BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

I am looking for support in my marriage. I suspect my husband of 16 years has BPD. After years of looking away and trying to fix things alone, I have finally come to my breaking point.

We are in a wide range of therapies. Our marriage counselor recommended that we have him take the MMPI and go through a psychiatric evaluation.

I am curious to know if others have any experience with that test.

Also, I would like to know about people's experience with diagnosis and treatment. Has diagnosis been helpful? Are most BPDs diagnosed? Will this process improve our relationship, or simply help me to understand why our relationship is so difficult.

Thank you for listening to me, and for your feedback.

D

Hi D. Libelle, 

Welcome aboard. You have come to the right place for support and understanding.

I am sorry that you are at your breaking point.     I understand how you could feel like you are breaking. Coping with the behaviors can be frustrating and difficult.

It is great that you both in therapy. How do you think therapy is going?

My person with BPD (pwBPD) is diagnosed with a personality disorder, although he did not tell me specifically which one. He does mention the diagnostic criteria for BPD while describing his symptoms verbatim. 

A diagnosis can help the pwBPD embrace and understand the disorder. It is like putting a name to a bunch of behaviors.  On the other hand, may psychiatrists/psychologists focus on the maladaptive behavior, instead of focusing on a diagnosis.

Treatment/therapy is beneficial for the pwBPD and you.  A pwBPD learns how to effectively control and regulate their emotions, learn healthy coping strategies, build self-esteem, etc. What type of therapy are you both in?

There are things we can do to improve the relationship. The motto on the staying board is "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." This is something that I have learned to embrace. I cannot change my pwBPD's behavior and thoughts, but I can change my own. I started to change how I perceived my relationship and some of my own behaviors. Many times I was making a situation worse by my own behaviors.  The tools on this site are fantastic for improving my relationship. Take a look at the lessons on the right side of this page.

What behaviors are you having the most difficulty coping with?

Thanks for your response!

My therapy is going well.

He went to therapy at the advice of our marriage counselor for 2 months and came home declaring he had finished therapy. His issues were resolved and the problems were mine to sort out.

His behaviors, blaming, rages, boundary violations, continue.

Specifically, I find his inability to recognize me as a person outside of himself to be difficult. He expects intense emotional connection, but cannot sustain any kind of mutual and reciprocating relationship.

His emotional over-reaction is very difficult as well. I'm not sure how to stop making things worse. Do you have insight on that?

D

I am glad that your therapy is going well. |iiii  Taking care of yourself is the first step in improving your relationship. It is hard to make things work when we are not as mentally strong as we could be.


I sure as you know, 2 months of therapy does not fix a live long pattern of behavior.  I can understand how frustrating coping with that type of behavior is, especially knowing that he was working on it, but quit therapy.

Have you brought up him quitting therapy with your marriage counselor?


This is difficult to cope with. I have had issues with this in the past. It feels like our person with BPD (pwBPD)  wants the impossible. They want you to give whole heartedly, but cannot reciprocate even a small amount. When my pwBPD has done this, it made me feel like I was expected to be a robot, with no emotions or feelings.

For very long time, even with the knowledge of BPD, I still tended to view my pwBPD as a "non-disordered person." My own mentality made me keep setting up to fail. After learning about BPD and truly accepting the disorder, I started lowering my expectations a bit. 


The emotional overreaction can be intense. Unfortunately, the inability to regulate or control emotions is at the core of the disorder.

Reading and learning about how and why your husband behaves in a certain way truly helps. The lessons on the right are a fantastic place to start.