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I have a rather immediate need for an answer or advice. I'm hurting and my SO, or maybe ex is in a bad mental state. There's certain factors that make a time table based on what I do and when. I've been split all black/bad by my gf of three years. I need to know if there's any way to turn this or reverse it. Or have her to talk or see me different? She currently won't speak to me. And the chances of it and chance to get he to go into therapy following it with my suppor and help. She'd placed high hopes of getting there as that was the plan before I got split. Help please. It's urgent and critical.

I read through this and your other post, and I am sorry for what you are going through. I understand the feeling of it being urgent and critical to get in touch with an SO who has ended communication after being split to black and after the rage and devaluing that you have experienced.

I read that you did send her messages through Facebook, and you saw that she read them, correct? Can you tell me what else you have tried so far to get her to talk to you again? 

Because she already knows how to reach you and knows that you want to get in contact with her, I would suggest that you stop trying to contact her at this point, if you haven't already. You want to be "centered" (i.e., not in a heightened emotional state) if she does contact you, correct?

Has she been diagnosed with BPD? What do you know about BPD? Have you read through any of the lessons to the right?

I too tried several different things at a point where I was painted black (I just never realised I was... .). The only thing that lead to, was me feeling all confused and broken, because why would your SO not want to talk to you? I learned that there was always an excuse for not calling back or contacting me, even if I had other ways to see that my ex-BPD was actually there, just never felt the need to contact me. I don't know if your SO is in fact BPD, but I know that the same thing has happened to me, and it did not end well. A constant need for contacting or get in touch is, as Mike-X pointed out, not the best way to go around this, something I had to learn the hard way. It pushed my ex-BPD further away. I do believe you need to start reflecting of possible outcomes of this. If your SO is BPD, then there are several threads on what is going on with her at this exact point, and I think you need to arm yourself and be ready to face her if she does come back. The most pressing question that I know I felt was: "What have you been doing all this time... .", a question I later realised I wouldn't have liked the answer to, even if I got one. It is therefore important that you know what it is you want to know if she returns, and if it is an answer you can accept... .

I hope everything ends well with you two. I hope all the best for you in your current situation, I know how much it hurts.

Other than the messages I haven't tried anything. I can't go to her house because she's living with ex again. I don't want to just go where she would be and look like a stalker. Yes I've read books and articles and been in counseling and blogs and you tube and anything else I could do to find knowledge on BPD while we were together. I underestimated how much it affected her because I'd always been able to handle things with it till this. What threads show what's going on. I've even spoke to women with BPD and they said they have unpainted loves once a from black but couldn't say why. I can handle anything with her now that I've gained more knowledge into this disorder and I've accepted how much it does affect her. She told me more about it and how it worked in her the day before she was all moved out than in any talk over the last 3 years.

Why do they paint someone white after they have already been painted black? It's not easy to define the exact reason, but from the many articles I've read on this matter, it is never about you and her, it's about her and her need for the validation and comfort she knows you can give.

From what you're saying, it sounds as if she has moved on. Her telling you about how she feels the BPD has affected her is a positive sign for her, that she is embracing her condition. This is not equal to the fact that it matters the least though. It will take many years to learn coping methods when she has her "I paint you black" moments, and from what I've educated myself with, it doesn't seem like there's a temporal solution to this. It varies a great deal and some won't ever entertain the idea of painting white after the black has been smeared (my ex-BPD is like that I believe). If she has moved in with her ex, I don't see any other way out for you other than start focusing on yourself. I know you're hurting, been there done that. Now is the time for you to start asserting your own boundaries, meaning no contact and slowly start healing through letting go of obsessing over how she is or what she is doing. This is a process and it hurts like hell. Introduce blocking of social media, remove her phone number, remove text messages that you feel is not necessary for you to keep (if there are incriminating ones you can use in your own defense in case things go bad at some point, you will know and I would recommend saving those). Reinstate your own self again, start healing. I have found that NC has helped me a lot, it does not remove obsessing over her completely, but it helps realising that it is not the contact that is keeping you in limbo, it is your bond that is, and that's not something contact can fix. There is only you to do this, and it's a painful realisation. I wish you all the best and I will give you advice to the best of my ability if you need it.

These articles give general information regarding break-ups involving a person with BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken)

She is the only one who might know the specifics of why she has ended things and had her ex move in with her, and she might not even be aware of the core reasons why she did this.


Thanks. I asked just to make sure that I understood your story. And again she knows that you want to contact her, because she saw the FB messages, and she has ways to contact you, if she wants to. Also, I definitely agree with you about not going over to the house.



It is good that you are learning about the disorder and working toward accepting how much it affects her. Can you elaborate on what things you have "been able to handle" and what she told you about "how it worked"?

Yes I'm very emotionally strong. Ok things we've handled well together. Cutting. She had gotten to a pint if she was going cut she's call me and we'd talk through it. Detaching same thing. Anger- before all this happened she's leaned instead of run to sit and be calm. Soothe herself and work through her anger with me there. Not run and do it away then come back. Saying she was sorry after being wrong, she's never done this with anyone. Telling me some of the thoughts in her head about bad things. Openly discussing the future and present tense rather than dwelling on past. Communicating on feelings. I noticed that went away too when this whole episode started. Let me get this straight, for now I'm here. I'm not leaving. I know what goes on with her and how to help when we're together. But not in this situation. I'm educated about it. And all this has taught me more. I know from talking to other borderline women there is a way to undo this, but they couldn't state how other than it happened as long as they stayed. Well get past the rest if I can turn this.

I see. It is good that she was open to sharing those inner thoughts and feelings and that she turned to you and accepted your help through those crises. It is also good that she has had some insight and has had some success using self-calming strategies. As you said with the other women living with BPD with whom you have spoken, insight as to the real motivations behind the behaviors often is lacking--particularly with respect to the core issues behind the disorder. Remember, the diagnostic criteria include frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, paranoid thoughts, and symptoms of severe dissociation, so the reality that someone living with BPD is experiencing in a given moment could be radically different from reality as you or I might see it. These issues and associated behaviors, especially if coupled with self-harming, have led to hospitalization for some people living with BPD.

All that I understand. With that being said. What would you suggest I do or say to get her to open back up to me?

Again, I am sorry that you are going through this, and I understand the desire to come up with that triggering message that is going to snap her out of this and bring her back to you. You already reached out to her through Facebook. She knows that you want to get in contact with her, because she read the messages that you sent to her through Facebook, and she knows how to reach you.

Have you had a chance to take some time to consider your own well-being and values?

Yes I'm taking care of myself. I've got support. Counseling. And all. I'm learning BPD better and growing. I just want to know how she is and if she's ok.