BPDFamily.com

I am trying to make the best of living with my uBPDbf.  I can't afford to move out yet and he won't leave. 

Yesterday I had to work a little longer so I got home around 4:30 instead of 3:30 (which I usually do).  He wasn't home.  I called my daughter around 3:45, after she got home, to let her know I had to do a couple things and would be home shortly.  My bf actual went somewhere around 4pm (never told me) and didn't get home until 7pm. (I didn't care.) 

He woke me up at midnight to "question" me... ."Where did you go after school today?"  I told him I was there until after 4 and then came home.  He didn't like that answer, claimed/accused me of lying.  I just stated that's what I did.  He went on how he asked my daughter - which he didn't.   How this has been happening, in which I just said some days I get home around 3:45 and I call my daughter to let her know I'm on my way. 

He then sat up all night dwelling... . 

At one point I guess I was talking in my sleep, so he woke me up to tell me that.  He wasn't even sleeping.

My automatic response when woken for this is "really... .what the heck... .you woke me up for that."  Which I didn't say, But how RUDE & DISRESPECTFUL is he.

How do you answer/respond?

Your situation is a bit different than mine. Are you planning on leaving? Does he know or does he just suspect? His behavior is out of anxiety and jealousy. When you are gone and he doesn't know where you are, stupid ideas pop into their heads because of fear of abandonment.

For me, when my H gets concerned like that, I tell him I understand he was worried, but this is where I was or this is what was going on. Validate his concern and feelings... .and that's all you can do.

I am planning and preparing on leaving in a year, but my bf has no idea or knowledge of that.  I also try to continue in the relationship as normal.

I don't mind telling him where I go, except he refuses to do the same in return.  He NEVER gives me notice of where he is going or what he is doing.  Also, me coming home late the other day, didn't affect him in any way - HE WASN'T EVEN THERE.  (he had made plans to do something and didn't even tell me.)

It's hard for me to give good advice on this, since all of my advice would be centered around staying and working on the r/s as opposed to just trying to get along until you leave. I know there's a another user on here that's in the same boat you are in, perhaps she will see this and be of better help. Also, you might want to check out the leaving and undecided boards for more input.

If you were to stay... .I would say that I understand how frustrating that situation is. It sure does seem like they do the very same thing they get angry at us about. A good way to start repairing that would be by talking to him about it. Tell him you understand why he was scared, that you would be to. Tell him that when he is gone and you don't know where he is, you feel scared, too. Make a boundary and plan to tell each other where you are, etc etc

But, if you are leaving in a year... .I don't see putting that much work into the r/s only to leave. He would be blindsided by it. :/

|iiii Good for you that you showed your displeasure. Still you answered his question, did a bit of jadE and rewarded his impulse to wake you up.

Sounds like either jealousy or surprise/irritation or fear of abandonment on his side. Considering that you are thinking of leaving in some time in the future he may be sensing abandonment.

You could of course validate any of that. I'm really surprised you fell for JADE being woken up in the middle of the night.

Seriously, your sleep is important and if that was a one of - let it go. If this stuff occurs regularly it may be worth putting a firm boundary in place. It could cost you a few nights sleep, possibly moves to the coach but eventually he gets that it is hopeless to interrogate you at night.

Keep in mind that communicating with pwBPD something complex requires you to be on top of your game. With respect to abandonment you are in a tricky situation. In the middle of the night you are not at your best. It may be worth considering a soft boundary when to engage in such communication and when not.