BPDFamily.com

May 6th marks month 4 since the last direct contact I've had with my ex girlfriend. I guess I really do not have a bunch of things to say, or anything to analyze. I just feel like half of me is gone. There's just no other way to describe it. In many ways, I am doing better, my physical improvement, reading some self help books (THANK YOU to the user that recommended me that book!), my social skills are improving.

But I miss her tremendously. I miss what I used to have, if I could give everything I had to go back in time and give it another shot, I would.

The animosity I held towards my ex is gone. I feel nothing but just... .Lacking.

I feel like half of me is gone. I feel like she is that half of me.

I understand that I must live with the knowledge that she may never contact with me.

I'm working hard to be the man I want to be, the kind of man she deserves if she ever decides to come back. And if she doesn't come back, I can find someone new.

And that's all I have to say.

You know she was the first real love of my life. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that this girl I knew so intimately for so long, who I absolutely adored to death, is mentally ill... .it's hard to conceptualize in my mind. I hope that makes sense.

I miss her very much. The hate is gone. The depression is also gone (though I know it doesn't sound that way). I don't deny the relationship is over.

Anger protects your psyche from the nostalgia. It protects you from the good memories and the pain. Now that my anger is gone... .The nostalgia is hitting me like a ton of bricks.

I did so many things wrong in my relationship. I wasn't treating her right. I didn't take the time to really listen to her, to really communicate with her. I didn't give her the space she wanted. I largely stopped courting her. I became complacent. I could have done so much better. I feel like I screwed everything up with the love of my life never to have another chance.

And with all of this new introspection and this self-improvement, so much of me just wants another chance with her. I can make it work this time... .if I just had another chance... .

(Yes I know how those words sound.) (I'm writing my true inner thoughts for record)

Reecer: So glad to hear you're dong better man. One of the things that really has helped me along was to get out of a poor me-victim mentality and acknowledge where I went wrong. Doesnt justify many of the ff'd up things she did, but there were missed opportunities on my behalf. This in it of itself will take you into warp drive in moving forward at least it has for me.

I mean BPD or not I wasn't doing the things I should have, and I made a huge number of mistakes. Big ones. Regardless, are you saying that you like my statements?

I will say this. If what this book says is true, and 97% of men are completely clueless... .And enough time passes by, and after my ex experiences a relationship with another dude, she very well may start to miss me. I'm admitting that I made a huge number of mistakes but fundamentally I was a good, loving boyfriend. After all, I survived the roller coaster for 15 months.

She's going to see the difference sooner or later. Maybe with enough time and space she'll remember me with rosy-colored glasses, especially after a relationship fails with someone else.

BUT I don't want to make that statement as a way of saying "LOOK AT REECER! HE'S STUCK!" I'm not! I don't think about this all the time, haven't posted on here in a while. But I'm writing (and always have) my honest thoughts.

Yeah... .I'm liking the new attitude! Good for you. Takes alot to go from putting the blame on another, BPD or not, to accepting where we might have been able to hold our boundaries, be better at communicating than being passive aggressive as I was in many instances.

Im at just over 2 mths, and have this feeling exactly, I guess I hoped by double the amount of time it might settle a bit, but sounds like Im not going to be that lucky.

Rejection breeds obsession. This is the truth. And I was absolutely affected deeply by it. When my ex girlfriend rejected me, it drove me into obsession. I called it love, but it was obsession.

4 months out and the obsession for me is largely gone. All that is left is a broken heart. I still feel love for this girl. I was a solid, high-quality boyfriend for the majority of the relationship but when the going got rough I became completely emotionally unglued and She moved my mountain. I wasn't giving her the emotional strength and consistency that she was begging for me to give. I blame myself right now for what happened. Past all of the obsession there is still love. I love her. I care about her, I want to take care of her, I want to talk to her and be there for her. I took her for granted and now she's gone. And although I may get another chance one day, who knows? She may never contact me again.

I hope at least that I can grow from this experience and treat the women in the future who come into my life with the respect, dignity, communication, and love that they deserve.

I want to be that man that some beautiful, loving, intelligent girl is head over heals in love with.

I want to be that man that she falls asleep dreaming about.

I want to be the man she brags to all of her girlfriends about.

God I wish it could be my ex. I wish she could see me now. She could talk to me now.

But if she's never coming back, I guess I have to chalk one up on the *well I messed that one up* block, and move on with my life.

Receer, in the end I think our experiences with BPDs gave us a huge chance of self-improvement, allowing us to understand what was wrong in us and what we should seek in a healty relationship.

So, if she won't come back you should'nt despair... .but find some other intelligent and interesting woman to whom you can give your improved self