BPDFamily.com

Hey guys, recently I made contact with my ex and we met up for a couple of hours. Sat in a plaza near my house and drank some beers in the sun and it went pretty alright, for me at least. She seemed totally disconnected and in a total daze. I can only interpret this as her not being completely comfortable around me, and that is perfectly fine. No worries there.

It was strange, definitely, but I think it brought me into a new phase of healing. It was massive step forward, and I think that challenging my fears in that way was the best possible thing for me to do, knowing that I intend to begin a friendship with her when/if she is ready.

Now, the meat of things: I've had some suspicions that she had been seeing a friend of mine. As we all know, pwBPD can't really handle a casual relationship, and I'm pretty sure that he just ended things with her. I don't care who she's with now, but it did generate some questions in my mind about the actual process of detachment.

I feel detached from the romantic relationship, but not as a person that really cares for her. I think that I will always make myself available to be there to support her (as I would for any of my friends), but when I have done so for friends in this position before it didn't seem to hit me so hard. There were deeper emotions there.

To elaborate, it made me unreasonably sad that she might not be in the best place right now. I do not want this cycle to continue for her, but I know that there is nothing that I can do in the immediate future. It is almost like the denouement at the end of a story, the realization that the book is ending soon but the strong immediate sadness of not wanting it to, even though there is no choice but to continue. Every story has an end, and it is our goal as readers to finish it.

Has anyone else experienced this before?

valet I think it's pretty wonderful that you're able to do this. I wish I had more to say on this but I'm barely on my way towards detachment. I can only hope one day I can be where you're at. Inspiring.

I can see how you feel the way you feel, completely with you.

I guess I'm not there yet... .right now, I'm just completely indifferent and that's why I decided to not even get into this situation ever, just in case I will feel the way you do.

To be honest, until they realized there is something wrong with themselves, they won't be at the best place... .ever.  Maybe that's why she seemed like in a total daze? She's realizing something lately?

For you though, I think you need to stop feeling sad for her, that's what got us into the situation in the first place, the white knight and all.  

Just saying... .

Totally understand your perspective here.

Personally, I think that the walls that she has built around her disguised unstable self-imagine are starting to collapse.

Maybe I am culpable for this for initiating contact, or maybe I am not. I don't believe that this is true, but I could be wrong. It is possible that I am in denial about this myself due to wanting a friendship with her.

My guess, however, is that if I do not force things I will not be a trigger for her anymore. This is something that needs to be worked towards, but I think that the payoff would be worth it. She is a great friend. I have seen her be one, and I know that it is her nature.

All in all, we might just have a different moral perspective on issues like these. I can't speak for you, of course, but I would consider myself a compassionate person (most people are). With the recent discovery and introduction of new personal boundaries, I think that I can accomplish what I want to. First and foremost, this is a friendship. Anything that follows will be up to her, and that is totally fine with me.

Valet, have you always had a strong reaction to your ex's sadness? Maybe that was part of the initial hook, or one of the behaviors of hers that kept you hooked in as the relationship went on. That was certainly true for me. I do think that empathic and kind people are activated by other peoples' sadness, but for me there is another part of it that is not so positive. I connect with people who are actually emotionally unavailable by focusing on their suffering and trying to help them. I suspect that this is a common pattern among people on these boards.

To be honest, I can't say that I have ever reacted like this to her sadness.

I always acted in appropriate ways to comfort her, but I think only mainly out of the duty of being a good person/partner.

This was something different.

Definitely. Just happened to me me about a month ago. After months of NC she contacted me to tell me she dropped some stuff of mine on the trunk of my car. Stuff I'd asked for months prior. But, if you know a BPD person, you know why she did it. We emailed a little, that was it. About a week later, she emailed me again. I do part time delivery, at night, and delivered a pizza to her apartment. DIdn't see her, just her son. A few days later she emailed me, hoping it wasn't uncomfortable for me and that she wasn't being unfriendly. She'd broken her foot. So, we emailed a bit that day and that was the end of it. Or so I thought. The emails brought up emotions I thought were buried and, knowing about the recycling patterns of BPD's, I gave it some thought. I obviously still care for her, but would NEVER go back to her. However, I felt that, in order to get my complete closure with the whole situation, I'd have to tell her what I thought she had, what our therapist believed she had. I did before, but it was when we first broke up and was said in anger. This time, it was clean slate. 6 months of being broken up, recent emails that were completely neutral. No reason for her to think I was doing this in a malicious, angry or vengeful way. Nothing but closure for me and my caring/hope that she gets help. Unfortunately for her, and many with BPD, they don't/won't acknowledge the facts that are starting them dead in the face.

My best advice is this. Sometimes, you have to walk away from the knot that you just can't untie. That you'll NEVER be able to untie. Don't sacrifice your sanity for someone else's. If you want to try, try. But don't let it drag you down. My BPDx was an anchor that was pulling me under the water. I finally had to cut the rope and swim for shore. It hurt like hell to do it, but she is going to live her life the way she wants to and there's nothing I, or any other person, is going to be able to do about. Maybe, one day, she'll realize. Maybe she won't. There's simply nothing anyone can do about it, except for her. We have to now do for us. We've filled their cup for so long that some of ours is completely empty. Time for some of us to fill our cups back up.

Do what you have to do to make yourself feel better about it. Just don't get dragged under her wheels. Good luck!

That's me, in a nutshell. Except for the emotionally unavailable part. I'm not attracted to that, at all. That's why I left my BPDx and why I'll never go back. But I have a very strong "guardian" sense where I try embrace the "hard luck" types and try to help/fix others. I'll never lose that part because it is a noble and good thing about me, as it is you. We just have to learn when to get the eff out of Dodge when things go south.  When we see the shyte about to hit the fan, move out of the way. :)