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Been said that attraction is not a choice or is there such a thing as love at first sight? Other's will say we are attracted to physical traits or there's the pheromone idea where the right exchange of chemicals interact like a lock and key. I've read a few excerpts by Ross Rosenberg and he believes we all have a certain polarity, a human magnetism if you will, where we are attracted to our polar opposite.

When I first met my BPDx I wasnt at all blown away by her looks. At that time I would have said she was about a 6. However, there was something about her demeanor, a fidgity way that she was communicating with me. As though all her senses and body language were perfectly intuned with me. Being completly clueless about BPD behavior I would now call this "mirroring." and like a Bass swimming around minding my own business I was dazed and locked onto this lure. Also, I know see that she is a classic Waif. At the time I thought I was being pretty suave and charming, but then again it's quite possible I was the one being unknowningly seduced?

May be a challenge to pinpoint or maybe it's crystal clear why you chose your former BPDx. For me it was the mirroring, the intense focus on me and how she hung onto every word.

Anyone here have the same experience?

Yes. Her looks caught my eye, and she responded well when I started flirting with her. Once I got to know her, she seemed to have the same outlook on life and we shared some hobbies, too. Once we started dating,  I could do absolutely nothing wrong. Moreover,  she told me she wanted to be a mom. She loves to cook and loves kids. She seemed like a perfect fit for me and she gave me the validation I wanted so badly, at least for a while.

First item of attraction:  Her smile. After that, her expression, her eyes.  Such a lovely looking woman. Nothing was sexual attraction.  Her shy mannerisms and her "taking it slow" was attractive as well as appropriate.  I didn't feel rushed at all or pressured.  We moved slowly. Her texts and messages were inviting and I could hear the interest in her words. Doesn't matter if she were a PHD or a HS dropout, what she had was just "right" for me. these are the things that made it feel "so darn right".  I wasn't analyzing every word or every letter spoken. I just took it as it came at me.  She was divorced, with kids, she was willing and loving and I fell in love. Just made myself cry by saying I fell in love.  I still love her so much.  BPD or not, my feelings were genuine at least to my heart.

Looking back, I can see red "faint" flags that I didn't see because I didn't know "what to see".  So sad. So painful now. Longing for her hurts.  My son, just today, said to me he never saw me so "messed up" as I am over my ex this time.

Sex and her understanding of my likes as well as worship of me . I'd never met a woman as smart as her or as infatuated with me or as able to understand my mind as her and appreciate me for mine .

Looks well she was a seven but not my type , if I only knew then what I know now I would have run !

I remember so many times thinking how draining she was but I always made excuses right up to the end and even now lol

She was my ":)alila" and I was Samson and she left me almost a pee wee Herman

Her looks and she was very charming.  Who ever was with her felt like the king of the world... .I was smart enough to steer clear of her for a few months because there were red flags everywhere... .I almost feel like she choose me, she pursued me for months.  I felt a ego boost that this crazy hot women was pursuing me for months.  She told me what I wanted to hear... .I was single for a while and im pretty co dependant so I gave it a shot.  The thought of her makes me ill now but in the begining ive only felt that chemistry with 2 other women in my life.

Dobie... .Thank you for that one! That was a knee slapper... .LMAO! I can totally relate.

DyingLove: I hope that soon you can get yourself to a more comfortable place of detachment. I'm not quite there, but I feel I'm making some progress. Actually, a lot of it has to do with my own son. He was just accepted to a high end University in Texas and during his last visit he was so upbeat and I have always shared a great and positive bond with him. He's always told me how he appreciates not having any "Father Wounds" from childhood. However, this last visit he flat out told me that he was worried about me. Blood is thicker than water. I owe so much more to my son than what is now a complete stranger.

She helped me through some difficult stuff that I was going through. She was my best friend. She was extremely physically attractive.

It was a no brainer, but my gut said differently. I ignored my gut (bad decision), but I don't regret it.

I would not be the person that I am today without meeting her and going through what I have these past couple of years. There is only love and gratitude there for me.

valet: I hope to one day have that appreciation of love and gratitude. I know that I will be a stronger and better man for everything that was experienced, but for me it was at a heavy price. Not sure about the regret either at this point. Great attitude man!

That's exactly how it happened with me, from the very moment we were introduced to each other by our mutual friend I knew this was going to happen. Can't say it was anything specific, she looked good but was certainly not the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, it's mysterious. And it's not the first time I had this happen to me and in hindsight all the women I had this happen with are almost certainly disordered. There must be something about them that instantly attracts me, it's scary really... .

My experience was similar. She was very pretty, much younger than I (I was 50, she was 36), and all that attention made me feel sky high. I tried to keep her away because I picked up on the red flags immediately but she eventually wore me down. She was funny and charming, but intellectually we weren't always on the same page, part of that I attribute to the age difference. It's hard for me to say whether our values were different because my perception of how she saw the world was always distorted by her PD. For example, her excessive vanity was a big turn-off for me but that was probably her lack of a stable self image manifesting. A big problem, one I still struggle with, is that I often felt like I didn't really know what she was thinking, what were her core beliefs, which is too bad because beneath the disorder was a very intelligent woman with a beautiful smile.

zunder and dunder, Twin Greek Gods, the similarities are remarkable. First the age differences. I had just turned 50 and she was 32. First red flag was her telling me she was into older men because of "daddy issues." I later found out that as she was growing up as a child experiencing all the abuse she longed for her father's protection. Like zunder, I would feel wierd'd out about the whole thing and would back away but her pursuit was relentless and when we did get together she always made me feel as though she really needed me and perhaps in a twisted way I saw this helpless girl as the daughter I never had.

Jebus,  reading you guys feel like reading what happened to myself.

She was funny, witty, charming, great smile, pretty and she can talk about anything and everything, everyone thought she was a social butterfly (which she is not when you get to know her), laugh all the time, no baggage it seemed... .how can someone be SO happy ALL THE TIME? Innocent, no games, catholic (I'm not religious, so I thought someone who IS religious probably has good moral values)

For me personally, her background is similar to mine, both of us came to the States at age 11/12, shared a lot of the same immigrant family stories... .

I have to stop talking about it now, too many good things, how can someone so good turned out to be so bad?  I picked and picked, thought my wait was all worth it all those years, finally found that true princess of my life.  Well, I got what I wished for, I got a princess all right.

That's too funny. My EX had a terrible relationship with her father. I often felt triangulated with her father. She used to tell me stories about how her father abandoned her as a small child when she was late for school. She used to tell me she just wants to feel "protected". I have a 12 year old daughter and she used to tell me how envious she was of my daughter because of how good I was to her.  Yeah, I was definitely weirded out by that too! She also told me she liked older men, but she also like younger men too! She was all over the age map.

Yup Father left her when she was very young, and she triangulated him with me also.  For someone so charming she really didn't have any good long term relationships family or friends.  Every ex wronged her as well as all of her family.  I was so different than any other man she has known... .fast foward 3 years I am now part of the abusive ex club. 

Birds of a feather, flock together. She understood my needs, my wants, my desires, my validations. I saw in her a broken, needy soul. I am a protector. I take people under my wing, regardless of the impact it has on me, and try to help/fix their broken souls. She needed someone to take care of her. I needed someone to take care of. That simple. And it almost tore me apart.

I'm a technician in my professional life, and I can fix a LOT of shyte, but I now know I can't fix someone's heart and soul. Learn when to say when, when to let go.

I just thought of that Kenny Rogers song, "The Gambler".

"Know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run." Truer words have never been spoken.

Same with me. Was anti-relationship when I met her, but as soon as I saw her was totally intoxicated by her. It was like someone had slipped Love Potion Number 9 into my tea!  All she did was look up at med through heavily made-up eyes! 

The sad truth is that our BPDx's have had and will continue to find... .or prey? on other's like us. They are street wise and survivors, far more astute than us. The upside is that at least this has helped discover my co-dependence.

Agreed. Except for the "astute" part. It took me a little bit, but I got wise. So did we all. The difference is, we're learning from our mistakes. They aren't. Not too astute, IMO.

His false persona of being a man if integrity. Dramatic difference from the reality. Now I am sick to my stomach.

Hi Olivia_D! Apologies you ended up getting the BPD Virus. We are all in the same ward trying to recover.

Total N/C is the way to go to not get the bug again.

Well, though I wasn't attracted to her physically - we clicked right off the bat and became close friends within a week. She shared lots of my values (a liking to heavier music, a herbivore diet, similar parental descent and languages, political and religious views, etc), she had a past similar to mine (outcast in school, excommunication, different forms of verbal and physical abuse), we even had mothers with the same name, same amount of siblings, and even the same apartment number and dog name (which is a WEIRD coincidence). Plus, she was naturally red-haired, a HUGE plus for me.

We were both never in a r/s, never even had a first kiss yet (despite me being 20 and her 19), which made it easier for me, I could relate to that and I wasn't as afraid that I'm not going to be a good kisser or anything (needless to say, I was TERRIBLE at first xD). I guess I've never experienced such a close bond with a girl before (I keep my circle of friends very small, by choice), and she told me she never had any guy friends... .guess that's what made us end up in each other's arms... .

Funny, a few days before asking her out I asked my dad for advice "Hey dad, if I have this female friend and we have an AMAZING connection between us, same interests in EVERYTHING, but I don't feel any attraction towards her, what should I do" - he simply told me STAY HER FRIEND. Should have listened.

See, antibiotics won't even help a virus! (LOL)  Is Ebola a virus?  I have no intention of contacting him.  There is that strange little gnawing of wanting to speak with him every so often.  I haven't a clue about where that comes from.  Then, there's the why hasn't he contacted me phase of the swirly thoughts.  I don't want to speak with him but there's that little part of me that wants him to try and fail.  I must be losing my mind as I don't have a mean bone in my body.  What is with that thought process?  This is so confusing.  I just want it to GO AWAY.  I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night or ruminate in the middle of the night or think about him or avoid going down certain streets or get weirdness from being in my office wondering if he's going to pop in--right now I don't have an assistant so I am a sitting duck as my office has no back entrance.  Yes, I have thought about these things.  My only saving grace is his job, he could get into some serious problems if he got wiggy with me.  IDK.  Just don't want to think about this anymore!

I feel like this also... .i wouldnt take her back and really dont wanna hear from her again... .but the waves of emotions you describe I feel all of them... .the worst are when she pops in my dreams every so often... .my ex was pretty abusive I just want to forget about it already.

She hooked me two years before we ever dated.  Absolutely gorgeous, but seemed so shy and reserved.  Something about the combo really drew me in.  Throw in a little push-pull during early attempts to win her affections along with her making me her white knight when we finally started dating, and I had no chance.

Decade: How long together before it came crashing down?

My ex was not especially attractive but much younger than me. She was a total charmer and now I realise an expert at mirroring. I have never had a woman come on to me like she did, she was besotted from the start. What 50 year old wouldn't be bowled over by the attentions of a 32 year old? I cam in hook line and sinker!

She was beautiful, intelligent and could be very giving, the latter dried up pretty quickly when I became 'hooked', the second became annoying as her values & beliefs are light years from mine and the first, well, time is a great leveller!

I was one month out of a 4 year relationship that was also very toxic, had i reflected on myself after that doozy it would never have happened. All this has meant for me is that I pushed back a lesson I should have learnt by another 7 years. Im hoping IT doesn't prove too costly and I can still have a family, something I would dearly love.

This is all too common and we have all jumped out of the Frying Pan and into The Fire. I keep reading one should wait 12 to 24 months after a long term relationship ends. We live in a McDonalds world of impatience.

dagwoodbowser Nailed it.  I have been lurking the BPD web sites and book store sections for about six months and I am convinced I was in a 2.5 year relationship with a woman I believe has mild BPD.  Our couples therapist said she doesn't have BPD but I'm still not convinced - hey, I was the canary in the coal mine lady.  A few weeks ago I realized why my ex was so easy to fall in love with. It was because she was mirroring me!  It was easy because I was falling in love with myself! She gave me her full attention, talked calmly, we held hands and kissed on the first date (lasted 7 hours).  I never felt so comfortable, It was all like a dream.  I thought I was suave too but I realize now that she was in complete control, not just on that first date but in the entire relationship.  The last thing I told her when she was walking out the door was "you put me in the driver seat but you have always been in control" Slam! I can attest to the pheromones of chemistry between us - there was something there I just cant put my finger on it.  I never experienced the sensation before and it was there right to the end.  God I miss the crazy woman.  She drove me to the point of being ill but I did have the strength to be the one to end it.  I preserved what little self esteem I had left and ultimately I can look back and say I dodged a bullet.   It was a fun ride while it lasted but it sounds like it never does, pity because they are incredibly fun people to date. 

I would love to tell my story to see what you guys think, if she is in fact BPD or something else.

hey dagwood,

havent read all the replies but ill offer my experience.

i met my ex through a mutual friend. saw pictures on facebook and myspace. i decided then and there i had to speak to her. i think that idea was reinforced because thats how my parents met. my parents had a mutual friend, my dad saw pictures, and wanted to write my mom. they, on the other hand, are married over thirty years.

between the lines, i "knew" my ex for three years before i was with her and i had more than enough red flags before me. on a number of occasions, i had said "no way" to myself. we kind of fell out of contact for a few months, and when we came back its as if the stars had aligned. little did i know at the time, i was probably a replacement myself.

before i was with her id been single three years, friends with her for that three. i felt id learned enough lessons and felt it was important to get back out there. i told myself id do so "even if the next ones crazy". the fact is at that moment i looked to the most reliable, and most reliably wrong person for me. i didnt have any real idea the true extent, but in retrospect i can see mistakes made even at that point. i thought i was going to be able to handle her where her exes werent. i thought i was going to be able to teach her how i was and how a relationship should be. i ignored things i knew shed done to her exes and believed she wouldnt do them to me. i also was convinced id be able to walk away if she did.

i started by describing the physical attraction which was the origin of my attraction. i dont necessarily think that was bad in and of itself or that acting on it was. but the fact is i got to know her on some level and at some point, consciously knew better than to be in a relationship with her, actively avoided it for a period, but did it regardless. its part of a recurring pattern for me in my romantic relationships. in that way, it felt familiar. familiar was attractive. so ultimately the lesson wasnt just "dude she had all these red flags". it was that similar red flags drew me in.

the good news is while i dont feel im immune to any of this, anxiety/attraction to familiar red flags, i do feel largely immune to ending up in a relationship or at least getting especially attached to it. keeping my focus on that is likely to, over time, eliminate attraction to what has been familiar to me for so long.

I was impressed by his motivation, and his positive outlook on life. I had no idea that it was all fake at the time.

He was a foster kid, his grandma raised him until he was about five, and then he became a ward of the state. So he was homless going to school, and squatting with his sister. And I really believed his lies of determination. But, of course I began to see him for who he was.

Along with looks I was also impressed with her positive outlook and free spirit... .lol the fact that I even thought that shows what good actors they are.  It didnt last long she had a tantrum a month or so after we started dating and the dynamics of the relationship changed very early on.  Unfortunatly for me she asked me to move in very quickly, right before her first tantrum.  I wonder if I didnt move in if she would have behaved longer or would have moved on to other supply... .dumb move on my part but she seemed perfect and at the time and I hated my roomate.

Gorgeous, classy, smart, sexy, caring, thoughtful, kind, family values.

And crazy about me, wanted to spend all her time with me.

Of course, that was the initial impression.

But then other things came into the picture... .Jealous, angry, controlling, verbally abusive, deceiving, lying, manipulative.

It wasn't her looks per se, as I wouldn't describe her as a stunner, but she had a gentle, feminine quality, intelligent, confident, demure/shy, looked directly at me/into me, she liked being physically close to me.  I felt so validated as a man, as a lover, as a father.  I felt when I was with her that I was the only one who mattered; the adoration; the sense that she would be this way with me always... .basically, the sense that my fantasies of a life-long partner would become real with her.  I felt drunk and wanted to ride the wagon.

Now, knowing her outside of the FOG, these all seem like foolish, childish, even reckless notions of romance and partnership, but at the time, it was all I could see, wanted to see.  That is a brutally hard confession and awakening for someone middle-aged who has already been married/divorced/kids.

Mine was beautiful, brilliant, sexual liberated and she made me feel like the greatest man in the world. All the guys before me treated her like ___ and I was the world best boyfriend. She really fitted into my "White Knight" fantasies.

She might have behaved longer but, it wouldnt last long.

Maybe when you are 20 or 30. But when you get older, gee, every second counts!  LOL  True about instant gratification though.  Mcdonalds isn't good for health and rushing isn't either! 

I wanted to add something to my original reply to this post.

I can remember the first time, on FB, that I saw my ex's pic.  She looked very "country going to church on a Sunday" the way she was dressed, her hair, her expression. (Damn here come the tears.)  She was not by far any sort of runway model, but there was a down home kinda look in her face.  Something that I have to call "clean" and "wholesome" for lack of a better description.  When I typed to her, the words she typed back came from that "look".  I could just feel how good it was to intercept her every word.  She was a slow typer, and not great grammatically either. But her "look" just burned and burned deeper and deeper into me day by day.  I had no intention of anything developing into what it did, but nonetheless it did.  At one point, being a graphic designer, I took her face, that lovely innocent smile and put it on the Mona Lisa, kinda like a joke, but she looked so damn good believe it or not.  Just like she had posed for it.  So I started building up my thoughts for her.  I wasn't alone, she did the same.  Five months later I was way in love with her. I can still feel my heart reaching out for her to this day.  I told her last year, that not only did I love her, I was IN LOVE with her.  I don't think it registered with her the way It felt in my heart.  I think we all have some kind of story, very similar to this, that keeps us attached not with threads, but with piano wire.  It's hard to break away.  It's like finishing a novel or tv show and you wish it would have never ended.