinking days were behind him, for a while at least, but I found myself secretly frustrated that he'd allowed himself to get into such a state!

Months later, he went out again. Again, he drank far too much and ended up taking himself to a gay bar and beating up some of the staff!

At this point, I had to draw a line so I explained that I couldn't be with him if he was going to keep drinking and abusing it. He was hurting me, himself and complete strangers. He agreed and we carried on with our relationship. It's been tough. I've discovered lie after lie and it's made me more and more insecure, but I just couldn't let go of him. I love him with all my heart.

Now, fast forward to 5 weeks ago. I came home to find him leaving me! He was planning to up and leave without even saying goodbye. I was in shock! He left and went to live with a female colleague from his work. My heart felt like it had been ripped out and I just didn't know what to do. This man that loved me so quickly was suddenly gone. We've been through so much together, and despite the bad times and lies, we've had some amazing times and helped each other through difficult situations in life. We even have cats together. I was shocked!

Then came the biggest shocks! His Aunt contacted me online. I didn't even know he had an Aunt. She explained that Neil's Dad was alive and that he'd NEVER even had a sister. I said she must be mistaken as he has her name tattooed to his wrist and I've spent many a night consoling him about the loss of his Dad and sister. Hell, I've cried with him soo many times, but she assured me, his sister was never a real person. Also, he'd spent time in prison before meeting me. I couldn't believe it!

I called him and he confessed everything. He explained that his Dad was abusive, so he created his sister (and her death) as an excuse for his Dad's behaviour because he simply couldn't understand why his Dad treat him so badly. After a few weeks, Neil came back to stay with me but then an even bigger shock came. He went missing and the police asked me to do an iphone trace. I traced his phone straight to my abusive ex's address! My heart almost exploded! Neil never even knew or met my ex, yet he was staying with him! Turns out, he'd contacted him on facebook after we broke up and told him a bunch of lies. Neil has told everyone that I abused him and they're all believing it. Apparently, he also played recordings of me having his phone reported stolen, but I never made any such call! After this, he came back again and apologised for going to my ex's and lying about me, but said his mental condition was getting out of control and he couldn't explain why he was doing these things.

He decided to go to London to spend time with family and get help. After a few days, he asked me to visit him for the weekend, so I did. We spoke about our relationship and I said I was proud of him for seeking professional help. We decided to start over with a clean slate... .until the next day. He called me and said he doesn't want to be with me again and now I've found out that he's back in my ex's town!

I'm soo confused. I literally feel like I'm in pieces. Why is he doing these things to me? Why is he telling people that I abused him? Why is he making false recordings and saying that they're me? Is this all common of someone with BPD? Sorry that this post is so long. My head isn't in a good place right now. How can someone that loved me (and that I love) go and spend time (in whatever way) with a man that abused me so many times? I haven't done anything wrong to him! To make matters worse, I still love him and miss him so much. I just feel like I've spent two years with someone that I never even knew.

Thanks for reading, all.

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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: UKguy on May 03, 2015, 11:55:05 AM