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When they choose a new victim does a woman with BPD care about looks or can they just paint any picture In their mind? If thats the case what does that say about us left behind? Were we even that attractive to them or would they have picked anyonr at that time.

you ask a good question... .i've been curious about this too.  my replacement is 7 yrs older than me and looks much older in person, less attractive than i am, not that i'm all that, but i am better looking in appearance. he is certainly a door mat type personality as well, as i'm more assertive. i think this puts her in more of a bargaining role with him and a place of temporary security in order to manipulate.  so i dont think looks matter except to put them in more of a  place to wield more power over their new victim.

I guess it really doesn't matter. My physical looks from before I met her didn't change as to now. I know I look the same. I don't have the constant validation from her regarding that, and I was lucky because I never got devalued in terms of looks. I could tell her in her eyes that she liked what she saw.

I had another friend say that maybe she downgraded with new man because if he thinks he's dating up the food chain it might be easier for her to control him.

What sped up our demise is the first year and a half we lived apart from each other, then when we moved in and had my kids three nights a week it was tougher for her to keep the ideal going.

I know that these are some of my issues at play as well. I didn't do a good job validating my own self. She even told me after the break up, after she helped to destroy my confidence, she said "remember confidence is sexy."

I do think I got a glimpse into how she viewed my looks favorably because a week after we broke up I sent her a picture of me topless after working out, she said "dang your chest looks ripped."

However now I'd be afraid of running into her, having her look at new man (much heavier than me) and seeing that sexual urge towards him that she used to feel towards me.

I really hate this BPD disorder. Ruined something that could have been wonderful

Think attachments with borderlines.  Far from seeing a new attachment as a "victim", a borderline attaches to people with the hope that it will be perfect, an ideal fusing of psyches to recreate the symbiotic relationship that existed before the fear of abandonment showed up, the condition that created the disorder to begin with, the one they've been banging up against their whole lives, that inability to be on their own, weather the abandonment depression, and continue developing into an autonomous individual.  Someone who's "attractive" to a borderline is someone who seems to be susceptible to that attachment, regardless of "looks".

Borderlines also carry a lot of shame, so if their last attachment shamed them there's a bias to attach to someone "lesser", someone who is less of a threat to do it again, and you will read here how many folks were surprised at the "quality" of individual their borderline ex hooked up with next.  And of course it's important to not draw conclusions from that and compare ourselves to the new suitor; realizing that you and the new guy were both attachments to a borderline, with exactly the same status in that regard, can help with that.

thats very good stuff fromheeltoheal. thanks for that. so i guess i was kind of on the right track with my thoughts. she certainly wields more power over the new replacement in that regard. poor ass. lol!

I guess my question to this then do they actually still physically enjoy our looks like a normal person would? Does physical attraction, or the chemistry if you will, matter to them like it would to a normal person. For me their are just certain people I see on a daily basis where there is not a spark, but if I was a borderline would I just see that person as a potential attachment and not even care what they looked like?

My ex would always comment with a googled eye look that she couldn't believe how handsome I was, that even her coworkers mentioned how attractive I was. At her Christmas party they called me Mr. GQ because I would goof around and smile and have fun. It was almost like she caught herself wondering why would a good looking nice guy like him like me?

A borderline is in constant fear of being both abandoned and being engulfed, losing themselves in another person, since they don't have a fully formed 'self' of their own.  Those two opposing fears are where the push/pull behavior comes from: start to feel abandoned, pull closer, start to feel engulfed, push away, with the only contentment being on the fence between them, short lived and always moving.  So the desire for control a borderline has is the desire to control the emotional distance from someone they're in a relationship with, to control the opposing fears; how long someone hangs around for that is proportional to their own mental health.  The only winner is the disorder; everyone's a victim, especially the borderline, who fears abandonment more than anything, but causes it with their behavior.  How crappy is that?  What matters now is what we do with this knowledge.

Borderlines are people first; she's going to find some people physically attractive and others not, just like everyone else.  And if she thinks someone is extra-attractive, she could conclude that attaching to him would increase her "value" in the world, she would be a little less worthless in her head, on the other hand, her lack of self esteem might have her conclude that she isn't "good enough" to be with that person, therefore they will reject her right away or leave her, abandonment again.  Most people feel some version of those at least at some point too BTW.  You increased her worth to her coworkers in her head with your Mr. GQ thing too.

So I haven't been following your story too closely confused; you're struggling with the fact that she's with someone "uglier" now, and you wonder what that means?  What does it mean to you right now?

I don't know what it means. I'd struggle too if she was with someone more attractive than me. Right now I have a problem of my own validation, I don't give myself permission to be happy about who I am. To be confident, and realize I'm a great catch not because of someone else telling me but because I am.

I guess I miss the way I could do little things and she would respond, wear a pair of jeans I know she likes or wear the cologne she bought me, it would put an extra step in my walk and she would always notice and give me an extra kiss or grab my butt.

I had a pretty loveless marriage towards the end of it, so then being with my ex girlfriend where affection was displayed from both of us was nice.

I guess my main problem is that I still genuinely miss the affection, partly because of how it made me feel but partly because I felt close and intimate with her. Heck I'd trade a week's worth of the sex, for a night worth of the cuddling.

I feel less than desirable even though nothing physically has changed

It hasn't been very long confused, and what you're going through sounds like what everyone goes through after a relationship ends, it doesn't feel good, but it will get better, you will love again, as a better version of yourself since you'll grow through it.

Missing the affection is difficult, it hurts.  And your relationship ended for a reason, and if she does exhibit traits of the disorder, it wasn't sustainable long-term anyway, at least in a healthy way.  Here's an opportunity though, I know it's early, but you can use the energy behind the pain of the relationship ending to dive into your life, a self-improvement project, and before you know it, you may just get a random butt grab from a pretty girl with a gleam in her eye; it's best when validation comes from within, in fact it's very attractive when it does, although external validation feels great too.  Take care of you!

Right now as I lie in bed alone I really miss the sleeping next to her but it wasn't worth the feeling of am I becoming a bad dad am I putting my kids second? I still hate myself to this day for it. She said she loved them then she hurt them. I'm just glad new man doesn't have kids for her to try to cone between.

I worry that I'll be single forever. Ex wife and her man that she might right after the separation are still going strong after three years. I'm starting to believe that karma doesn't exist and I'm just too much of an unlucky guy to have women who say they love me and appreciate me stick around. Hurts

Borderline will merge with someone who they are not attracted to just because they want someone to love them.

If sex was never witheld during the r/s then they were probably attracted to you. 

When my ex left the first time she started witholding sex from my replacement after a couple of weeks, then started popping over to me to get it. She told me she wasn't attracted to him but he was nice to her that's why she stayed.

Believing you're unlucky is no way to attract the next love of your life.  Think about it "So, what first attracted you to confused?"  "Oh, he believes he's unlucky and his lack of belief in himself really turned me on!"  Not.  Either that or you'll meet someone who wants a project-man to bolster her own self esteem.  Not.  I joking around a little, but again it's very early, and if you use the hurt to dig deep and become an improved version of you, along with the experience and wisdom you've gotten from the past relationships, the future girl is on for a treat, but for now it's important to dive into your and your kid's lives full steam and build from there.  You're still young and 'forever' is a long time, but when you look back in a year you may just be amazed at how far you've come, if you get on it now and be consistent.  Take care of you!

You are wise so maybe you can answer this. I know even the day after we broke up what my ex gf does is not a value on me or it doesn't say anything about me but how do you really believe it when I'm left on sidelines and they are not suffering at all

Borderlines have been suffering their whole lives so they've developed a lot of tools to deal with it, as any of us would if we were in pain.  Projection, judging someone else for doing something they themselves do and are ashamed of or blaming other people, is a way to off negative emotions we don't want to feel onto someone else.  Splitting, making something all bad or all good, like make an ex a scumbag entirely because remembering the good in them hurts too much.  Compartmentalization, stuffing everything about a person into a corner of their brain and denying it exists.  All tools we all use sometimes to some degree, but with a borderline, someone who can't regulate their emotions so they're intense, the tools have to be intense too.  So she doesn't appear to be suffering because she's gotten very good at not feeling the extreme suffering, it's survival.  And none of that is healthy.

You're doing it the right way: feel everything all the way and head-on, and as we process the emotions they get better or just go away and we grow through it.  There is no way around or under; the only way out is through, so hang in there as you process, heal and grow, you're on the right track.

Im in the same position also, I am 40 and BPDX is 27, slim, very attractive, the replacment is 47yo, doesnt own a house, owns a crappy car, wears crappy clothes, missing half his teeth, heavily into drugs, had multiple kids to muliple women, so going from me having a great job, owning house, making her life easy, not having to worry about money, to moving in with someone which many consider to be trailer trash, is probably a way of her feeling like she can control the situation easier as he will be more will to bend and be manipulated.

Confused

This is a great topic. I've touched on this in a previous thread when questioning if I have a predilection towards borderlines:


I think good looking guys really struggle with the concept that their gf could have attached to almost anyone - they were just 'the next cab off the rank'. Similarly, Mr Average bemoans the loss of 'the best looking girl I ever had'. That's why we all hurt so much in the aftermath.

If your ex ever talked about past loves, and there was no real pattern to her attractions, then she was probably borderline. My ex had no type at all - other than 'keen & gullible'!  :)

I'm an average to above guy when she met me i was also a 275lb powerlifter my x told me point blank she did not fancy her x before me and lost the attraction for him two weeks in but stayed with him for three years because she wanted  a nice safe guy and I think her being a 7 made her feel secure . her x before had cheated on her .

She also told me she knew when he talked of marriage she had no intent to spend her life with him .

This is how they can use people . she had no one and wanted someone safe who was not likely to leave or hurt her


Her xx before that had a gf again she did not care she needed someone as she told me she was only devastated when he left as she had no one else at the time and was going through a rough period in her life (her words)

Bottom line she has never loved anyone and just uses her partners for her needs so looks , there marital status etc are secondary

This is another concept that I find fascinating. How do you know that you would have been together in the first place if it wasn't for BPD? Would she have fancied you? Even if that's a 'yes', then maybe she would have made different choices prior to meeting you and gone the distance with one of those guys. Face the facts man - we just don't know!

'The disorder giveth, and the disorder taketh away' - well that's how I see it anyway.  FannyB - amateur philosopher to the borderline damaged masses!  :)

I think like anyone else, they tend to be with people in who are on a level of attractiveness similar to to their own.

In my situation there is no rhyme or reason to the men the BPDx choses. It's pretty much whoever is around and whoever falls for her lies first. It's always just a matter of time before she's exposed though as she has very little self control. She gets pregnant to buy herself more time but it never works. She's on kid #5 in 6 years.

I think they have a wider range of potential partners than we do as they don't generally have a type. That makes them less superficial than non's on the one hand - and more like vampires on the other!  :)

My ex flat out told me that when she saw me, she was so attracted to me, she couldn't wait to find a reason to come up to me and talk to me. If that was the case a year ago, she should see me now, 5.5 months after her spectacular disappearance out of my life. I am 20 lbs lighter (mostly because I barely could eat the first a couple of months) and probably in the best shape I have been in years. Not that I had issues with attention from females before, the last 2-3 months have been ranging somewhere between comical and uncomfortable. Maybe I should call my ex and thank her for all this bat$hit crazy attention I'm getting from women these days  :)

I dont know why this is such an issue for me. It shouldnt be. She would also tell me how their were days she couldn't wait until I got home she would have daydreams at work about me. Or id get a text saying how good I looked when I was leaving for work. Maybe seeing the picture of her new man and how he is a downgrade madr me think everything she said about me was a lie just part of her game to hook me.

Mine left me for a man 4 inches shorter than her, squat, bald, ugly, dull eyed, no real personality, hipster wannabe who is definitely a downgrade in all ways... .but I digress. No, she found a damaged person she could manipulate. Her family calls him the troll.

My undiagnosed BPD exgf is an attractive slim 5'3" petite brunette 45yrs ... I'm an average but fit 5'6" 49yrs ... my replacement is an unattractive shriek looking obese,wealthy 80k year 57 year old 6' now ex acquaintance... she criticised my slight 5kg weight increase during our relationship amongst other verbally abusive insults but my replacements obesity isn't a problem... probably due to the lifestyle his wealth can provide as she said I was not worth the financial convienience...

Does make me feel crap cause if she is attracted to a much older obese shriek look alike then why was my slight weight increase a problem... and am I uglier than shrek...

Ironically she disliked unhealthy men and beer bellies so now she sleeps with one... Crazy bs these BPD put us through.

My mom says she would jump on a donkey if it gave her attention that she doesn't care what the man looks like so long as she is worshipped and he accepts that she will give no reward save for porn style sex...

Guys I've had relationships with "normal" women that looked much better than my ex. These people are just like us. They have likes and dislikes and they know what turns them on.

I've definitely struggled with this.  Like so many of you, my exBPD would send me texts saying, "You're sexy" and "I had a dream about you last night."  Once, as she was walking into work and I was still in the parking lot, she texted me to tell me that she wanted to f____ me.  Another time, she came up to my room to eat lunch with me, and after she went back to her room, she texted me to say that she really wanted to pull me into a corner and kiss me.  Once, when we were cuddling, she told me how pretty I am. 

Everyone she's dated in the past has been tall and thin, and I am average height and could stand to lose about 40 pounds.  I developed a crush on her pretty early in our friendship, and I never thought she would ever like someone like me.  The way we fell into a sexual relationship was just so bizarre.  Randomly, one night, she texted me to say that she had a dream about me, but that she was going to keep the content to herself.  My whole situation is so messed up because I was set up to be a replacement.  The whole time, I thought she was really falling for me, but she was just securing someone for when her current relationship ended. 

One of the things that hurt me the most was, when we were in bed one night, I asked her, "When did you first know you wanted me?"  She replied, "I don't know."  We hadn't known each other that long, so it's not like she had years of memories to sort through.  I can remember the exact moment that I realized I was attracted to her and the moment I realized I was falling in love with her, but she had no clue.  She just gave me some vague answer about how she always really liked my hair.  In just over a week's time, she went from, "I care about you, but I'm in love with my boyfriend" to having sex with me and telling me that she loves me so much and is scared how she feels.

She is extremely hypersexual, so I really do think she would have sex with just about anyone.  It really does make me feel awful about myself.  I was already struggling with low self-esteem, and I've always hated the way I look.  Back in college, I lost a lot of weight, but all that did was attract a bunch of dirty old men, so I gained all the weight back.  For a few months, I actually thought that I might be attractive.  Everything about being with a pwBPD just sucks so much.   

You guys and girls really should understand their is more to looking rather than just physical attraction, I honestly didn't feel ugly when she left.

When I was with my ex she said looks were a huge deal for her.

I don't think my uBPDexgf cared how anyone she was with looked. She cared more that we thought SHE looked great. I always told her if she could date herself she would. She always agreed. Bleech... .

I will say, with all confidence, that I was the most attractive person my ex wife with BPD was ever with.  I'm talking physique, facial structure, etc.  I'm 6-2, 165 lbs and a former college athlete.  (My new girlfriend (who I'm now engaged to!) always raves about my appearance.)   

I also was the most assertive and didn't give her control, which my ex-wife hated about me.   

She replaced me and married a guy who, sorry for being judgmental (it's a trait I'm trying to rid myself of), is basically the ugliest person she has dated.  He is greasy-looking, very overweight, and his facial features are not good at all.  I feel bad for saying this because I don't know the guy very well and I'm sure there are areas in which he probably excels that I don't . 

So, it was heartbreaking to see her with someone like this, because she was overweight and always picked at me for working out too much and trying to improve my appearance.  I think a small part of her didn't like the fact that I was probably the more attractive of us two.  Girls are supposed to have the looks.   

So, i think the draw with her new guy is his money (makes about $50K more than me) and the fact that she's prettier than him, and she can can CONTROL him better.    The hardest part was wondering she would have sex with someone less attractive than me, until I started laughing at her and how she didn't deserve me in the first place and now she is stuck with Mr. Fatso. 

Now, I'm about to marry a girl who is prettier than my exBPDW, we are a better match looks-wise, and relationship-wise.  She treats me with respect and isn't abusive.     

With BPD, it's all about who they can control and who gives them the most attention.  Looks don't really seem to matter. 

guh-reasy Ricky!







I think some attraction for the pwBPD is required, but it's secondary to the need for attachment.

sorry to dredge this one up from the past.

But why is that when they create these attachments that are so important to them, it is so easy for them to walk away without showing any outward sign of fear of abandonment or inability to be on their own?

The detachment and painting black is common, we all know this, so it seems to contradict what you said above.  Not doubting you because I agree, just trying to understand that relationship.

It's easy to walk away when:

1. They have a replacement lined up

2. feel the imminent real or imaginary abandonment and take the first strike. They paint you black so when they leave you, it feels like they did the right thing

3. Engulfment is stronger than abandonment at the moment and pushing is the option they feel they have at the moment

"So, i think the draw with her new guy is his money (makes about $50K more than me) and the fact that she's prettier than him, and she can can CONTROL him better. "  

"The hardest part was wondering why she would have sex with someone older and obese"  

same as my exgf my replacement is obese and makes 50k more than me... she complained about my slight weight increase even going so far as to take photos of me from behind with shirt off to show me my expanding love handles and yet her new guy cant see his toes ! His $$$ provides her with financial convienience and the party lifestyle/alcohol she is addicted to

"she is stuck with Mr. Fatso. "  yep so is mine as they share common friends and if she does to him what she did to me she will have burnt alot of bridges and only confirm what they already suspect that she is a sick branch swinging sociopath


"With BPD, it's all about who they can control and who gives them the most attention.  Looks don't really seem to matter."  

for me its not that she is with someone uglier or wealthier or whateva its cause she insulted and abused me for putting on a few kilos made me feel unattractive to her but sleeping with shrek is ok ?

these people are truely sick and twisted

"However now I'd be afraid of running into her, having her look at new man (much MUCH MUCH heavier than me) and seeing that sexual urge towards him that she used to feel towards me.

chanced encounter 4 times in last 15 months lucky she was alone each time and at a distance except for once we were a few feet apart but i may as well not have been there... she looked straight thru me... "part of that would be her internal shame i suppose from cheating"

"I really hate this BPD disorder. Ruined something that could have been wonderful"

yep :-( 

"It's easy to walk away when:

1. They have a replacement lined up

2. feel the imminent real or imaginary abandonment and take the first strike. They paint you black so when they leave you, it feels like they did the right thing"

BOOM

mine had 4 lined up settled on the 4th within a few weeks of break after the first 3 failed to eventuate into relationship.

I seriously wonder the same about my BPDxbf.

People say I'm an attractive woman, and he often told me that looks mattered, as he used to draw and paint (didn't see many of his drawings btw), and that I suited him perfectly blah blah.

Today he keeps hanging around with the most horrible 35 yr old woman I've ever seen, and I'm not the jealous type, just being objective.

And her style doesn't fit at all   He was (no idea today) a rock 'n roll guy, biker style, and she's dressed in an old fashion style and really not attractive.

I KNOW he's found her on internet to drive him around (he can't drive) and do whatever he wants her to do (like testify against me), but still... .YUCK  

Ah, and also, he kept saying that he needed a gf with brains... .this one is a sheep, she obeys and believes every single word of his. Like last week end they came harassing me at my place, and she FILMED me at my window. I had to file a complaint against that ugly sheep.

I have often wondered how this works.  I say that because my pwBPD always seemed to go for the jock/redneck types.  I am neither of those.  Sure, I used to play baseball in high school, but I have very varied interest: I traveled a lot after high school, am educated, creative, and of average physique.  So really I was the odd ball of the group that I know she's had in her life.  She would always talk about how I was so much more than she was (which I knew was the BPD in her coming out) and how I was going to get bored with her because she was so "plain and simple".  When she started talking like that, I knew I was doomed.  What she was really saying was that she was going to get bored with me because we didn't have anything in common.  Now that I think about it, she was right.  We don't have anything in common... .music, books, movies, culture... .you name it and we are opposites.

The guy she left me for (when I found out she was seeing him, which was my fault she "had" to go on a date with in the first place according to her) is of the redneck quality.  He's a nice enough guy (I know him), but I know if it came to a chess match vs. me, he'd lose just like I'd lose at lifting weights against him.  She constantly called herself a 'country girl' and all her friends were 'redneck', but I made an off the cuff comment about it one day (something about a sci fi geek and a cute little redneck getting together and how that would make an awesome sitcom if it hadn't already been done- *cough* Big Bang Theory *cough*-) and she got soo mad at me for it.

So, what Im saying is mine seems to have somewhat of a type... .even though I was an exception to that rule.

I have read it's mainly down to who "shows" them love or who shows interest... .because as many of us have gone through it's hard to work within a BPD relationship once it hits a certain point... .it's cliche to say but my exBPD would often say "I have no type , it's just down to "connection" ... ." looks don't matter to me it's about "connection" ... .You can read what you want from the word connection ... .in my opinion though she knew she was "crazy" (her words) so whoever bit on the bait before she has revealed her self is the person she liked

You may be on to something there.  Maybe the only reason my pwBPD seemed to have a type is because that was the type that would hit on her all the time.  She is very pretty, a former beauty queen to be exact.  I could write volumes about her beauty, but I won't.  Maybe the reason she never had really been around the nerd types (like me) is because they all seem to be intimidated to talk to her.  I once asked her about it (how she came to like me) during a moment of lucidity.  She replied "I always found you cute.  You also treated me like a person rather than an object, which turned me on more."  Oh, the irony of that statement now  

I think my exBPD gf chased me cause i initially rejected her despite her beauty queen looks... something about her felt off but then her charm and sensuality suckered me