BPDFamily.com

So update on my status. I am still at my same job just diffeerent office. My udBPDw hates here dream job. We are buying a houes. Oh and the best part is that now she thinks because her mom is nice to me that there is a thing between us. When anyone is nice to me she seems to think that. So in reality nothing has changed. She still won't trust me and leaves it up to me to "fix" this notn knowits really her that could use the "fixing".

How do I tell her mom to not be so nice to me. And by nice I mean only say hello and freindly how you doing. I don't see any problem. Only she does.

It will never change. My uBPDxgf did the same thing. Accused me of having sex with her mom. They. Do. Not. Change.

Under the circumstances of your extreme unhappiness, how did you come to a decision to buy a house with her again?

I am sorry that you are dealing with your wife's expressed insecurity about your relationship with your mother in law. As you know, fear of abandonment and paranoia are core symptoms of BPD, and I certainly dealt with my share while in my relationship with my uBPDgf.

Although I understand wanting to resolve this issue for your wife and yourself, can you help me to understand what are you thinking will result from you telling your mother in law not to be cordial toward you?

I'd been wondering how you were doing. 

My udBPDw hates here dream job. - She's hated every other job as well.  This will not change.  I would caution you to not expect it to change.  No matter how enthusiastic she might be about her next job change. 

Oh and the best part is that now she thinks because her mom is nice to me that there is a thing between us. - she's trying to drive a wedge between you and every other person on Earth.  And you are letting her.  This is same old, same old, you've allowed the same thing with your own family.  You are letting her isolate you.  Again, it will never change. 

She still won't trust me and leaves it up to me to "fix" this notn knowits really her that could use the "fixing". - this is a manipulation technique.  She is running you ragged by getting you to continually try to prove yourself to her, only you never be able to do enough.  She gets to stay on her pedestal of perfection and victimhood and you get to stay subservient and subordinated to her in terms of relational equality, importance, and love/affection received.  In other words, she's made it all about her, and none about you.

You overfunction for her, while she underfunctions.  You get to bear all the burdens and she gets to sit back, not be responsible for herself, and at the same time tell you how you aren't measuring up and run you ragged while you try to do more and more to satisfy her.  She has no incentive to change.  Why should she?  In her mind, it gains her nothing.  If she ever actually were satisfied, if you finally did measure up to her, then she'd also have to finally cowboy up and bring something to you, so she will ensure nothing will satisfy her.  It ensures she gets to continue to underfunction and not have to put in any work herself.

Let me ask you this:  What does she bring to the table?  What are you getting out of this marriage? Your situation is not going to change unless you change it.  She has no incentive or reason to want things to change, and she actually has incentive to want things to stay the same because it benefits her.  She will fight changing and won't do it.

I know this has been said before but I'll repeat it - your situation won't change until you decide to change it.  And you'll need to be willing to endure the anger, ranting, rages, acting out, etc. because when you finally put your foot down and tell her no more of this, her first reaction will be like the Wicked Witch releasing her flying monkeys against you.  it will be hard, it's very scary, but you have to ask yourself if you are more afraid of living the rest of your life this way or if you are more afraid of her?

I'd strongly recommend to not buy a house with her right now.  I'd also strongly recommend setting a boundary that she is to stop accusing you of anything inappropriate with her mother immediately because it is sheer lunacy.  And be prepared to enact a consequence (such as moving to your own place so you don't have to deal with such accusations).  I'd also recommend a boundary that you don't buy a new house with her until her controlling, manipulative, and abusive treatment of you has stopped.  Then be prepared to hold that boundary because she is going to attack it and try to break it down.

At this point, I think it all just comes down to having the internal strength to do it.  To endure her anger and tirades.  To stand up to her.  i know it's hard, especially after years of abuse and mindf*cking.  Let me also ask this - do you have a therapist you see currently?  I honestly don't remember, sorry if you've address that before.  If you don't, honestly, I'd say you need to start seeing a therapist that specializes in domestic violence and abuse.  I think you know you're in the FOG, you're hurting, and searching for a way out, but I think you need help finding the way out.

Cipher: glad you checked in with an update - good to hear from you.  As for the current situation, sounds like a difficult one.  No big surprise about your wife hating her dream job.  

Getting accused of having an affair with your mother-in-law would be the final straw for some people; that's pretty ridiculous.  I was just thinking through the list of women I have been falsely accused of oogling or being attracted to over the past few years, and it was almost amusing: Beyonce, Zoey D... .the actress from the show "New Girl", someone at a wedding reception I never actually saw, a woman from church, a female vampire in an episode of the X-Files, plus several more.  

There's really nothing you can do to prevent this sort of thing.  Telling your MIL not to be so nice to you won't likely help, so I would advise against it (heck, just enjoy someone being nice to you).  The BPD person feels that fear of abandonment and frantically tries to attribute it to something external, which results in this type of accusation much of the time.  

PS:  I agree with everything Waddams just said.

Heck, me being me, I'd start doing things to instigate her acting out in front of the in-laws.  Nothing mean or anything, but I wouldn't try to hide anything from them.  Stop the isolation.  Abuse only continues when it's hidden.  Unfortunately, the abused allow it to continue most of the time and never realize until afterwards a big part of stopping it is bringing it into the open.

Turn on the lights in the dark areas she doesn't want exposed, then watch the cockroaches scatter.  It's very empowering.